SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

At this point, this is on you. You’ve been disrespected in the worst way, your WW continues to lie and gaslight you, and up to this point, you’re still sucking up to her and playing "pick me".

When you can reach the point of righteous indignation, where you will finally stand up for yourself against your WW, then you can get your footing and start making progress. Women don’t love men they don’t respect … go back to your first thread and reread it … she’s giving you a road map to regain her respect and told you as much.

1st tangible step … cancel MC. It’s a HUGE waste of time and money and you’ll come out of it the bad guy.

Then, take back some measure of control over your life. If it were me, I’d have a heart to heart with your WW supervisor without giving her any warning. Oh, she’ll be spitting mad and pissed … Good … it’s called a "truth dart" and a direct consequence of her own actions.

Take a step or two in the right direction and watch the momentum turn in your direction.

Not rugsweeping......

Has she been tested for stds?

How often are you talking about the affair?

Is she answering your questions without anger,and defensiveness?

Has she given you a new,complete timeline?

Has she gone NC with all friends who knew of the affair, but didn't tell you?

Is she accountable for her time,when not with you?

Is she apologizing?

Is she fully transparent? Do you have full access to all of her accounts, including her phone? Passwords?

Have you seen an attorney?

Has she thrown away any lingerie she wore with him?

Is she in IC?

Has she read any books about affairs,and how to heal?

Does she understand this takes years to recover from?

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IIRC, you had a dday,and then she took things underground. That's a special kind of Hell. And it means you must be extra vigilant. The BH who have had success at reconciliation are somewhat aggressive. They refuse to take any more lies and abuse. They won't swallow another bite of the shit sandwich. They hold their wives accountable.
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Rugsweeping....

Taking your wife to a fun day at the lake a day after finding out she took the affair underground, and up until a few days prior,it was still ongoing..to try and forget about things and reconnect. Eventually a day like this would be helpful. A day or 2 after finding out it was ongoing? Reeks of Rugsweeping.

Not insisting she do any..or all.. of the things I've listed above.

Going to MC to soon. An MCs job is to treat the marriage. To save the marriage. They will look to you,as to why your wife "needed" to cheat. We've seen a ton of horror stories here, from BS who went to MC too soon.
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What you should be doing? Taking care of yourself. And watching her actions. Giving her a list of requirements like the one above. If she does nothing..if she never talks about it..then you know she hasn't changed, and she isn't remorseful. You can't reconcile with an unremorseful WS, or one that won't put in the work to change.

And working on myself physically and mentally preparing myself in the event this doesn’t work out. I feel if I force all work I will never know whether she wanted to come back to this marriage, but IF I can get her to take it upon herself to fix this situation it would go a long way toward making me believe she wants this more than me. If I can’t I just have to really be willing to walk.

I am happy to read that you have found a method to try that you feel best fits you and your personal experience.

I am also encouraged to read that you and your wife will be attempting MC together. Fingers crossed that your MC will be the right fit for you and your marriage. MC is hard work!

Stay strong in your own personal goals going forward. Lead with love as much as you are able. Love, Marie

"Love is the absence of judgment." ― Dalai Lama XIV

If I continue to try and hold her feet to the fire. I’m trying to fix the marriage not her. I’m the sucker who cares more and has no power in the relationship.

There's a BH here who has been holding his WW's feet to the fire for a few years. He was also trying to "fix the marriage" by getting her to fix herself. IOW, he kept holding her responsible for her shit. I'm fairly certain that it's worked well enough for him (and her).

"Power in relationships" could easily be its own thread topic, garnering plenty of discussion, so I won't get into here. What I will say is that you have the power to make your own decisions regarding your life. Within 24hrs of discovery, I told my XWW that: "I will not be married to a cheater." It was that simple. So, for me, a huge part of reconciliation would be her demonstrating to me that she was both willing and able to own and fix her shit, to change from cheater to safe partner.

...I’m showing my wife that there is a good possibility this marriage won’t survive unless she is willing to take the initiative to fix it.

She has to fix herself, first. I think the vast majority of betrayed spouses offering the gift of reconciliation need to know that their wayward spouses have changed from cheater to safe partner. Nothing about that is easy or quick. From the stories I've read over the years, I'd imagine that for most wayward spouses reconciling was the hardest thing any of them have ever attempted. On average, that takes at least two years.

Look, brother, you're just a few weeks into the shitstorm and it's one hell of a fucking storm. It took me about 10 months just to recover from the initial shock of it all and much of that included me pouring my guts all over these virtual pages. It took me years to heal.

The best advice I ever received on SI was to step-back and detach from my WS, watch and observe what she did with the opportunity I'd given to her, and to focus on me, my recovery and healing. I pass that advice along whenever I can.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 3:53 PM, Wednesday, August 24th]

I do appreciate the rope to hang herself comment, I used a similar tactic upon discovery.

Question what do you see as the path back?

I ask this question as I deeply suspect this is a long-term affair of hers (I suspect multi-year) and you really do not know how long or what has actually been going on between her and the OM. Was her "breakdown" the other day simply because she called the OM and said she is free now they can move forward in their relationship only to find out the OM had no such intentions.

Due to her ability to deceive (tiktok) have you considered a polygraph, it might provide some clarity on the situation. I have taken quite a few, they are highly effective when used correctly with definitive questions. It may be this forum is in error about your wife or it may be they are spot on. Verification of what the situation really is/was would seem to be of importance.

Protect yourself, protect your assets and your sanity.

A lot of good advice in your two threads. It is helpful to go back and reread them because your understanding and experience is changing as time goes on but most of the advice still applies to you at this point. When you first read it you were in a different state of mind so the reread may now illuminate you differently.

One of the stumbling blocks is that many of us think she is still lying to you about the extent of the affair but you seem to have accepted her story. Ask yourself, why would she have missed him so much if it only had been going on for a short while?

Confront her own rugsweeping. Both in her lack of initiative and with her story. You might try telling her that the facts don't line up with her story and that ongoing lies will end the marriage. Tell her it's bothering you and you can't R unless you know what really happened; you need the full truth and that it needs to be a written timeline.