Hi
I cheated on my partner. I used a online random chat site.
I did not sext, or engage in actual sexual activity. But I talked to people online, and at times they would flirt to me, I don't really recall flirting back, at least not directly, but I would essentially not set up a soft enough boundary. Even if I had said I had gf some may continue and I allowed these chats to linger. I was gaining satisfaction from these kinds of interactions, so I kept doing it. I rationalised to myself "it's not cheating if I didn't engage in sexual activity". But it is cheating.
I am also addicted to porn, and addicted to validation from strangers online.
I wrote a disclosure letter which specifically stated:
I used online anonymous chats to gain validation and attention from others.
I also used a language exchange app, for its intended purpose, but people would flirt with me and I would allow it. I did state that I did not engage in sexting, any sexual back and fourth, despite some conversations getting near it. I stated this.
My partner asked "what do you have in common with strangers" and I was like, well, I would chat to them about any topic, where we're from, politics, hobbies, and most of the time I would be kind to those strangers and be interested. I think this is most likely what causes them to have a impulse to flirt. Whenever a sexual advance were to happen I would just say "hey I'm just here to make friends" and either move the conversation or cancel it/disconnect.
I also paid for porn, and streaming sites, but I didn't interact with the sellers or pay for customs.
I occasionally had people on snapchat, telegram, whatsapp, but did not sext but I guess have conversations without disclosing it.
I admitted all of this ALL of the above I have admitted. Since I was keeping it secret a lot of conversations I have since deleted.
Here's the thing, I have real obsessive thoughts. I admitted all of this expecting her to break up with me. It's what I deserve. But she gave me the gift of forgiveness, on condition I stop this. I said I will, I am seeking therapy for my sex and porn addiction, attending SAA. Setting blocks, and allowing my partner to access my phone.
But in my head, the confession still doesn't feel like enough. I keep feeling like I am lying. I know the above is true, I know it. But I keep thoughts like
"What if I coerced people into flirting with me"
"Should I say that although I didn't sext, I felt sexually satisfied from validation privately?"
"Was this one thing I said in one particular chat not what I disclosed?"
But it's all quite hazy. I described the pattern of behaviour, and what I was getting out of all of this, but I guess, I don't know my true intention. Was it sexual? validation? wanting company when I am alone? I feel like if I keep bringing this up I am just damaging our relationship when my partner just wants me to stop and we move on. Obviously if she asks a question I will answer in full truth.
But I keep ruminating, I did further talk about it and it was hurtful, but once relieved, the obsessive thoughts come back. As if I need constant release from my guilt.
Anyone else can relate?
