SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My full story was posted JFO, but I'd like to get some feedback from the Waywards out there also.
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/667279/startup-woes/

Long story short is that, in June, I discovered that my WW was having an EA & PA with her biotech startup cofounder. She's unwilling to leave the company that she's started, and objectively, I get it: she's put a MASSIVE amount of work into this project (yes, at the expense of her family) and they're just starting to get big money investors. She's built herself quite a professional reputation & network, and her work has become an integral part of her identity. All that's to say that she won't go NC with AP. And that's despite me showing her the pain that their continued contact inflicts on me.

So I've been reeling for months. Since D-day they've had very limited physical contact, as AP lives in a different city, but obviously they have to communicate regularly. Through months of vigilance I've seen WW soothing AP and seeking her own emotional comfort. All the while "trying" to do some version of reconciliation with me. And honestly, we've had some relatively good times. Well, about 10 days ago I caught her again messaging AP about the family trip we just took and revealing that she couldn't stop thinking about him. In fact, she walked in the room as I read the message, and I told her in that moment that I wanted a divorce.

Nothing happened for a bit while I withdrew emotionally (part gray rock/part 180) and last night, I finally have it all sorted out. I've got an attorney lined up and I tell WW it's time to start working out the details of the settlement. Well, somehow I think I took her by surprise. Like this hadn't been the path we'd been on for months now. She admitted that she doesn't want a divorce and hasn't consulted her own legal counsel (I fully believe her; she's very high achieving but don't think she's really mentally engaged with her actions or their potential consequences).

She was weepy, and me, seeing my partner of 18 years in an emotional crises, felt the need to console her. Which led to us {sigh} having sex...

Now here we are today, and she sat me down to ask that I reconsider my pursuit of divorce. That she will do better about maintaining a strictly professional relationship with AP. That she doesn't want to lose me. That there must be a way to get through this where she can keep the job that she loves.

So, I know that, objectively, staying together is a terrible idea. At some point they will have to resume travel together. Meet investors together. Celebrate victories together. Work through intensely stressful periods together. And I'll have to suffer through my wife spending significant energy building something together with her AP.

My therapist says I often minimize what's happened/happening. And I'm probably doing it again now. But damn it, I find so much comfort with my wife and I still fantasize about an amazing NEW relationship with her. Something way better than what we had before. There's a teensy part of me that thinks, maybe I should risk it?

Please folks, especially waywards, hit me with some hard truths.

You are indeed minimising this. It's a horrendous betrayal.

What I'd recommend is sticking to your line; it's her career or her husband. If she values her career more than you, do you don't want her as a partner anyway?

The minimum you deserve from a partner is someone who will put her family above all others. If she is unwilling to do that, you can do better than her. If you don't see that now, I promise you will in time.

I'm sorry this is blunt but I see no way around it. Hold the line. Reaffirm your position and leave the choice to her. State if she's unwilling to leave the job, you can look into a divorce.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 8:12 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

Not too blunt at all. Thanks, Doc!

I would also recommend sharing the responses you receive here with her.

Perhaps reading several people's objectives takes on this will snap her out of belligerence.

I don't know if belligerence is the right word, but more like steadfastness.

In any case, every time I tell the story to a friend, confidant, therapist, etc., I realize just how obvious the decision should be. I know I need to walk away, but these pesky emotions get in the way.

Thanks to all of you for being here. Truly the best club I never wanted to be a part of.

I would also struggle to deal with this situation. Could you trust your wife to maintain a purely professional relationship while at work and away from you. She abused that trust before.
While she may completely be faithful and stick to her morals now that she has been exposed, there is no telling that the AP wont try to suck her back in.
Is there some form of alienation of affection law that you could hit him with or threaten him with?
That kind of leverage could make it more palatable. Also Post Nup contract or something that might penalize your wife if it happens again? I know hikingout had some kind of arrangement at one point with her husband. Perhaps your wife would give you a portion of her company which would give you some level of safety.

As a wayward, I have a simple question: regardless of what she is or isn’t doing right now, do you think you would regret not trying to reconcile?

This reminds me of my grandfather, on his deathbed. We were all gathered around him in his final moments. I asked him if he had any regrets. He said, "Oh, my boy, that’s easy. I just wish I had taken on a few more major projects at work. If I could do it all over again, I’d prioritize my career a little more over my family."

Oh no wait, he said the opposite.

My wife would have made parter at one of the most prestigious law firms in the world. When she resigned to be a full-time mom, they begged her to stay. People make professional sacrifices for the sake of their families every day.

Forums like these are littered with stories of affairs at work that resumed because no contact was not maintained.

What’s her plan for keeping you from having a nervous breakdown the next time they go on a road-show together?

I, uh...

Completely agree with DRSOOLERS. You literally just caught her texting her AP how much she misses him. She's trying to be a cake eater. As long as she's in contact with her AP the affair still continues. Maybe not in the physical or literal sense at the moment, but it's one spark away from it, and as long as she's still in his proximity the emotional investment will continue.

You have to imagine how this is going to affect you long term. Her continued contact with him. Every text, every call, every victory and defeat they share. It's just going to continue to eat and eat at you. You'll be constantly wondering what all is being talked about every frigging time. What is being said under the surface?

Well, I shouldn't really speak for you so I apologize for presuming to tell you how you would feel, but it's certainly how it would affect me.

*ETA: I put up with a very similar situation for about a month, so I'm not speaking from the outside looking in. I lived it. My wife's AP was a co worker and she tried to maintain a "just friends" relationship.

When I called divorce lawyers and started setting up consultations things took a drastic turn, but her situation is not the same as your wife's. My wife was able to put in for a transfer to get away from him, but she'd been at the same location for over 20 years and was very happy there. She did put that transfer in tho, and blocked AP on everything. The relief I felt was unbelievable, but I was fully resigned to divorce and she knew it.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:54 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

Pogre, it’s probably even worse than that. Every time she talks about her job, I’m going to be triggered. No more small talk with the parents at school. Walking on eggshells everywhere we go.

NotMyIdentity, I feel like I spent the last 3 months trying to reconcile. Not sure she did though…

It feels like to me you know what to do here. You know what you need from her to start healing. What you are asking from her to move forward is not an unreasonable ask.

Most waywards accept it's the bare minimum. She's unwilling to do the bare minimum.

@Pogre

Haha thanks, I guess a stopped clock and all that.

I recognize you’ve been attempting since discovery. I wasn’t really asking about the last three months, though. I meant, after this new development and where you are now—if you walked away while you’re still having doubts, do you think you’d regret not trying?

[This message edited by NotMyIdentity at 8:59 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

At the risk of being a bit morbid, an old co-worker of mine once chased me out of the office while I was needlessly working late. He said something like, if you walk through nearly any cemetery, none of the headstones say "Business Developer" or "Section Director." They all say something about their familial role. Mother, Grandfather, Son, Daughter, etc. Her job will not matter on her deathbed.
ETA: I just went back and read LetMeBeFrank's comment. We both had the same impression of your wife's F-up priorities. So, its probably something to really consider.

She is almost engaging in a sunk cost fallacy. That since she has spent so much time on this career, she has to keep going or it will be for nothing. Sacrificing her family and her, dare I say it, soul for her career may seem like a good idea now. But it won't for long.

If she's that talented and driven, there will be other opportunities.

Bluntly, She is f-ing this up royally. She chose this path. She chose to sacrifice her family for her career, she chose to sleep with her co-founder and completely poison the well. And now she's asking you to underwrite it. You have proof that she has no boundaries with this worthless POS. You ignoring her poor choices only means you will suffer much more than you need to.

But damn it, I find so much comfort with my wife and I still fantasize about an amazing NEW relationship with her.

What you may get won't be new. You can't have a new relationship with someone with no empathy for what she did to the old one.

Sorry, man, but please don't rugsweep. Hold your ground. If she chooses her career ultimately, then you never likely really had a chance.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:04 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

I am/was a ws. Affair was nine years ago. Successful reconciliation. I was too short on time to read the other responses but here is mine:

At this point I think she has to choose the job or the marriage. Those are the natural consequences of her actions. Traveling with the ap that she still has feelings for is not conducive to reconciliation. Nor is remaining in contact with him in anyway.

The only option for staying would include no traveling with him or communicating with other him and that doesn’t sound possible.

Sorry, I am firmly a believer in NC. It’s completely inappropriate she has continued to have non-essential conversations with him.

Sorry - edited to add because I just started reading the other responses. Do not show her the responses here. They will weigh nothing to her. I would keep this place away from her so you can receive support without her knowing where she can read what you are writing. Right now it may not be important but there may be things you want to discuss outside of her knowledge.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:01 PM, Thursday, September 10th]

As a wayward, I have a simple question: regardless of what she is or isn’t doing right now, do you think you would regret not trying to reconcile?

I think unless or until no contact is established and there is more effort from the other side that this is a moot question. He's been trying for 3 months and she knows what he requires for reconciliation.

Pogre,

I don't think it's a moot question. I recognize he’s been attempting since discovery, and that she hasn't met what he requires for reconciliation. But even if reconciliation ultimately isn't possible with her, perhaps he needs to continue the attempt for his own sake—to settle his mind, find some closure, and know that he walked away after exhausting that possibility rather than wondering what might have happened.

But if his gut instinct is "no" after reading this, he might have his answer.

I recognize he’s been attempting since discovery, and that she hasn't met what he requires for reconciliation

But that makes it moot, doesn’t it NMI? He can’t reconcile by himself…

Letmebefrank,

I agree he can't reconcile by himself. I'm not suggesting he should keep pursuing reconciliation indefinitely or try to make it happen without her participation.

I'm talking more about whether he is finished trying. And let's be real, three months is a relatively short period of time to be making such a big decision, especially when he still has doubts. Maybe he needs to make another attempt for his own peace of mind, whether it ultimately succeeds or not. Or maybe he already knows, based on everything that's happened, that he can put the question to rest and walk away without wondering what might have happened.

I don't know which it is for him—that's really what I'm asking him to consider.

I guess that’s kind of my question too. Is three months enough time? I feel like I’m through the acute crisis phase, and she’s been crystal clear that she’s not leaving the company, so NC isn’t on the table.

I said above that I’d been trying to reconcile for three months, but probably better to say that I was open to R. We just could never make it past the first step, assuming that NC is table stakes.

Well strictly only you can awnser that but for me 3 months of someone not engaging with the bare minimum is enough to know her stance on where you stand in relation to her priority list.

Bit of an aside, since you two didn't really get going; Did you delve into how this cheating occurred? What led to it? Was it an affair with multiple physical encounters? Did she give you a time line?

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:55 PM, Thursday, September 10th]