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Hi all,

Need to pose a quick question....

BS and I have a mutual friend, one whom I have suspected for a long time has had a thing for her based on something that was said a number of years ago.

Anyway I've always felt a little uncomfortable with their friendship. Nothing has ever happened and BS has never expressed any interest in him in that wya. During the A she reached out to him for support as it was the only support she had (well at the time he was trying to act as an intermediatory - but obviously I was lying to him too). He admittedly never made any move on her or implication that he was interested in her. He was supportive and tried to help her along the way, but as he lives 3hrs away, this was all over the phone.

They haven't spoken for over two and half years, as BS says she has felt embarrassed. Now out of the blue BS reached out to him, because she feels overwhelmed.

We are really not in a good place right now but she has just informed me that he has suggested/joked that she comes visit him when he comes down on holiday (he is staying approx two hours away).

I've explained I don't feel comfortable with this, especially given his comments and especially given how extremely fragile our relationship is. She has asked whether I feel comfortable with them even meeting for a catch up during the day, half way. But I'm just not. However I am met with, essentially "your just projecting....."

My stance is that she is an adult if she wants to go then go but I'm not happy about it.

Even a day trip I'm not overly comfortable with but again her choice.

This will just be the two of them (and his dog) in his accommodation he is booking/has booked 👌oh and he is single.

I wouldn't stop her going if that's what she is wanting to do, but she will be going knowing I'm not comfortable.

So am I being unreasonable?

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 7:41 PM, Saturday, February 28th]

Oh and obviously nothing untoward has ever happened....hence why I'm just not overly comfortable

No, you are not being unreasonable.

He has a thing for her, at least you suspect.

While your betrayal was active this man helped to be a mediator (nothing happened I understand, he tried to reconcile both you and her), so it does not scream "affair".

But, he is a man who allegedly "has a thing" for your wife (aka likely sexual attraction). You are not in a good place right now. I do not know your wife, so I can't tell you if she has the hallmarks of a potential cheater or not.

But you feel in your gut that if this guy ever has the chance he would gladly sleep with your wife, correct?

My 2 cents: friendship between man and woman can exist but is conditional. He is attracted to her. We don't know if your wife reciprocates or has reciprocated at some point in time. You are passing through a moment of crisis. She is investing emotional energy outside the relationship into this guy to find comfort.

Those are ALL red flags. So no, you are not being unreasonable.

All depends if your wife is the kind of person who could cheat (low self worth, people pleasing, unresolved ego validation issues), if so then the risk is substantial (she could even do for 'revenge' and discover later that was bad (worse than now, she will not even anything, just mud herself), but you will feel worse, when you will taste the sting of being the BS yourself, trust me).

You should talk to her, not just about your fears (possibly grounded), but about the fact that's not going to help your R:

- The WS heals the WS
- The BS heals the BS

No one else can fill that gap.

If you were right now in the affair, cheating lying and gaslighting her, then it's understandable she needs a shoulder to cry.
Right now I think this is your pain, between the 2 of you, and in that environment should stay.

When I was left by my Wayward Girlfriend when she chose her AP, for a brief period I went down the road of having an harem of girls, just to try to get out that pain. Did not work, but the state I was in, I know where could drive you. But I am a guy, she is a girl, so take this with a pinch of salt.

While part of my BS brain says you are projecting...the other part says you aren't wrong.

At the end of the day - BS or WS - if you don't want someone else doing it - you shouldn't be doing it either.

I'm 99.99+% certain she wouldn't want you to drive over 2 hours to spend the day w/a single female friend. And thus, she shouldn't be doing it with a single male friend either.

While part of my BS brain says you are projecting...the other part says you aren't wrong.

At the end of the day - BS or WS - if you don't want someone else doing it - you shouldn't be doing it either.

I'm 99.99+% certain she wouldn't want you to drive over 2 hours to spend the day w/a single female friend. And thus, she shouldn't be doing it with a single male friend either.

Pretty much.

You are not cheating now, you look like you are trying to R.

So there is no fix outside the M for this, you need to address inside the couple.

Role reversal she'd hate it because you cheated.

Like Chaos said, if you would not want your partner to do it, then do not do it, even if you have zero intentions of cheating, there is something off and keeping those boundaries intact goes both ways.

Revenge here is not out of the menu, and will just destroy you both more (Even if you may understand the extent of pain she was put in if she "revenges cheat", is not worthy, she will lose a piece of herself forever, and you will just damage both more).

If she wants to invest emotional energy into this guy, then she should break up with you and divorce you first.

Maybe they will find reciprocal love and she will heal? Possible, if she leaves you without cheating on you.

Otherwise she can meet him WITH you like in the past. Not driving 2 hours to his accommodation (hotel room?)

So if her intentions are not betrayal or revenge, there is no point in doing this 'to hurt you' or 'to soothe herself'

Talk to her, open to her.

She decided to stay so she should stay. Should not go to him. Should resolve with you.

And this is coming from a betrayed partner, so you have 2 out of 2. Trust the gut, if something is off then it likely it is.

p.S>

You have a "cheater sensibility" that allowed you to identify an affair partner to cheat with. Isn't it possible you read this very same kind of vibe about this "single male friend who seems into your wife"?
Because perhaps your wife is not the type, but this guy could be having his own aims over her, and she is fragile right now.

Because maybe your intuition is right and your wife in this moment is both traumatized by the betrayal, in doubt about your relationship, and knowing "there is this guy who likes me.... perhaps a bit more than as a friend".

Red flags, according to what you said, these are all red flag that would make me leave my Wayward partner immediately.

She is not a WS right now, but vulnerable and alone for a day with a male in a hotel room.

I don't know, I would keep boundaries now, not later.

Good luck

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 11:43 PM, Saturday, February 28th]

I think you're being unreasonable and projecting. She's reaching out to a trusted friend in need of support. I believe men and women can be friends with safe boundaries in place. Your fears are your issues, not hers.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:49 PM, Saturday, February 28th]

Going to meet a man she has some sort of emotional connection with?

Not good.

Best wishes.

I don't know your wife or the common friend, so I have no idea whether there is an ill intent. The one thing I would ask is...does your wife have any friends / family that she feels she can confide in? I ask this, because my BH really had no one that he felt comfortable speaking to after my affair. He certainly did not feel safe with me. He did not want to approach friends of family, because he felt shame. Have you reached out to this person? You said he is someone you know as well. Everyone needs strength from someone else when their own strength has been drained by the cruelty of an affair. Some get it from counselors....frankly many counselors fall short.

I don't know your wife or the common friend, so I have no idea whether there is an ill intent. The one thing I would ask is...does your wife have any friends / family that she feels she can confide in? I ask this, because my BH really had no one that he felt comfortable speaking to after my affair. He certainly did not feel safe with me. He did not want to approach friends of family, because he felt shame. Have you reached out to this person? You said he is someone you know as well. Everyone needs strength from someone else when their own strength has been drained by the cruelty of an affair. Some get it from counselors....frankly many counselors fall short.

Amy I was in the same situation of your BS when I was betrayed and she left me for her Affair Partner. I was devastated and I did not feel like telling anyone whether family or friends.
Some "knew" but it was "taboo" topic, since I did not speak, nobody brought it up.

But there is the need to share with someone. So I shared with girls. It's an intimate topic, and guess what happens? Other kind of intimacy.

That's why I am seeing red flags.

My reco is: don't dance around this; address it head on. Decide whether you want your W to visit, to not visit, or really don't care. If you want her not to visit, ask her to stay home.

I think it's a mistake to dodge this issue - and the only people who can resolve it are you and your W.