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We’re about 9 months out, and I think one of the things I’m struggling with most right now is feeling like my husband still thinks loving me the way he loved me before the affair should be enough. And it isn’t anymore.
I don’t mean that I need endless apologies, constant reassurance, or for him to spend the rest of our marriage making up for what he did. I actually don’t want more "I’m sorrys." The fact that when he says them it sounds robotic and lacks tenderness probably doesn't help. I want to feel that he thinks about me.
I keep asking for him to lead more in our healing... to be proactive, intentional, curious, and emotionally aware. I want him to think, "What more can I do to help us connect relationally?" instead of waiting until I’m hurting and telling him exactly what I needed.

This weekend gave me a couple examples of what I mean.
It was the anniversary of my dad’s death. I wanted coffee and to watch the sunrise at the beach because that was something we used to do with my dad. I was already emotional and to make matters worse we were hosting his younger brother and SIL. On the way there, my husband was talking to his brother about work the whole time and we were bickering and he was just all around not giving me any grace considering the circumstances, getting coffee became an argument because it was out of the way, but that's what I used to do with my dad. When we got there, he was with our boys for a little bit and then went over to his brother. He never came over and hugged me, sat beside me, asked about my dad, or acknowledged what the day meant. It felt like the day didn't even matter to him and like he just wanted to talk shop and connect with his brother more than be there for me on a really hard day.
I ended up sitting with my SIL waiting for him to come over and create a moment with me. My daughter was actually the person who joined me in my grief. She talked about her NayNay and wrote him little notes in the sand. It was beautiful, but I remember thinking how badly I wished my husband had come and sat beside me and held me and remembered him with me.
When I told him how lonely that felt, he said he thought I wanted to be alone. And maybe he genuinely did. But this is what I mean by curiosity. Come over. Hug me. Ask, "Do you want me to sit with you, or would you rather have some space?" I don’t expect him to read my mind. I want him to wonder about me. I've expressed this need so so often. Before we got there I even told him, I'm having a hard time, please just be tender towards me, you keep talking to me like I'm a nuisance and ruining the day but I'm just having a hard time right now.

Then yesterday we were going around the island where we spent a lot of time with AP as a family. We literally parked across from one of her houses where we all used to hang out, and my SIL commented on how beautiful the house was. It gutted me. I was such an anxious mess but I really did my best to not be grumpy and ruin the day. I may have been short and grumpy over something small like him not getting me the lunch I wanted, but I just felt like he was showing me in small ways and big just how little he thinks about me or considers me.
Today I told him how much it would have meant if he had approached me at some point and said something like, "I know being here and passing all these places must be really hard for you. I’m proud of you. I know what you’ve had to carry because of what I did, and I love you."
Instead, he seemed surprised that being on the island would have been an issue. Eventually he shut down and said "I’m sorry," and I lost it, I don’t want another apology. I want him to SEE me. His apologies sound apathetic and empty, no tenderness or care. It's like he's exhausted and just saying it to shut me up.

He tells me he loves me. He is sweet to me. He helps with our family. He does check in sometimes, and I don't want to erase those things. This weekend he became frustrated and told me that he had been sweet and curious and checking in, but I kept making him feel like an asshole who was doing everything wrong.
And I think that’s where we are so stuck.

He keeps hearing, "You aren't doing enough."

What I'm trying desperately to communicate is, "I need you to learn to love me differently now."
I don’t want 50 more checkins because he’s afraid he isn't doing enough. I want him to develop the relational instinct to think about my inner world. I want him to recognize significant days and obvious triggers and move toward me. I want him to initiate connection. I want him to be curious when he doesn't know what I need. I want him to think about what might make me feel loved and cherished and then do it, without me having to design the moment for him first. It's making me feel so unseen and considering we aren't being intimate because I keep telling him I want to connect first, I feel like we are so freaking stuck and just becoming more distant and it breaks me heart all over again.
I want to discover that I was on his mind. I want to feel like he's curious and actively thinking of me and my internal experience without me prompting him.

And when I try to explain a missed opportunity, I don't want him to collapse into "nothing I do is enough" or "I’m an asshole." I want him to be able to think, "Okay, I understand her a little better now. What can I learn from this? How can I show up differently next time?"
I feel like I have explained this so clearly and so many times. He has said he knows what he needs to do but I'm not seeing it. We're 9 months out, and I'm exhausted from feeling like I'm still teaching him how to reach me.
I love him. I believe he loves me. I don't think he's intentionally withholding love from me. I think shame and defensiveness get in the way, and I think sometimes he genuinely believes he is doing what I've asked. But I feel so incredibly alone when I have to keep explaining how I need him to emotionally come toward me.

For those farther along in reconciliation... did this change?
Did your partner eventually stop approaching repair as "Am I doing enough?" and start thinking more naturally, "How is my partner doing, and how can I connect with them?"
Did the proactive empathy, curiosity, emotional awareness, and initiative eventually become more natural instead of something you had to constantly request?

I think I just need some hope right now that 9 months isn't the finished product. That shame doesn't have to keep him stuck here. That someone who isn't naturally emotionally attuned can actually learn this and that eventually I won't have to work this hard just to feel seen by my husband.
Because right now I don't need him to be perfect. I just desperately need to feel like we are moving toward one another when instead it feels like we keep getting more distant. Sorry this is so long but I just feel so stuck and sad.

I can relate to some of the things you are saying. I don't know if I would have reacted as nicely as you did with your dads situation as you did because he should have done better but your focus wasn’t on him and it shouldn’t have been.

The one million apologies, I completely relate to! We are 2.5 years out and I will tell you it does get better! We are still working, some days harder than I thought we would be but we are doing great. When I have triggers or bad days and the apologies start, he has now learned to just stop. I don’t want apologies, I just want continued actions. I want him to anticipate them, if that is possible, and if not then embrace them and work through them with me. Do not make it a pity party of apologies about him being a horrible person that did this to us and he is so sorry for it. That is not what I want or care to hear, it is not about him and we already all know that!!

The fact that your husband does feel bad and is saying those things is a good sign but what you are describing kind of sounds to me surface level, what we went through at first. Have you broke down the whys? the how did he do this to you? has he broke down and really talked to you where he has gone beyond "I’m sorry"? It took us a little while to get to that point but once we did a lot of things changed. It didn’t make more sense, because what he did will never make sense, but it started to help him figure himself out and it was a turning point for us to start working on us. I did read the book Not Just Friends and then had him read it, everyone recommends having your partner read it. It I wanted to read it first so while he was reading it he could talk to me about what he was reading f and realizing. I highly recommend it and we aren’t readers at all!

I don’t know your story, or the extent of his affair but I know they all hurt and are devastating and are incredibly hard to reconcile from. I am happy to hear you are trying and I pray for y’all that it works. My husbands was an inappropriate flirting relationship, at a second job a few times a month, that then turned into a very intentional texting relationship for a few weeks before I found out. I would tell you it might as well have been a full on physical affair for years because it hurts just the same but I haven’t felt that hurt so I can’t say that but I can’t imagine anything f gutting me worse than this betrayal from the man I trusted with my life for 23 years.

Reconciling has been hard, me not walking out the door the second I found out has been hard for me to rationalize in my head but now 2.5 years out I don’t regret any of it, we still fight through the hard days and we enjoy the good days, we make new memories, we get through the hard times and we look forward to our future.

Keep fighting but tell your husband to wake up and sorry isn’t enough, be honest with him!!! I wrote a lot of "novels" as I called them and I would wait until he came home from shift and then send it to him to read and then talk about because I did better writing all my feelings down instead of trying to talk about them in a heated moment or when I was upset. Find what works for you and if he is really 100% into reconciliation then he will do whatever it takes. He will listen to you say the same thing 1000 times and ask the same questions 1 million times and hold you when you cry.

You are obviously wanting to reconcile and so is your husband but he just needs to dive a little deeper into the hurt he caused you and the long term effects it is going to have. Feel free to message me anytime and I hope the best for you and I believe he can learn to love you different because I have seen it in my relationship. I hate the circumstances that caused it but I have had to learn to close that chapter and start a new one and I hope you can too.

I’m going to put in my 2 cents here and as someone who is 13 years out from the year from hell.

Does my H try 100%? Yes he does.

Does he get it? Not as much as I would like at times.

Quick example. We were talking finances. I made a comment about the fact I have no credit card debt. He "corrected" me and said "our debt". I said nope - we do not have joint credit card accounts so they are in my name alone and I have no debt. I then explained WHY we don’t have joint accounts b/c of his affair and I needed to financially protect myself.

He said he had no idea how much an affair impacted my life.

That was 8 years post affair.

Does my H say anything in Dday now? No. I’m not sure he remembers. But I know at times he’d rather hide from it by rationalizing that "I’m
Ok so why bring it up?"

Sooo……here’s my point. You cannot expect your H to think like you.

Many cheaters will avoid a discussion about the affair as they are cowards. Yup - cowards. They don’t want to face it or acknowledge it. They would rather hide from it.

They will say I’m sorry a million times — because they are. But I believe something prevents them from being able to see it from the betrayed’s perspective. Maybe it’s fear - maybe it’s just too much for them to handle.

I don’t think you asked your H for anything other than some acknowledgment and support. But you can see he used the "I thought you wanted to be alone" as a cop out (IMO).

The life of a betrayed ain’t easy. I’m not trying to make excuses for your H’s lack of emotional support or intelligence. It’s just that we as betrayeds have to accept the reality that the cheaters don’t or won’t think like us.

I hope this helps you.

I think one of the things I’m struggling with most right now is feeling like my husband still thinks loving me the way he loved me before the affair should be enough. And it isn’t anymore.

You are absolutely correct on this.

What I did...did not sit well with a LOT of people on here...I want to bring that point up ! But it worked FOR ME...and that is what counts...so MAYBE it will work for you...or not .

My H was always selfish. I knew this from the start of our relationship and I was alright with it. I love being a "giver" and had absolutely NO problem with putting HIM first...it felt like we were meant to be like that...UNTIL the A. It was on Dday...after my H confessed to his A while working overseas alone for 9 1/2 weeks...that I came up with ULTIMATUMS in order for me to even consider R.

As soon as my H confessed to his A...two days after coming home from overseas...I immediately told him the M was over. I then got up to leave the living room...telling him to contact the adultery co-conspirator so that they could work on what their relationship would be because ours was DONE. Instead of doing that though...my H followed me into our bedroom and ASKED if he could lay in the bed with me. This was after two days of him barely touching me BEFORE his confession . We talked for a bit...but I was adamant that he get up and message the adultery co-conspirator. With the time difference between the two countries I knew she would be asleep soon...and I wanted this to be taken care of.

While I was alone though...my mind had come back to some clarity...and I began to wonder IF there was a way that R could be possible. That is when the ultimatums started coming up in my head . Honestly...I truly didn't think my H would do ANY of them...but I KNEW that if he didn't do EVERY ONE...he wasn't worthy of R with ME.

I went back in the living room and he was finished messaging with the adultery co-conspirator. I told him that the M may not be over...but I had come up with ultimatums. I told him he didn't HAVE to do any of them...but if he didn't do EVERY ONE...then we were over. I told him what they were...and he agreed to them all. The FIRST one he had to do right then. He had to send the adultery co-conspirator a NC message...and then never contact her again. He didn't even hesitate on it. After he had sent it I asked him how it made him feel. He said, "Relieved".

I believe there were 3 more ultimatums...but I can only remember 2. One of them was that HE had to PLAN a fabulous vacation for us for the next year...during the time when the majority of their "firsts" had happened...like the day of their first date...their first kiss...etc. My H NEVER had planned anything like this before. I didn't mind planning everything before...it is something I am pretty good at. But doing this made him have to put the focus on ME and what he could find on this vacation that would be so awesome that it would help ME to combat the triggers from that day.

The other ultimatum I remember was that 2 times a month HE had to PLAN something just for ME. It could be as simple as a card game...or a restaurant that I liked...but it was something for ME...not US...ME. I told him that my reasons for doing all of this was because he was SELFISH and he needed to show me that he could be UNSELFISH. I was NOT going to tolerate his selfish behavior anymore...not after this huge DISRESPECT he showed me!!

It went very awkwardly the first few times !! BUT...he was trying...and I could see he was...so that kept me staying . The fabulous vacation the next year was harder than I thought it would be. My H picked things to do on certain days that I would have otherwise been over the moon about. Instead...I cried often during that time knowing what they had been doing just a year before. BUT...later...when the thoughts would trigger in my head about things they did...I had thoughts about what WE did to combat those triggers .

The two times a month ultimatum started out with him bringing me to some of my favorite restaurants. But then he started becoming more creative with his plans . I remember one time in particular. I LOVE art museums...and Claude Monet is my favorite artist . My H does NOT feel the same way about it!! But one day he brought me to the art museum where there was a display of Claude Monet paintings !! We leisurely walked through the museum and out into the sculpture garden...holding hands..and me just ENJOYING seeing all of this WITH him...something he had NEVER done with me before . He really seemed to be enjoying himself too!! We were eating beignets afterward...and I asked him what he liked most about the trip. He said it was seeing my eyes light up at the Monet exhibit !! Needless to say...that two times a month thing isn't done anymore...because my H is constantly thinking of things to do or buy that makes me realize he is thinking of ME !

A few years after this my H told me that he never knew exactly WHAT to do before in regards to planning things and doing things for me. He said that it seemed like I didn't mind planning things...and it never seemed to bother me that he didn't do things for me...so he just let things be the way they were. When he was brought to task about it...he was at a loss about what to do. But he said that as he started doing them he realized how easy it really was...and seeing that there was something he could do to help me to heal was something that kept him wanting to do MORE of .

I keep asking for him to lead more in our healing... to be proactive, intentional, curious, and emotionally aware. I want him to think, "What more can I do to help us connect relationally?" instead of waiting until I’m hurting and telling him exactly what I needed.

This is where I differed with others on here...and they had no issue letting me know that MY way was not a good thing . I did what should be done on here...I took the advice that helped ME...and left the rest . To ME...if I wanted a certain thing to happen...I was going to TELL him what I wanted...clearly. After that it was up to HIM to make it happen. Others on here would argue that they didn't WANT to be specific...that their husbands should KNOW what they wanted. Fair enough. But doing that left THEM frustrated...doing what I did...didn't .

Dr. Phil used to say that we TEACH people how to TREAT us. I knew that I had taught my H that he didn't have to treat me a certain way. So I was going to teach him how to treat me the way that would make it alright for me to stay in our M. IF he couldn't...or wouldn't be taught...I WOULD find someone who COULD or WOULD be that way .

I actually don’t want more "I’m sorrys."

I know that feeling! My H used to say often about work that he would rather ask for forgiveness than for permission. THIS hit home to me when he started in with the "I'm sorrys"! After I thought about it though...I told him that if he said "I'm sorry"...I wanted it to be specific. Not just "I'm sorry". One instance...we had just finished watching Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Cinderella". I started crying at the part where it stated that they lived "Happily ever after". My H put his arms around me and said that he was sorry that he took my fairytale marriage from me. I knew then that he GOT IT. Surprisingly...he then looked me in the eyes and said he was going to make it his life's mission to give me my "Happily ever after". I didn't know what to make of it then...but after a while I came to realize that he is doing just that .

I don’t expect him to read my mind. I want him to wonder about me. I've expressed this need so so often.

This weekend he became frustrated and told me that he had been sweet and curious and checking in, but I kept making him feel like an asshole who was doing everything wrong.

One thing I have learned from this journey is it is all about perspective . What you are both feeling doesn't seem to be too far off...REALLY! Y'all can use this past trip to dissect it...see what was happening in y'alls head...and this will help y'all to understand each other better .

One thing I came up with when I needed to hear encouraging and thoughtful words from my H...I told him that when I said, "Say something"...it meant that I was triggering and I needed him to be there for ME. At first...his immediate response was, "I love you". After I would calm down...I told him I needed more. So the next time I uttered those words...he would look around and talk about where WE were...and show me the beauty there was around us. That was nice too...especially since it was probably something I saw around there that triggered me! It has been YEARS since I have said those words...but I know that HE knows that my mind is in a dark place when I say those words and he starts helping to get it out and get it into a positive place again .

One thing I have learned from being on here is that a truly remorseful Wayward wants to HELP their Betrayed get out of the infidelity HELL that they put them in. Sometimes the guilt and shame gets in the way. I wanted a HEALTHY spouse as well...and I was willing the help him help me...which helped him in more ways than one .

This approach is NOT for everyone...as so many Betrayeds told me on here ! For ME...I wanted a happy and healthy M...with a loving and faithful spouse . I have that NOW...and NOW is what counts...whatever way we got here !! All I can say is DON'T GIVE UP. Find what works for YOU...to get YOU to a better place . If your WH does the same...GREAT! If he allows guilt and shame to keep him from getting to a better place...then R may not be the path for y'all. BOTH parties have to be ALL IN for R to work. As you get healthier...you will KNOW what path to take .