SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What’s going y’all! My wife and I are currently in year two of reconciliation. It was last year on January 1st that my wife told me she had an affair with a guy who I thought was my friend. And a few months later she also confessed of two more affairs in the same time frame with a co-worker and a guy from instagram. Those were sexting and a kiss with the co-worker. It was physical and emotionality my "friend" who is also her cousins husband. No sex but other things no man wants their wife doing to another man. I’ve actually been through programs with affair recovery and so has she. We are trying to overcome but some days really suck. I told her she has no idea how damaging it is as a man. I know it is for women too but I can only speak for my gender. I still do love my wife. And I want reconciliation. But it’s hard whenever you hear so much in society that you are a "simp" if you take her back. Or she will loose respect for you. I don’t think that’s the case for my wife. She has completely ruined her mental by doing this foolish thing. He relationship with her cousin is tarnished forever. And she almost ended ours. She cried often from the pain she has caused and the weight of her actions. I feel bad for her sometimes. But sometimes I can’t help but look at her and just think to myself "you are so stupid" like why would you do something so dumb. That’s like a random person coming and saying " hey I’ll cut off your arm, kill your family and make you get fired from your job all by tonight. And you get no perks or anything in exchange but pain and suffering" and you saying "ok sign me up". That’s what I think about when she was at the crossroads of whether she should respond to my "friends" original message that opened the door for the affair. Why would you sing yourself up for pain and misery? Idk do yall feel that sometimes about your WW spouse? Like I said I love her but what was done was so foolish and senseless. Now she built a prison for herself. I’m hoping she can pull through. And I’m hoping I can pull through as well. But this road is tough.

Sorry for all the misspelling guys.

"Why?"

It's a question every betrayed spouse wants answered, needs answered in reconciliation. No answer will ever be good enough, because there is no justification for infidelity. Still, having an answer that's close is often good enough. What's more important than "why," I think, is "why not?"

What's changed?

At it's core, infidelity is self-destructive. Sometimes people simply break. It happens. They blow-up their own lives and we, the betrayed, are collateral damage. When we offer an opportunity to reconcile, we've every right to know why they broke and what they're doing about it.

Are you a "simp" for staying with her? Possibly. You could give yourself that label. You could accept it, right?

Thing is... it's your life. Other people can, and will, think whatever the fuck they want and it doesn't change anything. I know plenty of betrayed men here on SI who've reconciled and I don't consider them simps. Life's not that simple either way.

That’s what I think about when she was at the crossroads...

At the crossroad between desire and conscience our mettle is tested. Often enough, broken people fail the test, betraying themselves.

I've been to those crossroads, and while I wasn't always perfect, l always chose the right road. Could I say that would always be true?

You want to know why she will we choose the right road when, not if, she comes to those crossroads again. Unfortunately, that's a really tough question to answer and your wayward wife's responsibility. This is the price of reconciliation.

I have often wondered about the short-sightedness that wayward spouses have. It's quite staggering.

My wife apparently trusted this lying cheating man who was betraying his own wife and family enough to have unprotected sex with him hundreds of times.

No concerns about destroying our family. No concerns about the damage her affair would have on the kids because of the increased fights and tension in the home - this is happening to some degree now.

No concern about how it would affect them if I didn't have it in me to try reconciliation, and we divorced. Or I couldn't continue, and we divorced anyway.

No concern about contracting a STD for herself or for me.

No concern about getting pregnant (she got pregnant and had an abortion all without my knowledge)

Yeah it's been hard for me thinking about all that. (Sorry I guess I'm venting a little on your thread)

But you are wrong about one thing. Yes they suffer from their mistakes. But at least in my wife's case she had an entire year of two men dating in her. Two suitors. Two sexual partners. New experiences. Different ways of doing things. Trying out fantasies. Etc... she benefitted greatly.

For a year she had her cake and ate it too...

I’m new to this platform so forgive me, I don’t know how to directly respond to each comment. But I appreciate both of your feedback. Unhinged I hope you didn’t take me saying "simp" as an insult. I guess it’s just something I battle with when I hear the outside noise of it all. My wife has shown extreme remorse. She has completely humbled herself and literally laid on her face praying to God for the evil that she did. So it’s making reconciliation easier. But forgiving is very hard.

The event! It might seem that way but she disrespected herself. I truly believe other than psychopaths most people who have committed adultery truly can’t look themselves in the mirror. Even if they are showing pride and are trying to suppress it. Deep deep down they know they did wrong. That’s why they have shame. If your ex-wife moves on and finds a husband. In the back of her head she will be saying "I hope this new guy doesn’t do what I did to my ex husband" most people can dish it but can’t take it. She’ll have to go to the grave knowing she destroyed her family. And possibly messed with yalls children’s mental. If they know

Yeah you are correct that she knew she was wrong and felt really bad for doing it. But she wouldn't have if it wasn't enjoyable.

FYI we are working on reconciliation. She is not my ex.

Man that’s what’s also hard for me too. We had only been married for 6 months. And if she didn’t enjoy it she wouldn’t have kept going back to him. Especially it being her cousins husband. But I also realize affairs are an escape from reality. She kept telling me "he never had me like you have me" well she should have never had you at all!. But he allowed her to live in a false world. Full of nice words and no accountability. And I’m sorry I read wrong I thought yall weren’t together anymore

I am going to weigh in here as one of the people who have happily Reconciled w/ my H.

Veteran of two affairs. First was a 4 year EA that I now believe was more physical (he denies it). Stonewalled. Arrogant about it. Finally ended and rugswept.

15 years later it’s now a midlife crisis affair. And after he admitted to the affair he demands a D. Yes, I’m being kicked to the curb for a much younger OW. Dday2 (because 1 just wasn’t enough) I finally had enough. I snapped. I stopped being a doormat and had to make choices that put ME (and kids) first. Told him I was D him and did the very hard 180.

(W/out consequences it was very easy for him to cheat a second time).

How we managed to Reconcile was nothing short of a miracle. To sum it up my H has changed and is no longer the lying cheating insecure attention getting jerk he had been.

Ok. Now to my main points. Sorry this is a bit long.

First, I don’t care what other people think. Yes women are looked down upon if they stay with their cheating Husband. We are called or viewed as a "loser" and more. From his affair I stopped caring what others think. Lesson 1.

Second, you can see I have an issue about his EA. I have no proof if it turned physical BUT I’m not stupid. Certain occurrences point to a physical affair. So I had to drop it and agree to disagree.

Third, I decided at year 3 of Reconciliation that my happiness was my first priority. I wasn’t going to give his affair (and stupidity) another second to negatively impact me. I prioritized my life (not him or kids) and started doing things just for me. Lesson 2.

I created my own social life. Just for me.

I started my own business as a side hustle. Then started my own business (different business) that after 5 years of hard work is finally paying off.

I have $ in the bank and a post nup. If I decide to walk out the door tomorrow I’m good. I can take care of myself. Lesson 3.

Lastly my H has shown me every day that I am a priority. He is truly remorseful and regrets his decisions to cheat and flirt etc.

During the early days of reconciliation I was never concerned about him or his mental health. It took me a year to stop waking up every day thinking "I can’t do this - I need to D him".

But the biggest thing that changed was I stopped putting him first. I rewrote my marriage so that I wasn’t going to be expected to cook and clean and do everything for him like I had been. Lesson 4.

I’m sure he’s sorry I woke up and changed my priorities. I’m certain he’s sorry he saw a side of me I never knew existed. I demanded a post nup which he willingly signed (I would not Reconcile w/out one). Now when I say NO I don’t back down. Ever! Lesson 5.

I love him and I’m happy we R. Do I see him the same? No. He planned to kick me to the curb — that’s a hard betrayal to accept on top of an affair.

But I am no longer that naive trusting person I once was. He knows that and he knows he caused that change in me. But he’d rather be with me and he shows me that every day. He regrets all of it so I choose to live in the present than the past.

Sorry this is so long but I hope it helps YOU overcome your worries and fears. I faced D head on and stared it in the face and was ready for it. Had I D I would have been happy too (not right away lol).

Life is short. It gets harder as you get older. Right now I’m at an age where there is more sad news than happy news. Don’t let your spouse’s affair drag you down. She cheated not because YOU weren’t good enough- she cheated b/c SHE wasn’t good enough.

PS - fallout from the trauma of him planning to kick me to the curb is I always have an exit plan. No matter what

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:46 AM, Friday, August 1st]

I know it is for women too but I can only speak for my gender.

I accept that you (and only you) can speak for yourself, and you can speak for yourself as you conceive of 'manhood', but you can't speak for men in general. You don't speak for me, for example - you just don't know me.

My reco is to focus on your own thoughts, feelings, questions, concerns, desires, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

I still do love my wife.

That's true for many of us. Love is a prerequisite for R, but it's not sufficient.

And I want reconciliation.

That's really important, and I believe you. I'll add that you pretty much have to keep asking yourself about what you want during and after R. I urge you to make sure R is what you want.

But it’s hard whenever you hear so much in society that you are a "simp" if you take her back. Or she will loose respect for you.

Yeah, that sort of crap is very discouraging.

My approach was to ignore messages from society and focus on what I wanted. Some of us are told to R by the people around them. Some of us are told D is the only way out. But the outside gurus know nothing about any specific individual.

You have to live your life. You bear the consequences of your decisions. And you're the one who knows yourself best. Are you selling yourself out? I know human beings can't predict the future, but ... what's the evidence that you are and are not a 'simp'.

You're not going to please everybody, so you might as well please yourself.

*****

My W is very smart (PBK,and other academic honors), perceptive, and insightful ... usually. Early in our 2nd year, I found myself contemptuous of her stupidity about her A.

If the contempt had continued, I guessed we'd have D. It didn't, so we continued on the R path.

Come to think of it, recognizing the WS's stupidity about the A is probably a requirement for R.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:23 PM, Friday, August 1st]

I agree with Sisoon.

On the Simp thing.... I think I would feel that label would fit if I had sucked it up and stayed with her knowing she was still having an affair under my nose with my knowledge. But I know that there was real fear by her AP that if I found out, that the pain I would put him through would be tremendous. So it was not a "simp" he was. He would do anything for her affection because he was submissive. BTW, I did not do anything other than tell his wife about the affair. She took care of inflicting the pain he deserved. But I did make it clear that if he came around again, he would feel real pain. He knew I was capable and willing to ruin him professionally and in other ways. He has not tried to contact her again. I also let her know that if she initiated contact, I would not offer R, and she would face the consequences of all her actions socially and legally. That does not feel like a "simp".

I was a simp before the affair. Definitely not a simp in R. That's of her own doing.

I would have walked across molten lava for her.

Now. I'll give this R thing my best shot. But if I change my mind, i'll cut her loose. If there is any choice that I'm in charge of making between my happiness and hers, mine comes first now (more often than not, it's not a choice between the two, we can both enrich our lives together). Never would have been the case before.

Way closer to Flight of the Conchord's "If You're Into It".