Looking for a way forward, trying to grow as a person.

Wife returned. I am a bit devastated

Wife returned from about 10 days away from the family: She needed the time, she needed to gather her thoughts. Distance. First time away since the kids were born (so a decade in total)

Now she is back. It feels like the stage where we were at just got worse.

No kissing even, she told me she did not miss me (as a couple at least) and that she feels a bit empty and that love for her s deeply linked to trust (which of course it is) and that since I broke that, she doesn't know if she can rebuild it again. (last episode of infidelity from my part: an online cam thing, was about 5 months ago). She says she is willing to give couples therapy a try, mostly because we have kids.

The whole drive back from going to get her (I went with the kids) I could not hold back the tears, Luckily it was nighttime, and I was silently driving. But I am spent. I thought there was a small chance before, she was a bit more close physically before leaving, a bit more communicative. Now I feel this put us in a worse place.

I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.

6 comments posted: Saturday, November 8th, 2025

My story (short I promise) Looking for advice.

Hi,

New here, so, excuse me if I break any unwritten rules. I´ll try to keep it short. I´ll tell the events in chronology.

Married, in my forties, we have kids.

First time around, I was caught using an app (it was from another country, I was basically flirting online with a couple of women from another continent) I am not trying to justify myself, but my "rationale" is, I really wanted to feel desired and seen. It was a very low period in the relationship after the first child.

I got a second chance.

The second time. Wife was pregnant with second child, I was away for work for half a year, visitng every couple of weeks. I visited an escort. At the time of the act I felt almost sick to my stomach... I basically paid for seeing a lady in her underwear and got to the point of getting half undressed.

My wife was going over my phone, she found some very obvious messages. This time I thought I lost her for good. It was months away, cut off of all contact, one of my darkest periods, trying to make the new job work. We ended up reconciling and moving to a new place.

After 6 years here, living as a family, and a third child, over a year with no intimacy and very spotty moments for ourselves. One night I resorted to a video chat with a cam girl. Again... days later she found out. (again going over my phone, stupid me, but I guess truth finds a way). As a side note, we never had an issue with pornography or anything of the sort (she and I don't mind this)

I am not looking for sympathy. Trying to give a little context of the times this happened and how apart they were. This last time was a few months ago, this time it feels like the straw that broke the camel's back. She is taking time to reflect, needed some distance, she now took a small holiday (long overdue since its her first "alone time" since the kids were born) visiting family and friends abroad.

I am a bit desperate, definitely pushing were I should grant space, lots of insecurities bubbling up. Afraid of her deciding not to pursue reconciliation (although she has repeated her intention to do so) she wants to work things out for our kids, for the life we built...

I guess I don't have any questions now, just putting my story out there, in case someone resonates, has some advice.

I am doing therapy, working on myself, reading. Trying to take this the most proactive and conscientious way possible. I want to change this pattern that seems to have appeared in my life. If I get a positive outcome my wish is to never fall back and hurt her feelings and her trust again. I want a way forward in rebuilding trust...

10 comments posted: Wednesday, November 5th, 2025