SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting. I just ended a 15 year affair. I am trying to read as much here as possible. I need hope and encouragement that I did the right thing.

My husband does not know how long it lasted. He thought is ended 14 years ago. My husband has a chronic illness and as a caregiver, I was overwhelmed, unhappy and unable to put my needs on him when he can barely manage his own needs. This is not an excuse; just background. I used it to justify my behavior. Leaving my marriage is not an option. When I separated from him before the affair, my kids responded with "How can you leave our sick dad?" More guilt and shame have kept me here. I drank a lot over the last 15 years, to cover my feelings. I have been sober for 2 years and am making serious changes to improve my life.

Any advice to get through this grieving - grieving the end of it, grieving what my marriage will never be, grieving the 15 years I wasted over shame and guilt, grieving my friendship and a place to talk about all my husband's disease issues.
I am reaching out here so I can stand firm in my decision to move forward.

Thank you for listening.

This is a very unique situation.

Can you explain further in a few things-

So you have been the caregiver for your husband for at least the last fifteen years. When you say that, is he completely disabled? And how old were your kids at that time? Did you want to leave for other reasons other than you didn’t sign up to be a lifelong caregiver?

Maybe these things are irrelevant, but my over arching thoughts:

- your children may not feel this same way now, as people revolve they can understand that you do not want to give your life to be a caregiver to someone that you possibly had a lousy relationship to begin with. I understand there may not be other resources available though for his care. Would he be amiable to changing your relationship to caregiver instead of his wife in his case?

-it’s good you ended the affair- but why did you end it? (That’s just curiousity) Is the other person married too?

My husband has always had anger issues, his disease has just made it worse. He is in a power chair with little mobility. He is on disability; unable to work. He can do some things himself for self care but is not yet bedridden. I wanted to leave because he was emotionally abusive and I basically thought : I am going to be changing your diapers someday and you treat me like this now?

Unfortunately, affair partner convinced me to stay to do what was right for my family. My friends and family thought it I should leave as well. I feel it was more in self interest that he didn't want to make that choice in his own marriage. He is married to a women 20 years younger, who is on an amazing career path, every well off because of her. But she left little time for him. I was always available.

I decided to end it for a few reasons. First, now that I am sober I see all the damage I have done to myself through this relationship. Second, I have returned to my church and want to get right with my higher being. Third, his wife will be retiring in 2 years and things will radically shift between us then. Why wait for it? I would rather end it on my own terms, empower myself for a better life.

I hope this helps and thank you for taking the time to consider my situation.

Let me start out by saying good for you for sticking it out so far to care for eour husband. Having been on the other end of it I know it cannot have been easy physically or mentally to do that.

Your situation is totally unique but here is my perspective.

As someone who was disabled for 4 years and who's husband was my caregiver I wanted to know the reality of my life.

When I found he was acting out innapropriately I told him that I want a loving marriage and if he only sees himself as my caregiver, and wanted to seek sexual or romantic relatioships elsewhere then he could leave starting out by moving to the basement suite and I would figure out how to be cared for.

After careful reflection he realized he wanted ME as a wife.

It seems in your case that you dont want to be/can't be a wife because of circumstances. He may be ok with that, or not. But, you haven't given him a choice by not telling him.

I realize that yours is a complex situation, and you know your spouse's mental state better than we do. However you are not giving him agency to make decisions about his own life.

Thank you for your input. I never thought of it that way and am happy to hear the other side. I will do much reflecting on this. Telling him about it is not an option due to his mental state but the decision to see myself as a wife as opposed to a care giver is something I need to explore.

Mayamia, I'm glad you found your way here. I'm going to answer your question about grieving in the context of your comment about going back to church.

Do you know Psalm 22? The one that Jesus quoted on the cross. The beginning is devastating. My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? . . . I am a worm and not a man, scorned by everyone, despised by the people. The psalmist goes on and on, thoroughly exploring just how awful his life is. But interspersed from his exploration of just how awful his own life is are affirmations and statements about how good God is: Yet you are holy, You who are enthroned upon the praises of Israel. And remembering that God is his creator: Yet You are He who brougth me forth from the womb; You made me trust when upon my mother's breasts.

For me this is a model of despair, when I am despairing. To thoroughly explore all the aspects of the despair, just how awful things are, to give words and voice to all of it. Then to intentionally change my perspective to consider the character of God: goodness, majesty, widsom, mercy, power, beauty, whatever part of God I need on that day. And to remember that as my creator, he cares for me, like a mother cares for her baby. A baby doesn't do anything to earn the mother's love and there is nothing a baby can do to make the mother not love them. Like that, that is how you are cared for and loved. Sometimes it takes me a long, long, long walk in the woods and sometimes more than a day or two before this works, but it works, reliably, and the more healed I am the more I have to offer to the people I care for, including the people I have hurt.

Also, please consider offering your disabled husband the dignity of the truth of the marriage and the agency to decide whether he would like to remain married to you or to rely on the services that are provided through government or charity (not ideal, I know, but also not nothing), or his children. There is so much agency taken away from people who rely on others to care for them. Betrayed spouses often talk about the loss of agency as one of the most damaging parts. The more you can give back, the better. I realize this is an extremely complicated situation, but please consider it.

I'll pray for you mayamia, your name reminds me of the name of my favorite poster (Maia), a beloved friend who died a few years ago. Read through Maia's Survival Guide if you need help on detaching from the relationship that you formed with the AP.