SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

jailedmind wrote:
You think you can do it on your own but it is a relentless beast. Back then betrayal trauma wasn't a thing. Now it's PTSD . Getting help with this early on and getting the tools to mitigate the damage is crucial. The more your neural pathways get programmed with the infidelity the worse it will be years later. And it's a lot.

Damn dude. This really got me. I did some counseling. 8 weeks worth, but I really don't think it was enough. It didn't feel much more than just someone who was willing to listen to me talk about what happened, tell me how awesomely I'm handling everything, and that he's confident I'm going to be okay.

Nrtd, maybe we should become trauma counseling buddies...

Kidding, of course, but seriously, a good trauma counselor would likely do the both of us some good. At 9 months out I'm currently on the fence/leaning heavily into R. My wife is bending over backwards to do everything right. She's done/is doing everything I ask. I can't really ask for much more, but I'm still occasionally plagued by some really strong negative emotions and flashbacks to d day accompanied by memories both real and imagined. This stuff really hurts.

This is a "reconciliation friendly" site.

And I am a proponent of genuine reconciliation when there are children involved.

But,

Sometimes, what has happened makes reconciliation impossible. Sometimes, the personalities of the people involved make reconciliation impossible. It is what it is.

How do you know? Beats me.

But at some point, it may be better for everybody to move on.

Best wishes.

So I was really struggling with whether to heal and deal with the hurt while WS was continuing to fail to grow and improve (she is avoidant and seems to struggle to overcome that). My worry was that if I stop hurting would I be letting her get away with it.

I have decided to adopt a mindset that views her as one would view an addict. That is to say, her behaviour is sad and weak and nothing to do with me. To be clear, she is not a sex addict in any way, but she has shown that she has blatantly broke our vows to chase the dopamine hit that comes from external validation. This has fuck all to do with me and everything to do with her failings as a human in a relationship.

This mindset is helping me in two ways.

1 - the family of an alcoholic suffer from their behaviour but they are in no way at fault. Same for me. This isn't a me problem. With that in mind, all the behaviour hurts a lot less (it is still totally unacceptable) and it just looks sad and pathetic. AP wasnt better, just mental junk food because WS couldn't handle having adult conversations. So I can and have been using this effectively to neutralise the overwhelming hurt I have been feeling

2 - I have clarity. If WS wont or can't do the work to overcome her shortcomings, then this won't work and I will leave. Not having an active affair isn't enough. She has to fix her avoidant ways. I won't and can't fix them for her, but I can hold her accountable. This isn't begging or sending her stuff to watch and read, this is feedback for her

Ie. "when I am flat and you say I'm punishing you, that is you failing to be with me in my pain. You are being the same person you were during the A, avoiding accountability and dealing with difficult feelings. That isn't good enough."

Etc.

Appreciate thoughts and feedback. I feel the decoupling of my recovery from hers is critical else I'll be stuck chasing and pursuing her recovery to allow me to get better. If she can't step up they're still come a period of time where enough will be enough.

Kidding, of course, but seriously, a good trauma counselor would likely do the both of us some good. At 9 months out I'm currently on the fence/leaning heavily into R. My wife is bending over backwards to do everything right. She's done/is doing everything I ask. I can't really ask for much more, but I'm still occasionally plagued by some really strong negative emotions and flashbacks to d day accompanied by memories both real and imagined. This stuff really hurts.

I am a little jealous to read this, but I am happy your WS is doing the work.

I think we need to view the WS who had the A as somebody we can't be with. This is critical. We cannot accept sharing our spouse and a spouse who had an affair isn't good enough for me. I am not sad about leaving somebody I can't be with. I broke up with a gf in uni when we grew apart (lovely girl just no longer compatible) .

So. A limited time offer for WS is to fix themselves or cya. I think Bigger posted about getting out of infidelity one way or the other. This mindset of mine is that I'm getting out of it. Finding your partnet is Wayward is like having a shitty job you thought was good but then you realise it's terrible. Fix it or I'm gonzo. I won't just pretend it's okay. Life is too short

[This message edited by nrtd at 2:50 PM, Tuesday, January 13th]

I am a little jealous to read this, but I am happy your WS is doing the work.

I think we need to view the WS who had the A as somebody we can't be with. This is critical. We cannot accept sharing our spouse and a spouse who had an affair isn't good enough for me. I am not sad about leaving somebody I can't be with. I broke up with a gf in uni when we grew apart (lovely girl just no longer compatible).

So. A limited time offer for WS is to fix themselves or cya. I think Bigger posted about getting out of infidelity one day or the other. This mindset of mine is good I'm getting out of it. Wayward is like having a shitty job you thought was good but then you realise it's terrible. Did it or I'm gonzo. I won't just pretend it's okay. Love is too short

Your previous post really struck a chord with me. That complete reframing of a way to view a WS makes sense to me, and I'm glad you've come to terms with it. I had a similar framing of my own in that way. I did/do see her as someone who I could no longer be with, and if she wasn't willing to do the work I was out and I made sure to let her know that. I just didn't put it into words as well as you did.

I hope she starts giving you what you need, but it looks like if she doesn't then you know what you will do. I'm hoping the best for you man. I really am. My wife wasn't such an understanding or willing participant at first either. It was even kind of ugly for the first couple of weeks or month after d day for me. I do know how you feel.

nrtd,

I think your last couple of posts contain a very wise understanding of your situation (and mine, for that matter).

Stay strong.