SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Like many, I am struggling with the choices that my WS made in cheating. He has gone NC with AP, shows remorse, and apologizes when I am triggered. He had done work to explore the whys of being vulnerable to an A - what I see lacking is his willingness to delve deeper into what is broken in him that he made the choices to violate our marriage and his morals. Without that work, I see his behavior being repeated.

What does "doing the work" look like to you? Are my expectations realistic?

I am curious how others answer this question for sure!

For me my wife doing the work looks like protecting our relationship, and prioritizing me like she used to do, actually better than dhe used to.

It looks like taking fill responsibility for her actions, and not blaming others in any way for them.

It looks like voluntarily doing individual therapy and working to understand and address the things that made this kind of acting out possible for her.

It looks like adopting humility, and giving a small portion of the grace I've shown her to others when necessary.

It looks like accepting that her affair has forever changed me, and learning to live with this new person, and developing the skills to communicate if she isn't interested being in doing that.

It looks like improved communication skills that were lacking before and during her affair.

It looks like respecting my boundaries, and communicating her boundaries.

It looks like focusing on the positive instead of letting the negative build up over time.

It looks like full transparency and honesty.

It looks like caring about my wellbeing and how she can address the damage she caused.

I think my wife is doing 65-75% of that.

...

No I don't think your expectations are unrealistic.

My problem is how does one know they are delving deeper?

[This message edited by Theevent at 11:18 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

Doing the work means different things to different people and can be unique to each situation.

For a long time after his second affair, my H declined work events with dinner & drinking at bars. If he had to go to a client dinner, he left after dinner. He did that of his own free will. I did not tell him to do that.

He has made me and our marriage a priority. He makes sure I know that every day. It’s the little things that can make a difference.

My H sought out professional counseling. Unfortunately the counselor was a jerk and started him on this "love language crap" which caused me to become upset. I am the opposite of that crap and expected my H to know that. But I can tell some of what the counselor said hit home.

The biggest thing was that my H was more communicative and open. And still is.

The work for me was, the person who hurt me wanted to take the lead in being a far better person, wanted to help heal the relationship and also help me by listening and caring about the pain she caused.

I think it was around three years of her consistent effort that allowed me to believe the work wasn’t temporary, it was a permanent part of the M.

I don’t mean she is perfect, she ain’t.

I never wanted perfect, I just wanted someone who sees all my imperfections and loves me anyway.

I mean she continues to care about the damage she caused and continues to try to be better and do better nearly 10-years later. That’s still part of her work in the M, and I do the same.

From my three year update on "doing the work":

For the WS, the hardest work is driving down into the "why?" of the A. Not the surface level, blame shifting "why". The internal machinations that they used to give themself permission to cheat. What is that thought process? How is it flawed? Are there FOO issues or trauma issues that led to that type of decision-making? How will you identify when you are in that thought pattern and break free from it? Becoming honest not just about the A, but most likely in general, is going to be a long journey for the WS.

Old wounds I totally agree that the changes made in the aftermath have to be seen and accepted as permanent changes. They are not short term moves to be done just until the BS feels better. All of it is permanent. That was something I was very clear with my WW on from the very beginning.

This is an interesting thread to me. A lot of WS seem to hit that mark of 70-80% of what they should be doing. I wonder why they fall just short. Are expectations too high? Or do they avoid the most vulnerable parts of themselves?

I was going to ask this very question, I’m not sure my WS is doing all he can. He NEVER wants to talk about it, he says because he doesn’t want to upset me. Dude, you upset me already.

I really want to know the "why". Not his canned answer of "I don’t know, she gave me attention at work". Why did you think this was okay, surely you had to have assume this was a D sentence…. I’m still so confused on that part and hoping IC can help with it.

This is an interesting thread to me. A lot of WS seem to hit that mark of 70-80% of what they should be doing. I wonder why they fall just short. Are expectations too high? Or do they avoid the most vulnerable parts of themselves?

Our MC — he explained that a WS with any kind of conscience — knows they did wrong and they are sure that the very next mistake, the very next bad day or the next bit of unpleasant truth, will be the final straw for us.

Our MC told us at the end of our last session, he was a BS. His ex had an exit A, she walked away from her daughter too. Basically, as a counselor with 35 years of working with couples, he had seen a lot of WS struggle with vulnerability after they hurt their BS.

What I liked about him the most is he made no promises and he wasn’t aiming for any one outcome for us, he wanted us both to heal the best way possible, solo or as a team.

I know my wife was ready to give up a couple times, she was certain nothing she did would be enough. And really, there isn’t any way to balance the scales of infidelity.

I had to really forgive (for me and my own peace) in order to get back to vulnerable.

My wife kept trying, KNOWING there was a chance that effort wouldn’t be enough to save us — and yet she kept trying anyway.

After a while, it was clear she was all in.

A loooong time ago, my 9th grade football coach gave me and a bunch of other mouth breathing idiots some sage advice. It is advice I am still learning the nuances of, and I ponder frequently. He said, "Excuses are like a$$holes, everyone's got 'em, and they all stink."

Without going into a long dissertation on what the work looks like, I will try to state it simply. The work starts when the "why's" look less like excuses, and more like serious self-learning or self-reflection. Then, the work goes on when the WS faces with some honesty the real reasons for their actions and then takes action to fix or address those real reasons. I can back up from there. My fWW did not have the language or emotional intelligence to even start looking deeply into her "why's". She needed IC, MC and reading a ton of articles and then a few books to even get to the point where her excuses turned into reasons and traumas from her family of origin and the very flawed thinking of the people she surrounded herself with.

So the work starts with a commitment to the marriage, to stop making excuses, learn the whys, then fix them withing the WW so they are safe. All are choices backed up by concrete behaviors. There is no going back to the way it was. That marriage is gone, and it is time to start a new one. That WS better be gone too, and a newer, better version of them better emerge or it will not work. And, it takes time and effort. There is no quick fix with infidelity.

I love the lyrics of 3 Doors Down's song "Pieces of Me", "But tomorrow will be a brand new day, And I hope that it brings the chance that I forgot to take, And I know there's so much I can be, If I can be strong enough to throw away these weak pieces of me." The WS needs to throw away the weak pieces of them that lead to infidelity. I also bet there are weak pieces of each of us that should be thrown away in the R process too.