SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's me again in a stupid moment of weakness. He stopped by today to pick up some clothes for work. I kept to myself as usual. Just looking at him hurts. Before he left he came to me and said "you know you can call me if you need anything with the house or help with anything right?". Yall I couldnt contain myself. The pain that ive keeping a lid on pretty successfully around him came to a violent boil inside me and my first thought was HOW DARE HE. How dare he act like some loving concerned man! How dare he play the fake good guy while he is out having sex with a literal demon while I spiral and fight every hour to hold things together for my kids. I bit my cheek hard to keep myself from screaming like a crazy person. I bit out as calmly as I could holding back as much emotion as I could as I responded slowly with "i have friends and people who love me who can help me if I need them." Really hoping it would end there. Instead he says "do you really think thats a better option?". I swear when I say I wanted to unleash everything ive been holding deep down inside at this stupid the nerve of him comment. It quickly became a hushed argument of my clear feelings I cannot depend on a man who walks away from his family for a POS and him trying to tell me he is hurting too. The hell he is. I told him if that was true he would get the help he needed and come back home to his family. Then I did something I truly knew better than to do because I already know the answer. I turned to him and said look me in the eye, do you love her. And he said "im not even in contact with her." Lies. All lies. He does nothing but lie i swear. When he arrived he sat in his car for a good bit of time which he normally does when he in talking to someone and id bet everything there is nothing is on the call log for that period of time because he calls her on Instagram. After he said that I rolled my eyes and walked away. He and I both know the truth. As I said before, I will NEVER understand how that low level no morals serial homewrecking, cheating drug and alcohol abusing mentally deranged violent turd is worth losing everything for. Two cat shits, one litter box.

Maybe I'm misreading this, but I don't see this as a moment of weakness on your part. I think you did a fantastic job of refraining from pulling his nutsack up over his forehead and smothering him with it.

There really isn't a "right" way to handle a situation like this. If I may say, your feelings are entirely valid and don't know if I'd have done any better. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's awful, and I concurr with your litter box analogy.

My husband walked away from our marriage in 1978. We had a toddler then.

At one point he said I could call him if I needed anything. I told him I needed nothing from him, and would not ever ask him. I told him "the only person I can trust is myself". And that I would not ever make the mistake of depending on anyone again.

I was only 22. I changed in the months he was gone. I found my voice, my self-reliance, and the knowledge that despite everything else I could make it on my own.

He came back a few months later. Looking back, I should have told him to stay away unless and until I would be the only woman in his life. If only I had known what was to come.

I think you did great. This shit is HARD.

I don't think you handled this situation badly; in fact, I think you used quite a bit of restraint. My favorite part was when you didn't waste the effort of calling him out on his lying; you just rolled your eyes at him.

But as you seem to understand, engaging with him at all is a waste of time and does nothing but get you worked up and upset. So here's some practical advice:

Is all of his stuff out the house yet? If not, I would pack it all up, leave it outside, and give him specific days/times to pick everything up when you're not there. If that's not a possibility, then make it a point to leave whenever he comes to the house. Go for a drive, go for a walk, take the kids to the playground, whatever you need to do.

You need to limit your interactions as much as possible and when he does try to engage you (by saying stuff like, "I'll help you out around the house") respond to him as if you were an apathetic teenager being asked boring questions by a distant relative.

"What's new at school?"

"Nothing." <goes back to texting>

I think the upcoming months are when things are going to get challenging. From what you described, it's clear that it really hasn't sunken in for him yet that the marriage is over. I really believe that he thinks he's going to be able to tramp around for a while like a stray cat, and you'll leave the door open for him when he wants to come back. Mark my words... he's going to try to delay the divorce process and drag it out for as long as he can, especially if OW is pushing for marriage.

You really need to prepare yourself for when he comes crawling back and starts promising you the moon and the stars for the chance to fix things. He might say "I was such an idiot I didn't realize what I was losing, I'll be the best husband ever!" What that actually means is: "This wasn't as much fun as I thought it was going to be and I don't want to lose half my shit." If you end up taking him back, you're going to end up spending the foreseeable future feeling like Plan B, especially after his neglect and emotional abuse of your children (and yes, telling your child--especially one who is sick-- that you're going to abandon the family is abuse and it's unimaginably cruel).

I don’t see any weakness there.

If you started crying and begging him to come home, they yeah that would be bad. But instead you gave him measured, close ended statements. That’s strength.