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If it were just wanting you to get over it, my suggestion would be to thank them for their counsel and ignore it. Since they want to get back to normal, consider saying, 'This is the new normal.'

These responses have been so helpful. I’m so glad I found this community

My dad was the greatest person I know- decorated Vietnam vet, career military, successful 2nd career, 50 year marriage to my mom, super involved in his 3 kids lives as we grew up, kind, gentle, and hilarious.

When I told him about the A, he was super supportive. Called me every single night at 11pm his time just to check on me. And after about a month he said it was "time to stop crying and move on". 🤷‍♀️. I just cried harder

In less you have walked in these shoes, you have no idea the damage it does, and Hollywood only perpetuates the myth that people recover in weeks.

My dad loved me and was amazing. But he did not have a clue. I just found other places to lean on.

So just ignore the in-laws. They don’t know what they don’t know.

You can’t make people "get it".

My parents offered no support. Nada. Zilch. Basically told me to get over it.

However it was nothing new and probably expected. They tended to insulate themselves from bad news, uncomfortable situations etc. I never said a word to them and just knew I was in my own w/out family as a "go to" for support.

I would ignore the in-laws and nit even acknowledge the horrible comments. It’s just not worth the aggravation (IMO). You cannot teach empathy, compassion or understanding to people so I would not waste time.

Titanium bounderies time. They are obviously clueless as march hares. My advice? Tell them that their comment is ignorant and wildly inappropriate. That their insensitivity and attempt to pile on guilt has actuslly added to your pain an its not something you are willing to overlook. Tell them that if they ever want any meaningful relationship with you again, they will retract and apologize for that pathetic and hurtful comment. If they cannot step up to the plate like actual adults, then you should limit your exposure to them in the extreme. I dont know where you are in your relationship with your ws but Id tell them that their parents have added to the destruction that the ws caused and tell them exactly what you communicated to your "inlaws".

I agree with sisoon in telling them that this is the new normal and theyd do well to come to grips with it and that if they are struggling with that fact, you know of a couple of good therapists that can help them come to grips.

Attempted manipulation and bullying the betrayed spouse of their own progeny? Nope. Set them straight and maintain those bounderies.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 1:51 AM, Saturday, November 8th]

Agree with all of this. When A was initially discovered I told WS to deal with in laws as I needed distance to process and heal. WS has never had a great relationship with them and now I feel like I’m being blamed for them feeling "left out."

...now I feel like I’m being blamed for them feeling "left out."

Blamed??? It's none of their business! I hate to resort to such a base retort, but... fuck that noise!

I feel like I’m being blamed for them feeling "left out."

This is also part of boundaries work. Everyone owns their own words, responses and feelings. You are not/cannot be responsible for them or their feelings after clearly overstepping their bounds AND giving toxic feedback. Consequences......

Left out of what?
What part of YOUR marriage do they feel left out of?

I want to go back to my answer:
My SIL is married to a great guy and has been for over 30 years. We visit a lot, and early-on I noticed that if we were over for dinner at the same time as his parents then his dad would assume some "head of the family" role. He would sit at the head of the table and dictate both his wife and daughter-in-law. He would also demand coffee and anything else using orders instead of requests. His son would revert to some role as a dutiful child. I was very noticeable and created a tension that was also very noticeable.

It took my wife’s sister a couple of years to confront her husband about his dad’s behavior. I think the catalyst was when his dad tried to dictate what brand of car they bought. The confrontation – where basically they told the in-laws that although appreciative of advice and guidance and their company then this was THEIR family, and THEY would decide how THEIR family spent THEIR time and THEIR money.
The parents still visit. Still come over for dinner. I still meet them several times a year. But the relationship is a lot more relaxed now, with everyone knowing the boundaries and the roles of all involved.

I think my SIL father-in-law epitomizes the issue your in-laws are showing you:
They don’t realize that YOU and YOUR family is NOT the family they created.

Ignore them and do what you want.

You just should not waste your time & energy on people who have their mindset.

Or die trying to get them to change.

For me, I just would rather have an "in one ear and out the other" mentality with them. Let them live in their drama filled selfish world.

While you happily live in yours with your family, away from their chaos. Again, just my own opinion.

FWIW my MIL was highly toxic. No contact for 20+ years was the best decision my H ever made.

now I feel like I’m being blamed for them feeling "left out."

Your feeling is quite valid. However, fuck that shit.
If they feel left out - I'm sorry. BUT it is YOUR marriage and YOUR relationship and YOUR immediate family.

And this IS the new normal for them.

And...for them it easier to blame you than their own shitty behavior and comments.

Just because they try to cast blame doesn't mean you are under any obligation to take it.

I'd tell them to fuck off! Seriously, they want their lives back to normal? They need to tell their child to do whatever it takes to help you heal. Man, that pisses me off. Seems we know where your WP got their selfishness.