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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:02 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

First ...be patient with yourself. Your brain experienced a serious trauma. I would like to refer you to Jake Porter. Look up his material on YouTube. He has a plan where you can access his webinars for like $30 a month and there are many good things that will help you.

I want to ask....do you have free reign to talk about EVERYTHING with your UH as MUCH AS YOU WANT? I wonder if by chance you have not had that opportunity or taken that approach since some counselors recommend against it. If this is the case ..I think your brain is stuck. You need to be reassured to basically reprogram your reality. And doing it as a couple will allow you to have a "common story".

This is where it will be tough for the UH...but that is part of his work and his amends and how he can help you heal.

It does get better with proper work together. Again, WS cannot ONLY do work on himself ..he needs to work on the realtionship too. It was a relationship betrayal and a relational injury. Hang in there. Check out the YouTube channel.🙏

Duplicate post.

[This message edited by WoodThrush2 at 4:23 AM, Monday, March 17th]

Honor the wall. Look at what it's telling you and why it's telling you that.

In a sense, you're 3 months out, not 12. Maybe the 1st 9 months killed your M. It's said, and I believe , that the behavior after an A kills more Ms than an A does on its own.

The refusal to do IC concerns me. How else will he change from cheater to good partner? NA gives one sort of help. IC gives another type. Refusing IC smacks of wanting to hide something ... that bodes ill, IMO.

IOW, your stuckness mat be telling you something. Mt reco is: find our what your issues are and resolve them, even if it means D.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:02 PM, Saturday, April 18th]

Torturedpoet I am really sorry you are dealing with all this. In my situation some days are harder than others, so just remember to take care of yourself and give yourself grace. Also just take one day or part of a day at a time. I hope you feel more like your old self soon. There are free videos about betrayal trauma on the Bloom website. I have found those to be helpful. Wishing you peace and calm 🕊️

I think he avoids IC because he has a lot of childhood trauma that he doesn't want to touch. He hates taking about bad things that happened to him, if he ever does it sends him into a spiral, he just can't seem to handle it. Similar to how he reacts when I bring up his infidelity, but worse. I don't know a way around that really.

Gently, he is the only one who can find a way around that.

My bet is that his infidelity stems from his avoidance and his reaction when he can't avoid. My guess is that you're stuck because you know deep inside you that he is not changing from betrayer to good partner, that he needs to deal with his own trauma in order to make that change, that he so far has shown he won't resolve his trauma, and finally, that therefore R is doomed.

Have you considered the simplified 180? It's at https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/?ap=141, and I've asked for it to be 'awakened.' It's much more coherent that the base 180 document.

I think you'll be in for a very bumpy ride unless your H starts to heal from his trauma. I think your best bet is to somehow decide and communicate that you won't stick around unless he addresses his trauma in IC.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:33 PM, Monday, March 17th]

sisoon's advice above is very sound.

Any advice on how to knock myself out of whatever this is would be very much appreciated. I just feel like I’m not really here right now.

I was you not so long ago. The numb stage can last a long, long time, especially if you're staying for the kids and not getting what you need from your WS. It sounds to me like both are true. Feeling stuck means feeling powerless and not in control of your future. You need to find a way to take charge of your life again, and you probably need to separate for a while so that you can truly heal yourself. It's also a great way to shake your WS out of his shame, self-pity, and avoidance. My WS was very much the same way, and the only thing that ever snapped him out of it was separation. We did IHS (in house separation) for a while, but eventually I found a way to my own apartment with the kid being no wiser about our difficulties.

I think you're dissociating and unable to focus because you have so much repressed pain. Trying to maintain a semblance of "normal" in front of the kids with your WS is super hard and mentally exhausting. Ask me how I know! I suggest you find a way to afford IC for yourself and make a plan for your future that doesn't include your WS. It's really hard and absolutely terrifying (and tragic!), but I can almost guarantee that it will get you out of your current state of mind.

Torturedpoet....he does not understand what he did to you based on what you said. Please ask him to read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. There really is much more going on. I believe you are still in the Betrayal Trauma phase. Have you read Betrayal Bind by Michelle Mays? That will help you too.

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[This message edited by torturedpoet at 11:03 PM, Saturday, April 18th]