SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was almost 4 years ago and WH has a 1 year physical affair with a colleague. We are on holiday and the lead up to this has made me anxious due to it being a beach holiday, and the associated women in bikinis. I restarted IC to try to help and have been upfront that I fi d being at the pool/beach etc. tricky. He seems to have e acknowledged this and mentioned a couple of times about it. Today in a bar we were sitting next to each other facing forwards and he kept looking behind us. There was an attractive woman sat there so this was making me feel uncomfortable. I decided to ask him why he kept looking behind and said it was unusual. He said he was just placing around and what was did I think he was looking at. He then faced straight forward and we finished our drink in silence. We have walked back and he has gone off to the pool alone. Please help.

If your H likes to openly stare at other women he gets what he deserves / your saying something.

The disrespect he shows you is unacceptable but of course the cheater never sees things that way. They only see this as a negative from you (you’re insecure or you are jealous etc) — not as a negative on their behavior.

You did nothing wrong.

Thank you for your reply. He told me he was just looking around the bar. He is now not talking to me and I feel really anxious.

Your spouse has to understand — you’re not paranoid, he really, actually hurt you with real betrayal.

That means you are allowed to be very extra over the top sensitive about ANYTHING that concerns you, that includes feeling uncomfortable when you are in a situation that triggers your memory of the A.

He has to own the damage he caused — which includes today.

If he doesn’t have empathy for you and your healing, why is he hanging around in the M at all?

Both men and women have built in ways of identifying a mate. For men, it seems like the visual is a much higher priority than for women. Most men are naturally going to identify an attractive woman, and want to look. This is completely normal in my opinion.

It's funny you bring this up today actually, because I was just noticing this effect yesterday. I was at the gym, playing a game with about 5-7 other males. An attractive woman started working out on a machine near buy that was visible to everyone in the room if they looked in that direction. Yes I looked. But I was also careful to pay attention to the others to see how many of them looked. All of the adult males appeared to have a difficult time not looking. I noticed that each one looked several times.

The point I'm making is it's normal for men, and your husband to want to look. I don't think thats the real issue. The issue as I see it is two fold:

1. He was evasive and dishonest when you asked about it. This kind of dishonesty is the type my wife practices a lot as well (she is getting better though). She will say something that is technically true, but not honest. This is mostly the way she lied to me during her affair. "I am going to see my AP to drop some legal papers off" - technically true. She was dropping papers off. But then they wen't on a date, and had sex as well - the lie by omission.

Yes it's true he was looking around the room. So in his mind I'm sure he feels like he was being "honest". But the real truth is he was checking an attractive woman out. I think your brain subconsciously understands this kind of dishonestly, and given what he has done, it causes you to feel unsafe emotionally. This is expected and I don't think anything is wrong with you.

2. I'm guessing that an attractive woman makes you feel uncomfortable for the same reason my wife being nice to an attractive man makes me feel uncomfortable. We are not fully convinced that they have changed their ways, and that they are going to be able to resist temptation this time around. We now know their weakness, and what they are capable of, and don't want to feel the pain of betrayal again. It's probably our body's defense mechanism kicking in trying to defend us from the pain we experienced in the past.

It would be like a former alcoholic picking up a drink menu. It's scary because looking at the menu could indicate they are thinking of having another drink, and starting the addiction up again.

Of course this is going to make you feel unsafe. I don't blame you or think you are being unreasonable. His actions caused deep wounds in you. It's expected that you might bleed on him a bit while he's trying to help you recover. He needs to understand and be okay with this.

I don't know how someone who is "reconciled" would react to this type of situation. Maybe thats what being reconciled means. That you don't have a reaction like this when a similar situation comes up. I don't know.

Thank you for your insight. It is really helpful to hear other's views. I have really explained what happened in a clear and calm way and he gets it. We talked about a strategy for next time. His response was due to feelings of shame, not an excuse but it makes sense. He has reassured me and we have a plan. Until next time....

I glance at attractive people on occasion. So does my partner of 4 years. We are human. And he is not the person that gave me reason to join this site.

But what he does not do is lie, attempt to gaslight me, and then give me the cold shoulder if I questioned this type of obvious behavior and act like a petulant child.

I’m sorry. You are not wrong in the way you are feeling.

...what was did I think he was looking at.

The question belies the guilt. He could have been honest. In stead, he choose to obfuscate. This put the ball in your court. It's most likely a part of the relationship dynamics you've both created. He knew his response would end the conversation. Might be conscious manipulation, though I suspect it's unconscious.

What do you think he'd have answered to a male friend? "Check out that babe behind me?" Or something more colorful?

Being vulnerable is hard enough in "normal" life. Being vulnerable, and authentic, while surviving infidelity can be downright terrifying, for both spouses. It takes courage, which is what most betrayed spouses are eager to witness while reconciling.

One can only do their best in trying to communicate effectively. It's up to the listener to actually listen.

Be open and honest. How your WH chooses to use that information will tell you what you need to know. Trust your instincts.