SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@ff4152, that is an excellent question. I have been trying to find the best way to explain it because it feels so different from all the other times. It feels like a fog has lifted. Like literally a fog. I feel like I was in a dream state and had gone deeper and deeper into denial, until it just became a consistent part of my life. The A became a parallel life, and I found a way to decompartmentalize it all. I don't know why, but somehow my ability to do that has gone away. I can't unsee what is really happening. I can't pretend anymore. And I also can't keep not dealing with what is wrong in my marriage and what is broken in me, and how those things led to this. I finally realized that the things I was looking for or looking to escape cannot be found or escaped through this of any other A. The A was an illusion. Above all, I guess I finally have the courage to unpack it, even if it means losing my marriage in the process, which may happen ... not just because of the A, but because there are lots of things that may be beyond fixing at home.

Above all it finally occurred to my dumb ass that R cannot happen unless there is no outside interference, and that my BH never stood a chance because I ran to my AP every time the things I wanted to work on went ignored for several months or years. It may have taken a long time, but the backsliding always happened. My need to be seen and heard became all consuming. Now I realize that *I needed to see and hear *myself first, and that one wrong does not make another right.

My feelings for the AP have changed so much and I don't know why. In the past it felt like I had to give up the A because it was "the right thing to do." It was about how it would affect and devastate my BH and about how it would look to others. It was about shame and guilt too, but my actions to R were superficial and temporary, and above all else, tied to my BH changing. That was a big deal. Like a conditional apology, not a real one.

Now ending the A is simply what I genuinely want to do. To my core. I feel fundamental shift even when I talk about it. Like the spell was broken. The NC has not been hard at all ... which is new as well! Really new! Something has shifted inside me. And my focus is not just on me me me me, but on us us us ... meaning me and my BH. Maybe I just got sick and tired of being sick and tired. The secrecy was exhausting and I became someone else over the years. I became two people, and it feels like the two are re-integrating into the one original person who had a moral center. My dad who was a philander and who abused me as a child finally died. Maybe it's that too. I know all of those things are related and am talking to my IC about it.

The lifting of the fog feels like finally remembering who you are deep down and not being able to live like an asshole anymore. All I know is that right now in this moment, I have no desire to go back to that life, and have no desire to be with him even if my marriage is over. That is a huge one for me. Hard to explain why but that is how I feel right now. I know it is a one day at a time thing and this is like any sobriety journey, and your question is very fair and reasonable. What I have written is the best way I can explain it.

[This message edited by dlvp at 11:07 PM, Tuesday, July 29th]

@OnTheOtherSideOfHell thank you for sharing your perspective. What you are describing is often what I think my husband would say. "Just end it, unfuck yourself and be my wife again. And don't talk about it at all. Just be done." It feels like that is what the refusal to talk about it might mean, (in addition to him just feeling trapped, frozen, angry and all the other things) but I can't know this without bringing it up, so it is a Catch 22. That is why I posted. I really appreciate you speaking on it and sharing how you feel. It is so helpful to read these different responses. I have stopped tying my decisions about my behavior to how HE is behaving in this marriage. That is the biggest change. I am so sorry about your daughters. I WAS like your daughters ... my dad cheated and I swore I never would. So I hope your daughters realize that they are better than that and that they are worthy of beautiful happy lives with trustworthy partners who they can in turn be faithful to. So sorry for what happened to you.

Thank you. I don’t think my daughters would ever have the desire to cheat. They are wired like me. I never cheated, not out of respect for my husband, but out of respect for myself and love for the safety and security of my girls. Romance has never been a priority for me so when it was lacking in my marriage I’d enjoy other aspects of life and what marriage offered. Relationships ebb and flow and the thought of cheating when it ebbed was just not ever a craving 🤷‍♀️. I wish you well and healing whatever you decide is best for you and your husband. Remember, you nor your marriage is defined by the worst thing you ever did.

This is an incredibly difficult situation, and my advice comes from a place of genuine concern for your husband's well-being. I offer this as my sincere perspective, acknowledging that it might not align with your current feelings, but hoping it provides a different side of the argument for consideration.

From what you've outlined, I genuinely struggle to see how you can be considered a safe partner for him, or indeed, for anyone else, at this moment. The repeated and sustained nature of the infidelity you've described—a 14-year on-and-off affair—speaks to a deeply ingrained pattern of deception. Trustworthiness is the bedrock of any healthy relationship, and a history of such extensive falsehoods fundamentally erodes that foundation. It's clear from your account that your husband is enduring his own personal demons, and he may be grappling with his own internal struggles; your continued infidelity simply cannot be helping him; in fact, it's likely exacerbating any existing vulnerabilities he has.

If witnessing his profound pain during the initial admission wasn't enough to make you stop the affair and commit unequivocally to fidelity, it's incredibly difficult to confidently assert that anything will truly change your behavior. Genuine transformation is not a quick fix; it requires years of hard, consistent work and a fundamental shift in character. One does not become a truly good and trustworthy person in a mere month. I've encountered countless accounts from individuals who, as wayward spouses, saw the agony they caused their partners upon discovery, and it drove them to near-suicidal levels of despair. I simply cannot comprehend how one could experience that profound impact once and then backslide into continued betrayal.

Yes, you may have grown bored of your affair partner, and in that sense, your husband might feel he "wins by default." However, your feelings changing for your affair partner should never be the primary driver for recommitting to your actual husband. While some will argue that redemption is possible, it is an incredibly long and arduous road, demanding profound, consistent effort over many years. I do not believe it is fair to ask your husband to endure this agonizing path with you while you attempt to build a decent moral character. He is the injured party, and his healing should be paramount, not secondary to your journey of self-improvement.

A 14-year on-and-off affair is, for many, is unforgivable in its sheer duration and depth of betrayal. You somehow found someone in the extraordinarily small percent of people willing to even consider forgiving this breach of trust. The continuation of this affair on top of that should, in my personal opinion, be far too heavy a burden for anyone to bear. I do not believe any relationship should go on after what you've done. Irrespective of any of his own issues that might make him cling to the marriage, I personally think you should consider putting him out of his misery. He is likely trapped in a cycle of pain and false hope, desperately trying to reconcile with a version of you that doesn't align with your past actions. Ending the marriage, while painful in the short term, could ultimately be the act of compassion that allows him to genuinely heal and build a life founded on truth and trust.

I'm sure many will disagree but I look at marriages like this as pets with terminal diseases, you wouldn't put a dog through this pain, you'd ultimately have them euthanized out of care and love. My recommendation is to do likewise with your marriage.

@DRSOOLERS thank you for weighing in. Your opinion is one I myself have considered often and have agreed with at times. I understand what I have done is wrong. I also have seen redemption and reversal of behavior in all kinds of people who are willing to get counseling and help, and I think you may be underestimating me and my husband and our capacity to heal. I can understand why and respect your opinion and understand it, but I am betting on me and on my marriage. I do believe this marriage can be saved.

I also know that the underlying reasons for how someone who was a staunch monogamist their entire life could turn into who I have become starting at age 45 are finally being discussed and revealed in IC. There are many things that led to the affair. I had not dealt with my history as a sexually abused child of an alcoholic, philandering father. I thought I had dealt with it, but I had not. Then in a strange but all too common twist of fate, I became the very thing I hated, feared and loathed about my dad. On top of that, I married someone who was emotionally unavailable and had intimacy issues (like my mother) probably to keep myself safe in an odd way.

What I did not realize till after we were married is that my husband too had some major emotional issues that he had never addressed. My husband has a compulsive gambling problem, and there is lying and hiding going on on his part that we have fought over for years. There is emotional disconnection. There is workaholism. There is escape into poker over his wife. There is denial and a refusal to acknowledge the problem or get help. I started to leave years ago and warned that this behavior would lead to the end of our marriage. Nothing changed. I probably should have left. Instead, I fell in l love with a friend who listened and it turned into more.

When I realized that the A was not a solution I stopped it and confessed. My husband forgave me and changed his ways and I changed mine. We connected more. We worked on things. Then he went back to his habit and I ran back to my escape and settled there ... breaking it off when I could no longer bear what I was doing to my marriage but then getting angry and running away again. This has been the cycle all these years.

So you have two people not dealing with their shit and cheating in different ways. NO is does not excuse what I did, but it does give context into how it all started, this combination of two broken people not dealing with their problems and not being honest. He does not want to give up his habit so he subliminally puts up with what he suspects is going on, or uses it to justify his habit (which it turns out started long before I met him.) I didn't want to give up my escape and was too cowardly to leave the marriage. Now I am awake. The fog has lifted. Finally. I did not become "bored" of my affair partner ... I just finally saw him and the A for what it is: an escape from reality, a drug, a toxic chemical, a temporary high, a way to numb oneself, and a relationship killer that continues to keep someone in a cycle of betrayal of their partners and themselves really. I woke up. I don't know how else to put it.

That said, we both need to get help. None of it is ok, and clearly we have major problems and need counseling. I rarely talk about what he is doing because I don't want to shift blame or make excuses. I am wrong in my behavior no matter what. If he leaves I would not blame him. My hope however is that we can finally get the help we both need and start over, because I believe we are each other's best option as a life partner. There is so much good and joy that no one sees, so many good times, and so much love. I am sure most would say love cannot exist while someone is also doing shitty things, but I do not believe that. I believe we love each other but we don't love ourselves. I am going to come clean and see what he says and whether he is open to counseling. It will be a one day at a time process, but I am not going to run away from accountability or truth anymore. I will deserve whatever the outcome is. But I do not think this is impossible to repair. You may be right, but I am going to try anyway.

What I appreciate the most about this forum is that people for the most part are willing to be frank and blunt. Your comment was no exception and I am grateful for it and I hear you. And, I really will consider what you are saying about leaving for his sake. That option is plausible and possibly the right one. I won't know until we talk. In the mean time, thank you for what you wrote and how you wrote it. Every response here has been helpful and eye opening. That is why I am here. To gain perspective and seek help. So thank you.

[This message edited by dlvp at 4:07 PM, Wednesday, July 30th]

@OntheOtherSideofHell thank you for saying this: "Remember, you nor your marriage is defined by the worst thing you ever did." At first that sounded like "you are not accountable" which is NOT true of course, but now I think I hear what you a mean and I will carry that with me as I proceed. Thank you so much.

Just getting caught up on your thread. First and foremost, I affirm your fortitude in posting here.

Ill be honest, when I read 14 years it stopped me in my tracks for a bit. As I know you know, that is certainly a protracted amount of betrayal. When I continued to read, I was struck by a number of things.

Firstly, you are a good communicator imo. This will stand you in good stead as you keep working through your issues, regardless of what your BH ultimately decides. I hope you keep posting here. I also affirm you refraining from utilizing the stop sign so that BS's like me can feed into this thread.

I support you revealing all to your BH, but not in a forced exposure manner. I like the idea of writing it all down and letting him know it is available to him at any time and that you will discuss any and all of it when/if ever he needs to. This accomplishes a number of things including transparency and accountability. Of course, the old saying holds true, confession is good for the soul. In this case, its as necessary as disinfecting a wound.

There can be no discussion of your betrayal without addressing your sex abuse as a child and the fact that your Father also had an affair. I am so sorry this happened to you. As a Dad of girls, now grown women, nothing enrages me more than hearing of children being sa'd. Were the perpetrators ever exposed and brought to justice? Regardless, again, Im so sorry this was inflicted on you. That trauma alone had/has to be immense. I hope you have sought out therapy to work through that. Compounding this, your Father having an affair had to also be traumatic and detrimental to your development into adulthood. I mean, where else are we to learn what it means to be a faithful, loyal, and committed spouse if not from our parents primarily? These are not excuses, but they are most assuredly contributing factors for your mindset and probable developmental gap.

On that note, again, no excuse but to be emotionally/relationally abandoned by your BH over a gambling addiction certainly also contributed to your frame of mind.

All that said, I dont know why your BH doesnt want to know the details of your betrayal. Educated guess would be that its a self-protective reflex. Maybe he thinks he cant handle anymore. He may also be afraid that you are simply "white knuckling" your abstention from continuing the affair. At least for now, hes sticking around which gives you the opportunity to put into practice all of the things you are learning about yourself and being authentic and invest this into your marriage. If I read this correctly, you are only in your 40s with a lot of life to live yet (whether or not your marriage survives).

Your post strikes me as an expression of burgeoning self awareness. I hope you continue on that journey toward true healing and recovery. Youve come to a great place to help find tools for that effort.

Healing and clarity to both you and your BH.

Firstly, I want to thank you for taking my remarks in the manner they were intended. I know it can be difficult to accept these sorts of comments from strangers on the internet, and I genuinely appreciate your open-mindedness. Secondly, I appreciate your optimism, and as I've stated before, I could certainly be wrong in my assessment. I truly hope you are right, and that your unique situation defies the patterns I've observed. My inability to envision a truly happy and secure relationship emerging from the circumstances you've described doesn't mean it's impossible. So yes, have hope. Sometimes though, as you may be aware, it's the hope that ultimately causes more pain.

Regarding the comparison between your husband's gambling and your infidelity: while both are destructive behaviors that involve lying and hiding, and both betray trust, they are not morally equivalent in the context of a monogamous marriage. Infidelity is a direct, intimate breach of the core vows of sexual and emotional exclusivity. It introduces a third party into the marital bed and heart, fundamentally altering the relationship's foundation in a way that gambling, while devastating, does not. The unique trauma of infidelity stems from the violation of the most intimate boundaries, the shattering of the illusion of exclusivity, and the profound sense of being replaced or devalued.

I understand you've offered your personal history as context, not an excuse, for your actions. However, I urge you to read other accounts from wayward spouses at the beginning of their healing journeys. You'll find that the "reasons" they cite for their infidelity can range from seemingly minor grievances like a partner not doing enough housework, to feeling neglected, or even working too much. While these are certainly genuine issues within a marriage that need to be addressed, to draw a moral comparison between them and the act of infidelity itself is, to me, quite ludicrous.

It's akin to someone supposing, "Yes, Your Honor, I burned his house down with his pets inside, but you know, he borrowed my lawnmower without asking." The initial grievance, while perhaps valid, is utterly dwarfed by the destructive act that followed. Infidelity is a fundamentally different animal. It's not just a symptom of marital problems; it's a profound betrayal that shatters trust, violates sacred boundaries, and often inflicts deep, lasting trauma on the betrayed partner and the family unit. It's an active choice to seek intimacy or validation outside the marriage, often involving sustained deception and emotional manipulation.

I believe you need to fully come to terms with this critical distinction—that while underlying issues may create fertile ground for infidelity, they do not diminish its unique severity as an act of betrayal. This is a crucial point of understanding for genuine accountability and healing. I would strongly recommend further discussions on this specific distinction with your therapist, as clarifying this perspective will be vital for your path forward.

In my experience, I have never met a man who would be genuinely willing and happy to bear the immense, long-term burden of a relationship recovering from such repeated and prolonged infidelity. While it's true that some couples navigate infidelity and "recover"—sometimes even claiming to be "stronger"—my observations suggest a crucial distinction. You might see relationships where longer-term affairs are discovered, confronted, and perhaps, after immense work, genuinely healed. You might also see couples who've had shorter term affair, upon discovery the wayward may have a few relapses but ultimately commit to recovery.

However, your situation involves both long-term and repeated betrayal, which compounds the damage exponentially. The burden on the betrayed partner is not just the initial shock, but the continuous psychological weight of years of deception and the profound insecurity it instills. This includes the constant questioning of reality, the erosion of self-worth, and the deep-seated fear of future betrayal. Whilst, after enough digging, you may find a few examples of relationships surviving this sort of scenario... I would assert that it's extraordinarily rare and would be highly interested to see the accounts of both partners when it comes to how truly happy they are.

What I have encountered more frequently are individuals who are simply too emotionally frozen, too overwhelmed, or too deeply wounded to leave situations that are clearly detrimental to their well-being. This isn't a judgment of their strength or lack thereof, but rather a stark observation of the profound psychological toll such betrayals take. The sheer exhaustion of repeated emotional trauma, coupled with the fear of the unknown and financial anxieties, can create a paralysis that keeps someone tethered to a painful status quo. They may stay, but it is often out of a complex mix of inertia and trauma response, rather than a joyful, unburdened choice to build a truly happy and secure future.

Unfortunately, after considering the depth and duration of the issues you've outlined, my recommendation remains the same. I believe that upon coming clean, you should initiate a divorce. This is not a self-flagellation, but a pathway for both of you to heal separately. Attempting to maintain the relationship while undertaking the massive amount of personal work you both need to do—especially given the history of repeated betrayals—is unlikely to be beneficial for either of you. Furthermore, I do not feel it is fair to burden your partner with the emotional weight of healing from such a long and recurrent pattern of infidelity. The repeated betrayals represent a heavy and unfair load for anyone to carry, and allowing him to pursue his own healing unencumbered by the complexities of your shared past might be the most compassionate choice you can make for him.

You assert that 'I believe we are each other's best option as a life partner.' Personally, and I do hope this comment causes no offense, I would urge you both to aim a little higher.

If someone were to tell me that my best option for a life partner was an individual who had repeatedly betrayed me for over 14 years, I would interpret that as an immense insult. It suggests a fundamental devaluation of my own worth and what I deserve in a relationship. I think it may speak to your mindset of him. I would suggest it still tells me that somewhere, perhaps subconsciously you think he deserves what you did. Tik for tat. He has his issues, you have yours. Equal. I know that if I had done half of what you had to my partner I would be thinking, I don't deserve them. A truly "best option" partner is one who consistently demonstrates loyalty, integrity, and respect, and who builds a foundation of unwavering trust. To imply that a relationship marred by such prolonged and recurrent infidelity represents the pinnacle of available partnership choices can inadvertently convey a message that one is not worthy of genuine, untainted fidelity. It diminishes the profound impact of the betrayal and sets a dangerously low bar for future happiness and security.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:11 AM, Thursday, July 31st]