Friends

Somehow, I'm missing a search function here, or maybe I just haven't found it? I am sure this topic must have been discussed before but anyway:

What's bothering me is the issue of mutual friends. Since we were both already 50+ when we started our relationship, we each had our own friends. We had a large circle of mutual acquaintances, but no couples who were close to us both. That has changed over the years we've been together — I've invited people over, made new friends, connected people, so that a small community has formed around us.

In our current situation, I observe very different patterns: some of our mutual friends refuse to ever have contact with my WH again because they morally disapprove of his behavior so strongly — even if we were to reconcile. If I want to keep in touch with them, it will definitely be without him.

Others got back in touch with him very early on, but haven't spoken a single word to me since the whole incident for reasons only they now.

And then, fortunately, there are those who respect the ambivalence of the situation, i.e. any decision I may take, and who will openly approach him again.

But it makes me sad to know that, either way, very few friends will remain, especially since we both have very little family. At almost 60, I don't find it easy to start all over again when it comes to friendships. I'm angry with him because he ruined that too.

What experiences have you had and how did you deal with them?

0 comment posted: Wednesday, January 14th, 2026

Trapped in a thought loop

I have never really shared my story here, but I have benefited greatly from reading yours.

Seven months ago, I discovered that my husband had been having an affair for three years. We have both been in IC ever since. He has a long history of failed relationships — ours is his fourth marriage (my second; my first also ended due to infidelity). He has ended the affair and has no further contact with the OW. He is working very hard on his issues and doesn't take it easy on himself, which is the only reason I'm still here. We are both in our late 50s, and I feel that this is a bit of a turning point for him. He knows that he is now deciding how the rest of his life will unfold — whether it will be a repetition of the same old pattern or whether he will manage to commit to a deep, genuine relationship.

I still struggle every day with the consequences of this trauma; phases of confidence are followed by phases of great anxiety and mistrust. But what haunts me most is that his affair had been going on for about six months when he proposed to me. Instead of ending it then, everything continued — before, during, and after our wedding. The OW is also married, so from his point of view, our wedding created a kind of "equal footing." Both of them probably found it a relief that neither of them had any further demands on the other.

I am tormented by the thought that our marriage is based on a lie, that he lied at the altar. (He, on the other hand, says over and over again that his love was real and so was and still is his desire to grow old with me.) I no longer wear my ring and have tried to have the marriage annulled, but the deadline for that had already passed.

Although I would like to try to reconcile, as long as he seriously works on his issues and on the condition that I can also heal in this relationship, it torments me that he practically tricked me into marriage and also that I now bear his name. He rejects the possibility of getting a divorce and still working on our reconciliation.

Strictly rationally, my position is probably not understandable, since we are not separating and because it has financial implications. But it just feels so incredibly wrong.

Would love to hear your thoughts.

20 comments posted: Thursday, December 18th, 2025