SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am still trying to figure out why I can't let the memories go of my wife and I.Why can't I stop longing for a woman that cheated on me and choose the person over me so strongly that she changed her number after we been together for 6years.Why was it so easy for her and hard for me.I need help I want to hate her n shit her out my heart and mind sometimes I wanna rip my own heart out for being such a good to have given up my home,country,job,car,family following what I thought was live.Dje is a narcissist and I saw it but continue to say that's from her past she will change but she never did it got worse til she put her hands on me and then lied n put in a stay away order against me when I was the one with the brown ribs n bleeding.How can she stand up in court and lie and allowed kids that I help raised for 6 years to lie also.After all this hurt and pain why am I still worried about her n the kids why do I still love.PLEASE HELP ME GET OVER THIS WOMAN INSTEAD OF GETTING UNDER Another ONE

Bettermenow,

First of all, I’m sending you hugs. What abominable treatment you have been subjected to.

I thought I was going to marry my xWGF, but she left me for the guy I was told not to worry about. Lied and gaslighted me about cheating, only to "come clean" two years later.

First, I think you should get a therapist, one who specializes in betrayal trauma. You may be depressed, and you will need treatment to deal with that.

Second, focus on yourself. Your self-esteem is in the crapper. We’ve all been there. I first dealt with this by exercise. I had been a D1 athlete who’d let myself go a little bit. I started eating right, quit tobacco, and hit the gym like a madman. I got jacked!! That made me feel better and more attractive, which I needed. You need that.

You also need to feel better on the inside. Have you tried daily affirmations? A gratitude journal? Believe it or not, those things help. If you can’t think of things, ask your friends for help, they will tell you all the ways you rock.

Realize too that part of what you’re mourning is the loss of your dreams of the future. You had envisioned a life and that is not coming true now. So fill your life with new stuff - hobbies, clubs, other interests. Soon you’ll start imagining a new future. It might even excite you to imagine the possibilities.

It does take time. We’re here for you along the way. You’re going to be alright.

It comes down to brain chemistry. Bettermenow, you are grieving, and everyone deals with grief in different ways and on different timelines. Your brain is used to loving your wife. You were attached to her and your kids (and what a horrible thing to do to them and you in court!), and it'll take a while for your brain to adjust to living without those attachments. It was easier for her because she cheated - she already broke that attachment to you.

One of the best things you can do is start forming new habits and patterns. Avoid things that remind you of her or your old life as much as possible. Change up your life, even in small ways, like taking a different route to work or eating different meals for dinner. Do things that bring you joy. Were there things she didn't like to do that you stopped doing?

I also second Letmebefrank's suggestion of therapy, if you can afford it and find a good one. You can also talk to your doctor about getting on antidepressants if your mental state is causing you major problems like not being able focus at work or not getting enough sleep.

And finally, how long has it been? Sometimes it can take a few years to really get over someone. Nothing wrong with that.

Also, look up the term "narcissist discard", as that seems to be what happened to you. I have unfortunately had to deal with people with personality disorders…if she’s really NPD, you will one day realize that her leaving, as painful as it was, is the best thing she could have done for you.

Some books helped me in the past months:

Betrayal bind.
Covert Narccissist.
Leave a cheater, get a life.

I feel your pain!

I am so sorry for your pain and suffering.

Here is another view of your situation. It wasn’t that you weren’t "good enough". You were the star of her life for years. The cheater was very happy. Life was good.

Until they decided to cheat.

changing her # to hurt you may not be the reason. She did it to avoid facing the pain, damage, hurt and consequences of being a cheater. It was for the cheater’s sake to avoid facing the uncomfortable situation of what they did.

I don’t care what words were used to explain things, the cheater will justify the decision to cheat and blame the betrayed spouse in any way possible.

You don’t need to hate her. You need (or want) to get to a place where you no longer care about her or her life. You’ve moved on and she was just someone you used to know.

And the best revenge is for you to be happy. Live your best life. Become immune to her existence.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:31 AM, Saturday, June 20th]