BS
DDay 2022.
EA of 3+ years by husband of 15+ years.

When remorse / effort feels lacking...

Hello everyone. This is my first post... so here's a bit of background first.

My husband and I are still together since his EA of 3+ years came out nearly 4 years ago. The level of deception & disrespect is what I find the hardest. There was such intent to deceive AND he simultaneously seems to have been unaware that he was having an EA. Because it wasn't physical, I think he didn't think it was an A. There was clearly inappropriate flirting and sexualised conversation and he told her he loved her and that he would always put her first - so to me it's pretty obvious. Messages were deleted. Innocent messages were created so that if I ever checked the phone that's what I would find. The other element that really stings is that he shared really private things about me, moaned about me (in ways he never talked to me about), talked about our sex life... my privacy was breached.

We've had some MC which has helped to some degree. He does take responsibility for the A and hasn't ever sought to blame me. He is trying to work on himself. He's certainly got his good points and I am reluctant to lose those. We are distant emotionally but pretty good at the ordinary every day.

However...

He is not an emotionally attuned person. He wasn't before and isn't now. He's pretty disconnected emotionally (having an EA seems ironic?). He now knows this and is trying to work on it. But there's a long way to go. To me, he has never shown that he is sorry... he has said it... but I don't feel it. He can be very insensitive e.g. Last year he forgot Dday even though he also forgot it the previous year and I let him know how painful that was for me. He just looks complacent... I'm finding it hard to see a 'man fighting for his marriage'.

I'm not sure i will ever get the response I want / need - the heartfelt apology, maybe a grand gesture (second honeymoon, repeat of marriage vows, new ring..) and some ongoing effort to invest time and energy unto the relationship. I've always felt I carry our lives... if I don't initiate, arrange, suggest... there is just nothing... and post affair I just feel unwilling to be the one doing all that. But that means there's.. nothing. Just endless evenings of staring at screens. punctuated by difficult conversations where I try again to explain how I feel and what I would like.

Does this resonate with anyone? Thank you, wisdom appreciated.

1 comment posted: Wednesday, January 14th, 2026