SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:04 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

My WH went through something similar about a year after DDay 6, when we had DDay 7. Long story.

Anyway.

He was at his lowest. The trickle truth finally stopped. Finally.

He hit bottom with porn and alcohol addictions. He was finally able to speak aloud about all of it - and it came out in hours of crying, talking, and a story of his parents’ divorce, his father’s affair (and marriage to the AP, divorce, remarriage to his mother, it’s crazy).

I was also at a low. WH didn’t want to do therapy. It was a sticking point - he was reluctant to go for many reasons, but his shame was the biggest. We got past that. I felt alone on the recovery road. He finally joined me in a way that felt more supportive, where HE was also visibly healing himself, which has made a huge difference.

I was worried, too, that anything I did or said would drag us backward. But I kept emphasizing that the ONLY way forward was together, armed with radical truth.

If we avoided the truth, we would never get anywhere. And the truth included my pain, his history, the fears we both have, and the fact that we are on this uncertain path of trying to recover from a nuclear bomb exploding in our relationship.

We talk more calmly now than we did before. It gets easier, but we still both cry at times.

I’m happy to hear he is trying, and being honest about why he was being such a jerk before. Addiction is such a terrible disease.

Sending prayers.

A rough time leading up to the 1st 'antiversary' of d-day is pretty normal. I'm told I was a wreck for the 4.5 months from the antiversary of the start of my W's PA to d-day. Actually, d-day itself was a relief for me, and it may be for you, too. I hope it is.

Your WS has to deal with the addiction before they can begin to deal with their infidelity. There's no other way, as far as I can see.

OTOH, you have your feelings, and you need to resolve them somehow.

I know your H saw the light a short while ago. Are you sure he can't listen to and hear you yet? Maybe he can. How about friends? Will one/some/all of them hear you? How about a pastor or an IC? Will posting more of your thoughts and feelings help?

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this mismatch. I was able to talk with my W and our IC in the runup to the 1st antiversary, and that saved my sanity. I think you need support. Are there people who can and will give it to you?

Block the ONS on Insta and reward yourself every time you resist unblocking and creeping on her. You don't want to build the comparison pain-shopping habit. Trust me on this one. Also, even if she's Miss America, he still affaired down. Quality women don't knowingly sleep with men who are in exclusive relationships.

I understand not wanting to jeopardize his recovery by reminding him that he did shitty things, but make sure that you're not putting yourself in jeopardy by ignoring your own needs. Have you considered Al Anon? You can always share here, too.

I am sorry you are dealing with all this.

One thing that you should work on understanding is this-

Your husband didn’t cheat on you because you were not pretty enough for him. He cheated on you because he is an escapist. He escapes with cheating and drug use and all those things. He cheated because he didn’t have a strong enough character to honor his commitments. He cheated because he valued escapism above connection, likely doesn’t understand what true connection is or feels like. He cheated because he doesn’t love himself and therefore is incapable of fully understanding love for others.

I know he has a big mountain to climb to learn all these things and grow up and be a healed man man. One who will love more than just your appearance, he will love you for all your nuance. If he doesn’t reach that point please know it’s what you fully deserve. the right man will find you the sexiest thing there is because you are you. Beauty is skin deep and honey that skank is There are many out there looking for a real, faithful good woman and I know you have that in spades.

I hope he grows, otherwise, I hope you will learn to love yourself and not give him the power to determine your divine worthiness. Focus on loving yourself, and it will provide clarity over what you deserve.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:50 AM, Thursday, January 16th]

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:05 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

I’m not technologically savvy, and I wanted to pm you. Can you pm me? I would be willing to talk in the phone if you want to but don’t know how to share my phone number in a private message :) no problem at all if you’re not ready for that! I don’t have a lot to offer advice wise, but my one year anniversary is coming up and maybe we can support each other. Oxoxo

Oh I’m so sorry, I just read the other post saying that requesting private pms is not allowed. I’m so sorry. I did not mean to break the rules. I’m still learning how to navigate this technology and I 💯 did not mean to buck the process. Please accept my apology.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:05 PM, Saturday, April 18th]