SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So don’t tell her.
If you don’t plan on reconciling then I guess the only obligation to tell the OMW is a moral one. Morals are individual based and you are perfectly allowed to think not telling his wife is fine. But don’t expect your former girlfriend to do so. That’s just cruel to the wife.

Okay, I’m not sure if reconciliation is possible but I’m not sure… at this point, today anyway it seems unlikely. But if I see her tomorrow she could have me wrapped around her finger in a second.

I understand the other BS deserves to know.
And I will tell her one way or another.

I understand it might seem cruel to have my girlfriend be the one to tell her.

But if I ask her to do it, she would have to make a choice of who’s she’s going protect, only herself, her affair partner or our relationship.

Otherwise, if I just tell the other woman then my girlfriend has zero consequences for her actions.

IF you two were to attempt reconciliation there are certain things that our collective experience here suggest are near-necessary to have a chance at success:

Total accountable NC with OM.
That can’t be done while they work together or even for the same company. Either he or she needs to leave. Seeing as how he’s her boss then reporting him to HR might get him removed, or it might enable her to be relocated. Her getting fired is very unlikely (unless both are fired) because she has a classic strong case for wrongful dismissal and manager-pressure.
But as long as she’s going to the same building he’s at, same conferences, same trips… you don’t have much chance at reconciling.

Everybody in the know.
If OM thinks the only issue is that you know, it won’t prevent him hitting on her at the next conference, at the next budget meeting or at lunch or whenever. If the OM is concerned that his wife learning about it will be the last straw initiating the divorce, or that his next interaction with HR won’t be a friendly warning about keeping his schnauzer in his pants… it provides HIM with initiative to end the affair.
That would require both his wife, as well as his boss, to know about the affair.

In fact – it might be necessary for your GF to notify HR about the affair, since that would in turn help protect her from wrongful dismissal. If not then there is a strong chance that your GF get’s a negative performance review and is culled in the next "sorry – organizational changes" at her place of work.

I understand completely that you want some type of consequence for the cheaters.

But to flip it around, your cheater may minimize the full truth to the other betrayed spouse. In that scenario everyone loses.

The cheaters will minimize anything they can.

The betrayed partners/spouses don’t learn the full truth or get a watered down version of the affair.

The other betrayed spouse may reconcile under false information and make other decisions while being in the dark.

I’m not saying any betrayed spouse or partner gets the full story. I’d wager most don’t. But IMO it’s better to have as much info as possible than 50% of a watered down version of the affair.

And believe me, after awhile consequences to the cheaters becomes less important. Though I have to say that since the OW is now married, I do hope her husband cheats on her

I ain’t perfect. I’m human.

I really don’t — especially if she has children. It’s not fair to the innocent people in that situation.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:00 PM, Friday, August 28th]

Part of your questioning I think should be around how you know she really wants to be with you.

I bet the answers to the questions what did she open her eyes to, and what was she delusional about are:

* she learned that AP is a bad guy. She told him that you found out and his reaction was not one of kindness or support. He probably jettisoned her to try to save his own ass.

* she was being delusional about their relationship. She realized that he was just using her for sex, and that there was no real love there.

So I’m curious as to whether she dumped him or vice versa. And I’d be curious as to whether you’re her plan b or not.

As I said before, ask her to research, put together and present to you a written plan on how she intends to rebuild your relationship and help you heal. Tell her if she's not willing or interested in doing this then it tells you your marriage is over and you will proceed accordingly with legally ending what her choices have already destroyed.

If she says she will do it, tell her you will give her a head start by requiring the first two items be that she get into weekly therapy with an infidelity specialist.

And secondly she tell you her plan to get her affair partner out of your lives completely and forever. That includes getting a new job and never seeing him again at any conference or event he may be at.

Tell her until those two things are accomplished there is no way to even start rebuilding a life together.

Take her up on her offer to live back at the house for now. Sell all furniture that she and the AP may have compromised on Facebook marketplace. Get rid of it all and replace it with new stuff, and arrange it differently to make it your own for now.

Tell her, no matter what happens between you, you will jointly sell the house and if you someday reconcile you can find a new one with a fresh start.

Yes it's good to confront her with the above. Let her know if she's in any contact with him, there is no you and her.

I'm sorry for your pain.