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I am two years after d day to what I would say was EA and only managed to get WH to say he was seeing her and she was the catalyst for him thinking of leaving me after 33 years. Just wondering about false reconciliation as have not really had an explanation that makes sense and explains abusive behaviour whilst he was seeing her. In others experience is this just him wanting to bury the mistakes he made or a sign that no explanation means he is probably still seeing her? I have no evidence that he is. The abuse at one point became shoving me over so I am obviously concerned as one would expect a loving man to want to explain this sort of thing. He has explained everything in one sweeping comment, that was and I quote "I wasn’t happy". He has a hard time talking about feelings etc in general so not sure if its that or a red flag

No, it's not too much to expect. You have a right to expect that your WS is truly remorseful and will do the hard work to understand what is wrong with him that would allow him to betray and abuse you. That's crucial to making sure that it doesn't happen again. Is he in IC? Is he showing that he's remorseful through actions, not just words? The abusiveness is particularly concerning. Any decent person should want to understand that better than just "I wasn't happy."

That said, even when a WS puts in the work to better understand their behavior, the answers are never really satisfactory. They had to be fundamentally broken to treat a loved one in that way and there's no explanation that will erase the hurtfulness and injustice of it all.

You have to decide whether the relationship that remains is worthy of rebuilding.

Mobile keeps dropping the keyboard as I type then I slam submit...

"Because I wanted to, and it felt good." is about the most honest answer.

Might not be satisfying but it's more honest than unmet needs fallacy most of the time.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 3:56 AM, Tuesday, October 19th]

You deserve an apology and an explanation that is more than just "I was unhappy".

He doesn’t appear remorseful (bad sign).

My experience is that without remorse there is the likelihood the cheater will cheat again.

You deserve better than this. Have you spoken to a professional about this? Not a marriage counselor but someone who is there for you. Just you.

Gracey my story is similar to yours. The frustration that 3+ years out and the old fool can’t seem to get the damage he has done to our relationship is very difficult. He seems to think that he wasn’t making any marriage plans with the piece of garbage should be a source of happiness for me. How do they get so clueless? He is not the prize I thought he was for almost 36 years of marriage. I know mine won’t cheat again because he retired and is with me 24/7. The piece of garbage he met in a red light district in Vietnam was not jnterested in him once I got a PI involved. We had a very comfortable relationship before his trip to Vietnam you would think the fool would see that this doesn’t just go away. I say go be happy with a woman you said flirted with every man she came in contact with and is 40;years younger than you. That sure sounds like my idea of a good time.

I agree with a lot of what you have all said and in the last few days I have spoken to a domestic abuse support group as while I understand abuse and gaslighting happens after D day to try and hide their bad behaviour, while they are having EA is just abuse. WH has not taken responsibility for damage and blames AW. Its a huge red flag and smacks of narcissistic traits or just plain denial. He is not in IC. Hard to trust someone like this and even harder to walk away when you love them or who you thought they were.

Gracey walking away from a 36 year marriage is not easy as you say if it were I’d be gone for sure! My husband had prostrate surgery 24 years ago and had been impotent ever since so his was just a EA for sure. It still does just as much damage. I think in his mind I was just a buzz kill. It felt good to have a young slender woman pay attention to him. So, what I didn’t know was none of my business. Then why lie right? If it were innocent there would be no reason to lie. When I was still teaching there was a young male teacher that would come eat with me every day in my room. I was always very open with my husband about it. I think the fella had a bit of crush on me and I was flattered but I would never do anything that would hurt my husband. I never dreamed my husband would care so little about hurting me though. You must feel similar. They, have to have a certain amount of narcissist tendencies to even go there don’t you think? What keeps me in this relationship is getting closer to 70;and being alone.

I was married 40 years and was 66 years old when we finally separated and almost 69 when the divorce was official. Sometimes it is just too much. If R attempts seem inadequate or non-existent will it ever be enough? Will your internal healing ever happen?

You have a lot of life ahead of you. How do you want to live it? People are living longer than they used to. Live it well.

You deserve more. His non answers are inadequate and show no attempt on his part to figure himself out. Will that ever be enough for you?

[This message edited by steadychevy at 6:45 AM, October 20th (Wednesday)]

steadychevy- you could well be right. I just don’t know, men see things so differently to women in that he keeps saying "I’ve done nothing wrong, I never slept with her" I cannot get him to see the sex makes no difference apart from in a UK divorce court. That also doesn’t explain why he had to be abusive. The crazy thing is he now has erectile dysfunction which started while all this was going on and viagra only seems to work sometimes. I cannot help think that the guilt has more to do with it all as he has come close to crying on occasion and yet refuses to say why. I would really love to understand what is going on with him and yet he will not let me in. I also found out he was using porn multiple times a day during the EA. Would love to get Men’s perspective on this as I an starting to realise just how differently we think to Men? I have asked him that when his parents pass over if we can move away as I feel a fresh start would be healing however that all depends on him being genuine.

Hi Gracey,

One thing I've learned is to trust my gut. When something doesn't make sense, that is normally a red flag, flagged by your mind or spirit that something isn't right. Trust your gut over anything said by someone you are sure has deceived you in the past.

My WS spouse told me a story that didn't make sense for over 2 years. Finally after my 100th time of reviewing the digital evidence it clicked for me and I confronted her with it and she updated her story to something that almost makes sense.

My WS would also explain things in sweeping comments and just recently has been going into more depth.

"Why did you expose me to STD’s?l

"Why did you violate the sanctity of our family home?"

"Why did you wrap our kids up in this?"

"Why did you separate from me when I asked some simple questions about phone calls?"

"Why did you try to make me think I needed professional psychiatric help and medication?"

"Why did you convince me that I had falsely accused you and then watch me twist in agony from the guilt?"

"Why did you demean me to him, such a lesser man?"

"Why did you insult me after DDAY by saying I was immature about sex when I said I couldn’t accept your affair was ‘meaningless sex’?"

"Why did you refuse to write down a timeline for three years?"

"Why did you fail your polygraph?"

"Why did you refuse to let me see the texts?"

"Why did you tell me ‘that’s private’ about the texts?"

"Why did you lash out ‘that’s what adults do!’ when I pressed you on why you had unprotected sex with him?"

"Why did you tell me you thought Linda MacDonald’s book was heavy handed and why did you refuse to read it for so long?"

"Why did you con me into thanking him for a gift to you as a couples gift?"

A sampling of the questions I’ve never received a satisfactory answer to.