SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

22 August 2026 I found out my super kind and sweet husband had been having an affair with some who works for him. I haven’t slept properly, I’ve lost about 10 kilos from not eating. At first, my resting heart rate was in the 90s, at least that’s settled.
The more details I add the worse it gets. He trickle truthed me at first. It was only a couple of months while we were separated, then never while we lived together. Then, it was happening right up to January this year.
My husband and I have been together for awhile, and our relationship has endured different seasons. But now I look at him and I don’t know him. At first, when I found out I asked too many explicit questions, which he unfortunately answered. Now I am left heartbroken.
He started a business in 2018, employed her remotely in 2019. Then in 2022 she moved cities to be in the same city as us. At that time her marriage fell apart.
I hold him responsible 100%. And he betrayed me. However, she booked the hotel the first time. She love bombed him with gifts. Moving cities, according to her, was partly motivated by being near him. I have so much hate towards her.
I want to heal, I want to build a happy and healthy marriage. I want to look at my husband and not imagine him with her.
For the short term, they need to work together. She now works from home and their contact is through work channels only which I see most days. I am satisfied the affair is over, he shares his location I do not think they have continued. But how do we progress? I think I’m ok, then while lying in bed a violent jerk awake because the images in my mind are so traumatising.
I want my marriage. I want my husband. I want my life back.

You will start feeling better when she’s no longer employed by your Husband.

But you will need to feel safe and that is his job - - to make amends, have true remorse, do anything to start to rebuild trust with you and make you feel safe.

FYI it takes years to recover from this. It’s a trauma. You will have triggers. You will be on " high alert" and suspicious for awhile. But you will start to see that you will take some steps forward )and then maybe one back) but month over month you will see improvements.

I’d suggest getting a counselor just for you to help you heal. It will help you decide what you want and what you need from the marriage.

The cheater should also get counseling (also individually).

I hope this helps you.

Thank you for your message. We are both in individual therapy and couples counselling. I agree wholeheartedly, the ongoing contact, albeit minimal and restricted to work is troubling. There’s some business restructuring that should start to settle by July 1. He doesn’t see her working for the company long term. Obviously I have no contact with her, but the day after I found out we did have a phone conversation. She said then that she was in love with him, feelings he says he does not reciprocate. So while he might want her to leave the business whether or not she will is completely unknown.

I smiled reading your tag under your message, survived two affairs, happily reconciled 12 years on. It’s possible, it takes two committed people. Thank you.

Welcome to the unwanted club.

Before thinking about reconciliation it’s important you put above anything else you’re healing.

Him too.

He is broken, and he broke you too.

Until you fully recovered from this trauma and he completely changes a true reconciliation (which I understand you want) is domed.

You must heal yourself and he must do his own healing.

Unfortunately is not going to be a fun ride, there will be likely more blows as the lies fall like a house of cards, before he truly realizes (if he is sincere) and owns what he did. Until then you can’t count on him.

You must put yourself first.

Don’t keep the emotions locked in, allow yourself to be heard, is what you need the most.

You have been heard

One thing: You all need to talk to an employment lawyer…I’d be a bit worried about claims she may have against your husband.

So sorry you’re going through this.

Thank you for the messages. I agree about the employment situation, it's a real fear I have. Also, I am realising that I have thrown myself into trying to repair the marriage without first focusing on myself. I will put my time and energy into that.

I am scared, but the rational part of me already has the answer. If we can't heal ourselves, we can't really build a happy and healthy marriage after this devastating thing. I am scared that if we take the time to heal he will move on. That's my irrational fear. If he does move on, then we weren't ever going to rebuild. I have been so scared to let go, I have been trying so hard to save the marriage that I haven't let him or me have the space and time we need.

I am almost not going to post this, but as I read and type I am realising more about myself and where we are.

It;s often said that the BS has to heal the BS, the WS has to heal the WS, and THEN you can heal the M.
It’s also said that you must be willing to lose the M. Both are true.

Focus on you. If he does the work to heal himself, then you can work on R. As you said, if he doesn’t, well then R was never going to work anyway. Risk losing the M. Focus on you.

It’s hard as hell, so sending strength. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders - keep that up. You can get through this!

You are in individual counseling which is great but I highly recommend you cancel the couples counseling for now. MC's tend to focus on putting the affair behind you and building a brand new shiny sparkly relationship and in my opinion that is complete BS. I had not found this forum yet and my knee-jerk reaction was to demand MC right away and in hindsight I realize that was a big mistake

He needs to find a way to get rid of her without triggering wrongful termination lawsuit because there's a good chance she has evidence of their relationship that he probably does not know about and that will definitely be used against him.

I wanted my wife to quit her job but it provides health insurance for the family and being a father of three boys I had to accept the fact that she had to keep that job so every morning when she left to go to work I knew she would be in the same building as her AP and it was rough to say the least. No matter how she tried to console me by saying she was staying in her office unless she had to go to the bathroom and if she did she made sure to avoid him it didn't help because I knew they were still in the same building together

You have found a great place for support and advice, we are here for you