SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Before DDay, another friend was with a cheater. She wasn't ready to deal with her cheater. She made the comment something like, "I don't want to know, because I am not yet in a situation to deal with his cheating."
And, of course, me being me was outraged on her behalf because I loved her like a sister. I also couldn't understand how she could stay with someone who was so obviously having an affair.
Then, my POS ex started exhibiting the same behavior. I was in shock and was delusional and thought we could work towards R until he broke NC and then I filed immediately.
I divorced and lost a lot financially. Yes, I was devastated and I gained peace right away. However, she eventually divorced with financial stability and I divorced and lost a LOT financially.
Would I do the same thing, probably if I didn't have experience. But if I could go back in time and KNOW how hard and long it would take me to crawl out of debt, and with healing, I'd do exactly like she did.
I can laugh now. We were both right for our specific situations. At the time, I hadn't detached and staying in that hot mess of a marriage was sucking my soul from my body. I NEEDED to get far far away. But she had years of detaching from her husband and didn't really care quite as much and could take the drama for the sake of her pocket and her kids financial gain.
So, no judgment for those that stay or those that leave right away.
Do you.
But if I ever go through that again, I'll have the coping skills to stick around and get my ducks in a row first. Like I said, I can laugh about it all today. One really does heal, it just takes time. 😉
I hope this helps and I hope it can bring peace to some struggling. Be kind to yourself. But still seek out legal advice and protect yourself.

I'm glad it's worked out for you in the long run, StillLivin. We're all surviving this mess in the best ways that we can. Some people have to stay a lot longer than they want to, some walk away with less than they deserved.

I consulted a lawyer but ended up doing the divorce through a third party mediator. It was a lot more peaceful that way, and I'm okay financially, but I do sometimes wonder what our split would've looked like if we'd both gotten lawyers involved. There's no such thing as an ideal divorce - it's always painful somewhere in the process. I think the best we can hope for is to minimize that pain.

I haven't collected the stats on this (if they even exist) but I can say with complete confidence that probably 90% of people who have discovered their partner is treating stay and try to reconcile, even if it's for a short period of time. The remaining 10% that leave immediately were probably already miserable and had one foot out the door.

I stayed for 4 years between Dday 1 and Dday 2. And if my ex had made some grand gesture of love after I moved out, I probably would've gone back to him and let him sink more years of my life before the next Dday.

I pass no judgement on people who choose to stay. But I will tell them what's going to work to get out of infidelity and what's going to keep them mired in it, whether they like it or not.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:19 PM, Tuesday, October 13th]

@ NoThanksForTheMemories, you nailed it, there is no such thing as an ideal divorce. We all just trudge around trying to do what seems like the best choice for our specific situation in the moment and with the facts that we have at the time.
@ Bluer than Blue, Well, actually, statistics say between 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce upon discovery of adultery. That's a lot of people awaiting a "valid" reason to divorce because the marriage was already miserable. I believe this may apply to some people, but the majority are just devastated and cannot imagine recovering from that much damage and betrayal. I know that was my case. Cheating was always a dealbreaker. For many, myself included, I did NOT want a divorce. I just also knew that I deserved better and felt he had taken the choice out of my hands after he cheated. I briefly (a month while I came out of my shock and couldn't do anything) considered reconciliation, but he broke NC in only a month and I snapped out of the shock and filed. I believe that even if he hadn't broke NC and had actually been a remorseful cheater, doing all of the right actions, I still would have eventually divorced him later. But I might have been strung along for a longer period of time with the same outcome of divorce.
I personally believe EVERYONE should initially divorce. If they want to reconcile later, they can always get back together, even remarry. But that's just my own opinion.

Maybe if we, as betrayeds, were smart from day one and prepared ourselves financially just in case, we would have been in a very different position.

That thought applies not just to D but to a number of situations in a marriage or relationship such as the unexpected death of your spouse or partner, sudden inability to work due to illness or injury, incarceration or even extended period of job loss.

It often takes a sudden "event" or situation to open our eyes to certain things.

While my H and I are happily reconciled, I hoard $ now due to the PTSD I have from him kicking me to the curb at a time when financially we were not doing well and barely making ends meet.

How many times do we need to hear the story that the cheater leaves the betrayed, took all the $ from the joint account and didn’t care about the spouse & kids. Happens far too often.