I found this exercise very helpful to processing my emotions and asking for empathy from my WS. We are 2 months out from D-Day.
Impact on my thoughts, feelings and behaviors.
Your emotional affair has turned my life upside down this past month. It has profoundly impacted my daily life because the very foundation of our marriage was shattered. I have daily flashbacks about the times when you and your AP were together either on the phone or in person. The flashbacks make me feel angry because it wasn't fair to me.
I feel like I was on the wrong end of a deal that I once thought was my most precious thing. When I was giving you time away from the kids or they were set up watching TV while I was working, you were using some of that time to hang out with ... I had to do double duty for you to have the freedom to carry this out. This makes me feel deeply rejected that you didn't see me worthy of your time investment and unfiltered attention. I wish you would have called me down to your office to play cards or to sit with you while you worked. I wish you would have reached for me when you were lonely or that I did more to help you find healthy friendships.
I feel like the boring third wheel that got in the way of your fun relationship with your AP. A lot of the things that are quirky or different about me. I don't feel like you appreciate them or they brought value to our relationship so I find myself wanting to step away from them. I feel like he was in on things that I didn't get to be a part of. You intentionally excluded me from these parts of your life because I wasn't a safe space for you. Not being your safe space takes away that special feeling I got when you picked me.
I lost my trust in you. In the first weeks after the discovery, you made this about yourself and I felt like I was left out in the cold. This was a much bigger deal for me and I couldn't get you to do the things I needed. Discovering additional betrayals by digging makes me anxious that I could find more any day. It leaves me feeling untethered, ungrounded and losing control of my emotions. I am doing my best to control my anger but I don't always win against it. Sometimes I had flashbacks that I was left to deal with alone.
Your AP showed his intentions by the nature and volume of communication AND by pushing back against your boundary when you said stop. I agree that your AP's motives were complex at times. But I want you to be able to see these risky situations for what they were and the overall situation for what it was. It leaves me unsure of what boundaries we have now will actually stay in place. I am scared what could happen when I am not there to be a lookout.
There is a clear before and after for me. The before had so much more confidence and self esteem. I could handle challenging times and you were my rock. My most trusted and special person in my life. For the After, I sometimes feel like I am falling. Like I lost a lot and I am tumbling down a steep hill and I can't stop it from happening. I wasn't there in your office to protect you from this happening and I couldn't see it in time to stop the damage. So much of what has happened and the healing work after is outside of my control.
I need your help to rebuild trust. I can't do this alone. Even if it doesn't feel good enough or it feels like it's too much I need you to keep trying. Thank you for the work you have put in the past week on journaling, texts from the books, discussion posts and being vulnerable during healing time. That is exactly what I needed. I love you and I am seeing things get better.
