SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,

I found out 6 weeks ago that my (34f) depressed boyfriend (32m) of 6 years cheated on me with a woman for a few weeks. He became depressed 18 months ago when his mum passed away from cancer, ever since I've tried to be supportive, I've made sure he's eaten, been there day and night, never made him feel pressured to be affectionate or anything like that because I understand how grief can impact you wanting to feel close to someone again and that it would take time. After she passed I made sure he ate, made sure bills were taken care of, did everything to take the pressure off him.

He spent a few months staying at a friends and a few months at his dads house, not staying at our family home or let me see my stepchild. When it was a key date I would always donate to the hospice she passed away at, I got his child a large blanket with them and my partners mum on holding hands, I would be there when he was rocking beside her ashes and simple hold him as he broke down, multiple times. I never said a bad word or put my needs in front of his for this. I was just there for support, whenever he was ready.

I can replay everything about the day he came clean about what he had done. I don't know all of the details, I said to him I didn't even want to know who she is (I know I would look online and compare myself). Whenever we try and speak about it, he says very little, I don't know if he's ashamed of it or because he was in the midst of being suicidal (depression hit him harder when the affair happened). I'm waiting on the way this woman messages me to tell me what happened but I'm not interested if so. It happened and no answer will make me feel better but any extra detail will cause me to overthink further. I think about what they did, how it happened, how often he saw her. This woman had a partner too, so I don't know if her thought process was to leave her partner for him but I'll never know.

I'm atill absolutely numb 6 weeks later. I don't know why, why would he have done it, it's not really important as he's done it I get that but he doesn't know why, I'm absolutely lost. He said if his mum hadn't have passed this wouldn't be happening. I don't know how to process it. I feel completely numb. He only told me because he was worried that someone else would tell me before he did.

I feel like I should be over it, or at least further on, I find myself crying randomly over couple videos, I turn off the radio if a love song comes on. I don't feel angry, I feel absolutely nothing right now. He's constantly messaging me and cannot pinpoint why he did it. I know he's depressed and I've researched how depression can make you try and escape but he still did it, the man I thought would never hurt me and who I thought loved me more than anything.

I don't know how to get past it, or if I even can. I feel like even if we officially broke up I would want to be alone forever. Sounds dramatic I know.

Can anyone relate?

[This message edited by Sophielou at 2:33 AM, Wednesday, July 30th]

I'm sorry this happened to you. Please don't feel you should "be over it by now" - it's only been 6 weeks! And that is a very, very short time in a situation that rocks you like this. It's often said here that it takes 2 - 5 YEARS to recover! That's how traumatizing this is, so please don't minimalize it. You have every right to feel nothing or everything and to be all over the place as you try to process this and learn to walk beside it.

Others will be along with better advice.

Thank you for your response. I really appreciate it.

FWIW, I've seen this a few times on here, where men seem to have affairs when their mothers pass. Not making an excuse for them, by any means! It does seem to be a precursor. In my case, my h started screwing prostitutes as his mother sank into dementia.

How they think this helps or comforts them, I have no idea.

It is possible he was using the affair as a way to escape reality. Those minutes where he was someone else.

Not excusing it - just trying to understand it.

And he won’t be the first cheater who has a problem and thinks an affair is the answer.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:08 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

Sophie,

"Can anyone relate?"

Pretty much everyone on this site can relate.

One thing I want to bring up.

Men and women really are different when it comes to adultery.

I don’t know if it’s in our dna, or if it’s societal training. Doesn’t matter. We’re different.

When confronted with a partner’s infidelity, men often imagine it’s about sex, and women often imagine it’s about feelings. And sometimes that’s correct.

But, if you read enough about this, you will find that many cheating men report that they remain completely in love with their wives. Whatever’s motivating them to cheat, it’s not that they don’t love their wives.

I think it’s hard for a betrayed wife to get her head around this. "He wouldn’t have done this if he loved me."

And that’s where you are.

Does your husband remain in love with you? I certainly don’t know, and you don’t know, and he may not even know, just now.

But don’t give up on it, just yet.

Best wishes.

[This message edited by Formerpeopleperson at 12:13 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

Sorry for the late post – well, technically this morning. I couldn’t sleep because it was all going round in my head. I’m not used to opening up somewhere like this, where people genuinely seem to understand. I posted about it on another forum and was just told to leave him, without much thought or support.

Since his mum passed away nearly two years ago, he hasn’t seemed to know how he feels about anything – including us. When I asked him directly if he was in love with me, he said he didn’t know. We aren't married, we own a home together and looked after his stepdaughter. Although I no longer see her as he doesn't come to our home.

And you’re right – if he truly loved and wanted me, why would he have done it? He had so many moments where he could have stopped. When he was arranging to meet her. Getting ready. On the way there. My head keeps circling back to that.

When he eventually told me, he completely broke down – shaking, crying, having a full panic attack. He even looked like he was going to be sick. Then for days after, he was begging me to talk to him, begging me not to block him.

Part of me just keeps thinking: if you were that devastated, if you care that much… then why do it in the first place? I can’t make sense of it, and I don’t know if I ever will

I can’t make sense of it, and I don’t know if I ever will

No, you won't be able to make sense of it because it's like trying to apply logic to an illogical situation.

Welcome to SI and sorry you've had a reason to look for us. There are some posts pinned to the top of the forum that are really good resources. There are some other (unpinned) posts that you can find by looking for the bull's eye icon that are also very helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a ton of resources.

A life-altering event such as the death of a parent, loss of a child or loss of a job can make some people more vulnerable to an A (affair), it still doesn't excuse the A. There were a whole bunch of other things he could have done, but he decided to lie, cheat and betray. You can't fix your problems with other people's genitals.

If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression or anxiety, please see your doctor about some meds. They can help you through this first rough part. Please get tested for STDs/STIs because there are some nasty diseases out there that can turn into cancer and kill you.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be helpful. Infidelity is trauma and the numbness and inability to sleep are symptoms of this.

Your WBF (wayward boyfriend) needs IC as well to work on becoming a safe partner. He should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Even though it's about married couples, it would apply in a scenario with a long-term, monogamous relationship. Another good read is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. He says he doesn't know why he did it, so he should work on changing the behavior that led to his A. Think about all of the deliberate, conscious choices he made to do this. It wasn't a mistake, it was a choice.

Because the AP (affair partner) is in a relationship, you should find out who the OBS (other betrayed spouse) is and inform them. This isn't as a punishment, but gives the OBS back their agency to make informed decisions about their life choices with the truth.

I've been diagnosed with major depression, anxiety, and PTSD, and in 27 years of marriage I've never cheated on my wife. Tho a lot of good that did me since she didn't return the favor. That said, it's been 3½ months for me since d day and I'm not "over it" by a longshot, tho things are calming down and I'm not being triggered quite as easily. Those triggers still happen tho. 6 weeks isn't even in the rear view yet, so it's really pretty fresh for you still. Don't beat yourself up for not getting over it by now. This type of trauma can take years to recover from.

But yes, I can relate. What you're experiencing are normal emotions and feelings. These types of betrayals are no small thing to deal with. I've seen so many posts and read so many stories now. I've seen more than one person explain that being betrayed like this by a significant other was more painful and harder to deal with than the loss of a parent.

Based on my own experience and on my reading, 'numb' is probably what an adult BS normally feels at 6 weeks out. That's not enough time to accept the fact that you've been betrayed. For many of us, it's not enough time even to know if we want to repair or end the relationship. Many BSes are still in shock 6 weeks out.

Wanting to be alone forever smacks of being in shock, as does not realizing that you can get past this. You KNOW that people recover from being betrayed. You may split. You may rebuild with him. But you WILL get through this. You have to ride the awful roller coaster for longer than you want to, but you know the odds for recovering are in your favor. Shock hides your knowledge from you. Your balance has been destroyed, but it will come back.

You seem to be saying that your WSo (wayward sugnificant other) wants to R(econcile). Do you know what you want?

Have you read the chapters on recovery in Shirley Glass's NOT "Just Friends"? If you're uncertain, Glass might help. A good IC can help, too, but Glass is cheaper and probably more accessible, unless you're already connected to a good IC.

** member to member **

But, if you read enough about this, you will find that many cheating men report that they remain completely in love with their wives. Whatever’s motivating them to cheat, it’s not that they don’t love their wives.

I guess there may be differences between men's and women's handling of infidelity, but I don't think this is one of them. My W claimed she always loved me, all during her A.

That didn't mean a lot to me. In fact, it meant nothing. I chose R because I wanted R and because W started changing from betrayer to good partner on d-day (and I thought she'd stay the course).

My reco is first to figure out what you want. If you want to R, then figure out your requirements for R and how good a candidate for R your WSo is. If you want to split, my hope is that you do so for positive reasons, not because of fear.

R is about the future, not the past. Evidence that love will be rebuilt is a potential reason for choosing R. Cheating is supremely unloving, but the A could have come from something analogous to a psychotic break. Long ago, a WS here explained how they loved their partner even while cheating. The explanation was persuasive, but I was not in a place where I could take it in and remember it. As I say, W's protestation of love wasn't persuasive until she showed love consistently for years.

Cheating when one's parents die may be a one-off that won't ever be repeated, but I'd want a partner of mine to check themselves out with a good IC to see if there isn't a deeper reason for making the choice to cheat. The loss of W's and my parents brought us closer together, for example; neither of us thought of cheating because of our loss.

*****

Above all, have faith in yourself to heal. It'll take a lot longer than you think it should, but you can survive and thrive. You can lead a good life again.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:18 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

I've seen more than one person explain that being betrayed like this by a significant other was more painful and harder to deal with than the loss of a parent.

My mom passed away from cancer and couple of months before my wife chose to cheat. I strongly believe the two are connected.

But I can say that for me the betrayal was MUCH MUCH more painful than my mother's death.

I told my wife early on that her betrayal was more painful than ALL of the painful experiences I've had in my life combined. I still stand by that. Maybe for some it's not that painful, but it was for me.

Sophielou, so sorry you're struggling. You seem like a kind, empathetic person who doesn't deserve this unfair situation Your numb feelings are 100% rational and normal. You're in shock, and in the midst of trauma. IMO it's likely you've been in trauma, dealing with shock for months now - ever since he left. Having a partner leave, being betrayed with Infidelity are trauma, make no mistake. In your posts there's a lot of focus on him, his feelings, his needs. Please don't neglect taking care of yourself! Individual counseling could be helpful for you to sort through your options, to confront fears and to help visualize a better future. Time to turn your focus away from him and onto you for a change. Please keep posting. Along with IC, this community could be a great outlet. Folks may not always say what you hope to hear, but most comments do come from a place of caring.

As a few have mentioned, depression doesn't necessarily lead to infidelity. Plenty of depressed people don't betray their partners. His mom's death may have been a catalyst for his poor choices, but the root cause is likely his character, not his depression. With this in mind, wondering about a few particulars. A fuller picture of your situation could help us better support you. You came here mostly wondering if your feelings are normal, and then expressed how SI support prompted some (useful?) self-reflection. We're here to help if that's what you need. Hope this inquiry feels supportive and not directive or nosey....

You co-own a house - who pays the mortgage? Any discussions on how to handle this community property since he left? Any other community property? You mention making sure "bills were taken care of." Does this mean you financially supported him?

Since there's a step-child, wondering about his previous relationship and current interaction (if any) with the child's mother, or any long term serious relationship he was in before his relationship with you. How did those relationships end?

You've been apart for almost two years......sounds like an on again off again relationship, but no official break - get the impression he left you and keeps his stepchild away from you (why?), correct? What does the relationship look like since he left? For example, he's messaging you non-stop now, but what about before the confession forced by OW's threat to spill the tea?

HIs mom passed almost two years ago....... yes it's true people cope with grief in different ways, and process it on different timelines.Some people never truly recover from the loss of a partner or parent. Yet, (IMO) it feels like you've been waiting in limbo for him to either make a decision to officially break up, or to return to the relationship whilst you patiently wait - "there for support, whenever he was ready." Feels like his grief is your (his?) explanation (excuse?) for his decision to NOT make a decision. Has he participated in IC or sought support from other family/friends to help with his grief or depression, or are you his main emotional outlet?

What would you say is stopping you from pro-actively making decisions on your own behalf? Two years is a long time to wait in limbo, to put his needs before yours. Gently, him "not knowing what he wants" and not knowing if he loves you are a choice - because not choosing is making a choice. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. You deserve better than to wait on a shelf, to be taken down only when it suits him, or when he wants your emotional support. Ideally, long term monogamous/romantic relationships are where each partner seeks - and gives - mutual nurturance, support and respect. What about your emotional needs? Depression or not, It's okay to assert yourself- you have a right to feel safe in a relationship - respected and nurtured - to comfortably demand what you need and ask for what you want. Whether you decide to stay or decide to separate, hope your decision is based on what is best for YOU. To close ----- dear Sophielou, 2 years of selfless emotional support and patiently waiting in limbo for him to decide hasn't worked out very well. Perhaps a new focus on what YOU want will help make well reasoned decisions about what comes next.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 3:09 AM, Thursday, July 31st]

I told my wife early on that her betrayal was more painful than ALL of the painful experiences I've had in my life combined. I still stand by that. Maybe for some it's not that painful, but it was for me.

I said pretty much the same thing. It's easily the most painful thing I've endured in 55 years. The thing is, you just don't comprehend that until it happens. I always thought that if there was a chance for Infidelity in our relationship it would be me before her, that she'd probably be pretty upset, but it'd likely blow over before long.

Boy, was that a naive and ignorant line of thought...

[This message edited by Pogre at 9:40 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]