SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey everyone, just thought I would pop in and provide a little update. So I’m working my 180 and seeing some improvement there and if nothing else it’s making me feel a little better. I believe wife is being honest with me when we do talk about affair and our relationship. Just can’t get her to talk about either without me bringing it up, and I haven’t brought it up since embracing the 180 last week. I think she is still hoping that things will just go back to normal but have informed her I will not let that happen. We do have our first marriage counseling scheduled for Thursday and hoping that goes well. Thanks

Sorry to hear you chose to rugsweep instead of standing up for yourself.

I hope you vetted the MC. Many follow the unmet needs model and shift blame to the betrayed spouse. It’s a lot easier to “save” the marriage if you can convince the betrayed that they share 50% or more of the responsibility for the affair. Unsurprisingly, the wayward usually only too happy to go along with this bullshit. If the counselor pulls this rugsweeping maneuver, tell them you don’t recall being consulted about your WW stepping outside of the marriage and walk. Your WW really should be in IC to fix what’s broken in her.

Did you hear back from the other betrayed spouse?

I did go to her house and speak with his wife to confirm she had gotten my letter. Kinda taken aback at how much older they are than me and my wife. She was visibly upset but stated that they were trying to work things through as well.

And is anything short of throwing her out still rug sweeping?

There is a lot of real estate between rugsweeping and scorched earth., and you’ve explored very little of it.

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 11:51 PM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

And is anything short of throwing her out still rug sweeping?

You don’t necessarily need to throw her out. What is rugsweeping is not talking about it. She should be all over you trying to fix this. Doing the 180 doesn’t mean she gets a pass, which is probably how she is viewing it. She isn’t bringing it up, you aren’t bringing it up, that is by definition rugsweeping.

I’m not so sure the 180 is the best route to go here. You love her. In your last thread you made this clear. She says she wants you. What is the purpose of the 180, and what are you doing that you view as 180?

This is the time you need to hold her feet to the fire. She needs to feel you mean business. Tell her you are going to talk to an attorney. She is a proven liar. She should know this is how you view her. It’s up to her to convince you otherwise. You need to me monitoring the crap out of her. Her leash should be about two feet. Hard to accomplish this in the 180.

The biggest question is what is she doing to make you feel safe. She is super crafty and has no problem lying right to your face. She probably thinks, judging by her previous actions that she just needs to wait you out.

Good move by meeting with the other BS. Is she able to provide any more information?

In my opinion, MC at this point is way too early. Most MC will start analyzing the marriage and the problems. Not a bad thing at the right time, but right now the problem is she fu*ked another guy. Do you feel you have the answers to that? How many time. Where and when. Did she have friends that cheered her on? Did they do it in your house. Most MC will not focus on this. Again, MC might be good, but it’s a long term thing. Your marriage is on fire and the MC isn’t going to put it out.

Why isn’t she coming to you right now begging and doing everything she can. Her not bringing it up is because you aren’t forcing her too. I can see why she wouldn’t, but you need to light a fire under her.

I really think that you can work through this, but right now she is about as reliable as a junkie on the street. She will say anything to make this just go away. Don’t fall for it. Actions are what matters.

How did she ever justify going back to him after you caught her? Why wouldn’t she just do it again? Obviously seeing you crushed was pretty easy to get over

T/j. Guys this is HIS marriage. No one should be on here to shame him. Stop it!

There is a lot of real estate between rugsweeping and scorched earth., and you’ve explored very little of it.

He has also been here for less than a month. I recommend giving a new member support and guidance rather than snarky and unhelpful comments.

Have some empathy and try to remember what it was like to be so new to this.

Take the advice you can use and leave the rest. None of this is easy. Don't let anyone demean or insult your efforts. This is a process.

Doing the 180 at this juncture seems odd. What is the purpose? Communication is important with your WW. She needs to realize the hurt and pain she has caused you and answer your questions. Take care of you. You need to heal.

And is anything short of throwing her out still rug sweeping?

If that’s a reply to my post I meant you should walk out of the counseling session if blame shifting is attempted, not your marriage.

Some of you need to read both threads in their entirety and see how the advice has evolved as OP has gotten more passive.

To be blunt, his approach basically never works in BH / WW scenarios.

If OP or mods direct me to quit posting, I’ll bow out, but my advice comes from my own hard earned experience, just like the rest of you and therefore, should be given equal weight.

DevastedHusband,

Please ignore responses that don't serve you. You are the one who gets to make choices, and I'm sure you're aware that you will be the one who lives with the results of those choices--whether those results are postive or negative.

There is a wealth of experiences on this site and even those who might appear to be harsh in their assessment of your decisions are really hoping you don't get hurt in the long run.

Okay, so rug-sweeping is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. Instead of cleaning up whatever is on the floor, you sweep it under the rug and "forget" about it. The mess doesn't go away, of course, but festers and rots until it ruins the floor and the rug. It doesn't seem to me, from what you've written, that you're sweeping this shit under the rug.

I printed a copy of "Understanding the 180" and read it every few days for a while (honestly can't remember how long because it was a long time ago). Each time I read it my understanding grew a little better. And, yes, it made me feel better, as well.

I believe wife is being honest with me when we do talk about affair and our relationship. Just can’t get her to talk about either without me bringing it up, and I haven’t brought it up since embracing the 180 last week.

It seems to me that most wayward spouses won't voluntarily bring up their affair(s), which frustrates most betrayed spouses. Embracing the 180 doesn't necessarily preclude conversations about the affair or your relationship or anything else, for that matter. Remember, "it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem."

When you met this MC, keep in mind that you are hiring them. Ask plenty of questions about their experiences with infidelity, both personally and professionally. Ask them about their training, what they've studied about infidelity (if he or she mentions Esther Perel, get your parking validated and your ass out the door).

minor t/j

Sorry to hear you chose to rugsweep instead of standing up for yourself.
There is a lot of real estate between rugsweeping and scorched earth., and you’ve explored very little of it.

...my advice comes from my own hard earned experience, just like the rest of you and therefore, should be given equal weight.

You call this advice? Surely you can do better than that.

Unhinged,

If you’ve read both threads, then I consider your post a personal insult. You are entitled to your opinions, but not your own facts. I’ve lived this shit burger … I assume you have too. Why are your experiences worth more than mine.

BTW … YOU instigated this T/J

[This message edited by ButAnyway at 6:21 AM, Wednesday, August 24th]

If OP or mods direct me to quit posting, I’ll bow out, but my advice comes from my own hard earned experience, just like the rest of you and therefore, should be given equal weight.

Ummm, I’m not sure if you noticed the word “Administrator” under WalkingOnEggShellz’s name, but I’m pretty sure it means she’s fairly high on the hierarchy of this site.

I’ll copy her post for you since you seemed to have just blown right past it.

He has also been here for less than a month. I recommend giving a new member support and guidance rather than snarky and unhelpful comments.

Have some empathy and try to remember what it was like to be so new to this.

I missed nothing, just stating my opinion under the TOS.

Action is necessary in BH scenarios. The OP may not agree and that’s his prerogative, but I should be allowed to relay advice based on my own experiences.

Maybe I’m wrong but here is the way I see it. And I have read everything I can find over past few days from Werner Davis to try and understand the 180. If I continue to try and hold her feet to the fire. I’m trying to fix the marriage not her. I’m the sucker who cares more and has no power in the relationship. Now I realize I’m about 6 months to late but now I’m showing my wife that there is a good possibility this marriage won’t survive unless she is willing to take the initiative to fix it. No longer wearing my wedding ring, absolutely no physical affection unless she initiates it, And working on myself physically and mentally preparing myself in the event this doesn’t work out. I feel if I force all work I will never know whether she wanted to come back to this marriage, but IF I can get her to take it upon herself to fix this situation it would go a long way toward making me believe she wants this more than me. If I can’t I just have to really be willing to walk. I do have her on a 2’ leash I just don’t let her know about it, you know give her enough rope to hang herself.

And ButAnyway: all I was saying is that I would appreciate any ideas you have rather than just kinda insults or jabs. If you have any specific ideas I’m all ears. Thanks

all I was saying is that I would appreciate any ideas you have rather than just kinda insults or jabs. If you have any specific ideas I’m all ears. Thanks

My recommendation is to cancel the marriage counselor. Here is the thing, you were both in the same marriage and you didn't cheat. The issue with these types of therapy is that your marriage is the client and not you. So the focus is on the marriage and not yourself. I believe at this point in time, given the current state of things, you are simply wasting the time and money you are spending there, but also I'm not sure seeing something about the marriage is the best approach. Your wife found it within herself to cheat and she needs to see a therapist to work on that aspect of herself that is broken.

Again, take the advice you want and leave the rest. Maybe you keep the first appointment and see how it goes, but if nothing else, you go in with a clear expectation and eyes wide open that these types of therapists are there to see to it that your marriage holds together, even if they need bailing twine and duct tape to make it happen. Your goal right now shouldn't be to make sure that no matter what you stay with your wife, because honestly I'm not sure that you or her know that is the best path for you. I think it is honestly a major red flag that your wife is not cut out for R since she isn't moving Heaven and Earth to show you that she gets it and is going to do everything she can to be a different, better version of herself for herself and the marriage. From everything you've told us, it seems likely that she will never get there, so a lot of the advice is coming from a place of "we've been down the road you appear to be headed on, so we are trying to course correct you away from our mistake" mindset and not so much as animus towards you. Some of us have gone the road of what we thought was R only to find that it was more of a rug sweep situation and nothing had fundamentally changed.