°Going to make a final attempt...
As a first responder I have training in triage. If I arrived at a car-crash I would maybe ignore the big bleeding gash on the forehead of a victim – the most prominent and obvious injury - and focus on limiting possible spine-damage. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t get to the gash, but rather that the most pressing issue was that until I had the neck and spine taken care of, then any focus on the gash would be wasted time and even might cause more damage.
This is an infidelity site, so of course we focus on the infidelity. We also might focus on OM as the goal of your GF infidelity.
Well... It’s not. OM is the gash... It’s an issue, but not the key issue. The real damage, the damage that can become even more damage... that’s her drinking.
The goal for her is to be able to drink. The OM is an enabler. He’s a nice enabler. He’s a better justification to go out than bulk-discounts at bars. (I’m going out with my friend who doesn’t judge me for boozing, can hold an interesting conversation, and is nice to the eyes...) Ironically – if both she and OM were broke, or placed on a ban to all establishments, she probably wouldn’t visit with him.
DRINKING is the real infidelity.
Your relationship is doomed while one or both are using.
I’m not naïve or ignoring OM. Maybe she quits drinking but keeps OM. Maybe they both have a Come to Jesus moment, get sober and become missionaries in Africa. But while she is drinking then THAT infidelity will be active, and to keep that infidelity active she will use her "less" infidelity with OM.
From what I read her fantasy with OM seems like a fantasy of returning to a (heavily romanticized) version of her previous boozy lifestyle. Do you see elements of this playing out here? If so, what are the implication?
Of course while drinking she wants to return to the best of her previous alcoholic lifestyle. Maybe she’s forgotten the past of being passed out, vomit, shakes, and precarious situations. She only remembers the camaraderie and the warmth she experiences from the second to the twelfth drink.
I have heard this from two very close relatives that were both alcoholic/addicts (incidentally – one died in a work-accident, a moment of carelessness that could easily be attributed to the bender he went on the days before, and the other died of an overdose... As per my previous comment about active addiction being a fatal disease).
An alcoholic is constantly thinking of his next drink. Where, how, when.
Like when I buy a sixpack of beer I’m not thinking this will last for a day, or when and where do I get my next sixpack. I just put it in the fridge and then have a beer when I want one. My sensibilities will stop me from having one for breakfast, or chugging one before driving to the store, or having a can to quench my thirst before heading to bed. When I reach for a can and discover there is none left – I might add it as a line-item on the purchase list for tomorrow or the day after.
Both my afore-mentioned relatives told me (on separate occasions) that when they buy a sixpack they already thought out how long it might last, and what to do when it’s finished. They reach in and find nothing, they tell their partners that they are going to the store to get bread and milk... only to come home with beer. Oh... and a quart of vodka because they had a bit of cash on them. Their thought process is constantly where do I get the NEXT drink?
If you stand in the way of your GF and her drink... she will use the enabler to get her fix. The only question in my mind is who the enabler is going to be – You or OM.
I really appreciated Pogres post and didn’t look sideways at him for his contribution. If anything – it simply shows how complex this illness is. Some can differentiate between "pure" alcoholics and those with drinking "issues". Like I had an issue with my drinking-pattern, but could quit, break the pattern, was sober for nearly a year and since then have been a responsible drinker with no issue. I don’t consider myself alcoholic.
I also know of people that quit without any help and have remained sober for decades.
I guess we can dispute what "functional" is. Like a driver is fully "functional" if he speeds at 110mph up to the very second he slams into a brick wall. Becomes very dysfunctional upon impact. Maybe the silver-lining is that it was a wall, and not the rear of a soccer-mom’s van headed homewards with the team.
