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This past week while my wife and I were having a mild run of the mill argument she said a phrase which triggered me. It was one she used a lot when she was trying to gaslight me and convince everyone around us I was crazy and paranoid her "friendship" was an affair. Anyways, when she said it a switch flipped and I lost my shit. I felt physically and emotionally like I did after finding out they were communicating again. Classic PTSD response. I pulled it back together but it took me about 6 hours to really come down from it.

Thing is, my teen saw me burst into a rage. Not something I want. The next day I explained to my wife the response. She seemed to understand, but then later made a critical comment about me causing a scene the day before.

My fist thought was "if the kids knew what you put me through they wouldn’t see me as the jerk and you as the victim". At least they would have context for my outburst. But, you can’t really tell kids their mom was a cheating liar. Then I thought to myself, I didn’t decide for her to have an affair. I wasn’t in on it, but I get to keep it a secret. And keep it a secret where it acts against me. It almost makes me feel like I’m in on it, helping her and him hide their affair. Has anyone else thought that before? I’m sure someone has. Obviously I’m not going to tell the kids. There’s only downside for them, and I don’t need the upside to me. Just wanted to share and see what others have felt.

[This message edited by Legatus at 3:50 AM, Tuesday, November 11th]

A few months after my exww and I separated, she told our 10yo son what she'd done. I was surprised to hear that she'd confessed it and relieved at the same time.

My son and I have talked about it a few times. I've never tried to demonize her to him. I want him to have a good relationship with her. I have, however, tried to explain to him how painful infidelity can be in the hopes that he will never do anything like it and never accept it in his life.

You can choose to hide it - or you can choose to teach them.

Legatus,

Boy, do I know what you are going through. I’m sure I am not alone, that there are plenty of us who struggled deeply with the secrecy of the affair making us, the betrayed appear to be the cause of the family disruption. I did write about this a week or so ago titled "I became a liar". You are in a terrible position, and I fall on the side of there is no right or wrong decision as to telling the kids. I chose not to and have never regrated that decision.

In my thinking, and you may get sincere, different points of view on this, but it to would be best coming from your wife than from you. It makes it easier for it to be a teachable moment. If you decide to tell them, I’d caution you to closely inspect your motives. Make sure your disclosure isn’t out of revenge (Unless that is what you want.) for that would be a different type of a teaching moment.

Astrisk

My kids know in an age appropriate way that their mother lied to me in a way that nearly ended in divorce.

I'm sure they have their opinions on that, but if I can forgive her and she can earn my trust back, that should be good enough for them too.

Hi Legatus

I read your original thread and always wondered what swayed you to reconcilation. I hope you are doing well generally since then and have been happy with your choice.

I'm not well placed to comment on children, I don't have my own and it's still to be decided if that will change anytime soon. I will say I was fully aware of my Father's cheating from the age of 10. I personally think if anything it did strengthen my morals.

That being said the older I got, the more I resented my father and ultimately decided to cut him out my life. I don't think he was ever Dad material. By all accounts was very generous money wise, so I guess that helped me having my main male role model growing up Basil Faulty.

I just think on the whole, you should be as honest with your kids as possible. They'll know something is and has been up. Kids always know.

How old are your kids? I think you are too lightly setting aside the idea that they should know. They clearly know something is off in the house. They likely have a mixture of blaming themselves (as kids do) and you (as you are the one acting strangely). I see no benefits to that to anyone other than your WW.