SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Here I am, still hurting, still ruminating some days and still unable to detach from this circus after 7 years and several women he's dated or "loved", along with the dozens of random ones he slept with since then. I think the second discard hit me way different than the initial infidelities did. The most recent discard was 2023 after I solved all his life issues for him again.

I have to have an income so I have to keep working for him if I want to keep eating. Financially I'm slowly sinking, and it's overwhelming. The emotional hits keep coming and lately I feel like I may never really recover from the trauma.

Hard to see how he can take each woman places he never took me. Hard to see how he makes time for them that he didn't for me. Hard to know he's not suffering, but I still am. How he referred to her as "family" in a text message once to a customer, and I wanted to vomit. He had forwarded it to me to put on the schedule.

Hard to see that the woman he's with is such a downgrade, but he choose a former meth dealer that looks ten years older than she is over me. I have refused to meet her. I've been petty and nasty in my comments toward her. He asked me what she ever did to me, and the answer is nothing but I didn't say it. He wants me to get along with her, so she can come work for him. He's met her family, and her ex and after I said some horrid things about her when I knew he was on speakerphone in his car and she could hear, it's unlikely she will want anything to do with me. She thinks I'm "crazy", which I'm sure he validated how he was the victim. I still want to hate her for existing. She is the manifestation of the death of the life I thought I would have. Now all that's left is insecurity, uncertainty, and renewed anger.

He seems to want me to accept her or at least be civil. In what world do you get to destroy a woman with repeated infidelity, then expect her to be friends with the newest woman he's hooked up with? Is that some twisted power trip? A avoidants dream to make you watch his happiness unfold after he crushed your life?

Hard to feel like I did all the work for decades and every woman since reaped the fun and benefits, while I struggle to find balance, wondering if I'll ever feel loved again. I feel bitterness, anger, and resentment toward the newest one, more so than the others before her.

Then another Surprise. He's being sued by a former female employee for sexual harassment. Another woman he had intimate contact with, although she was after he bailed out the last time. It still stings, that I worked with her, and never knew this was in the shadows.

No surprise he needs my help to sort it out. I told him he needs to get "the love of his life" to help him, and he replied "she isn't the love of my life". I know I was, but he doesn't say it. He followed it up with complaints about women in general, and how he does love her, and she's the first woman ever to say "I love you" before he did. His track record shows he can fall in "love" in a week or two, or months. He followed it up with telling me with everything that's happened to him he has almost zero sex drive. That made me smile. I hope it hurts. I wish it hurt more, he would deserve it.

I think he may settle for her. I think he may possibly marry her, or in a year or two move to the land we used to own together, if he can recover financially and afford to ever build. This of course is in a small town, my safe haven, and they would be 3 miles from me. We would run into each other if that happened. He has mentioned numerous times he "wants to move back home". He's still super salty and bitter he lost the house to me.

I insisted that if she's going to walk in my shoes she is entitled to the blisters, and she needs a baptism of fire. He said she's not "legal minded" like I am. What BS. Plain and simple he doesn't want to involve her. He knows I've saved his ass more times than I can count.

Every time I think it can't get worse, it does.

[This message edited by Muggle at 8:32 PM, Wednesday, November 5th]

I'm sorry it's so tough, Muggle. Working with him and being beholden to him for your income must make everything so much harder. I can only imagine! Is there no way to make a plan to get yourself free of that and reduce or eliminate the need to talk with him so regularly and closely?

I am also sorry you are struggling and the fact that you have to work with him and communicate so closely keeps you mired in it. Is there a way to work for him but not have to communicate about any personal life matters, just keep it strictly business. A work from home situation if that can be possible or maybe less time interacting with him. He should not be discussing his dating life with you nor introducing you to people you don't need to have any interaction with. I would be as NC except for work as you possibly can and detach from the situation. His train wreck of a life is his business and I would have no interest in it.

The phrases "I’m sorry you feel that way" and "that’s not part of my job requirements" should be standard in your vocabulary.
What you are experiencing sounds so brutal.

His problems are not your problems, but I hope you can map out a plan B and make sure you and your income are not at risk if that lawsuit has merit and he loses. He seems to splatter his shit everywhere when it hits the fan, so do what you can to protect yourself.

As for being more financially secure, what can you do to improve that? Is doing Instacart or some online side gig a possibility to give you that financial cushion?

Keep on swimming, Muggle.

I am not college educated. I was a SAHM for almost 15 years of our nearly 25 year initial relationship. I'm 62 years old, and live in a rural small town. I'm 14 miles from anything, and to go to any other larger area is 45 min to 1 hour each way.

I make $36 per hour with him. I didn't always make that but when we got back together initially I made $20. He raised my income over time as people left and he depended on me. I couldn't make anywhere near that much money anywhere else.

A big trigger issue for me is he uses his business to buy personal things. It's a small business with limited staff. I see the bank account, as I'm the one that monitors the account, so I constantly see purchases for things he does with other women. Expensive restaurants, paying her car insurance on the business, trips and hotels for the last several women he's dated. Cell phones, and trips to places he takes them.

I've seen all the things he did for the last 3 women and all the things he paid for. The internet, tv, and events he took her kids but never his own. The gift card I gave him one year that he used to take a single mom (33 years younger) and her kids to a cabin in the woods.

The newest woman one I see all the concerts, sporting events, wine tastings, and BS he has paid for, when he never did any of that when I was with him.

The worst part is him wanting to HIRE them, and then I'm triggered. In 2020 when he returned from his disaster marriage to the woman he left me for, he and I ended up back together late that year. I handled his divorce from her, and he forced us to work together. Long story short in time she and I became friendly. She no longer works for him and he believes she "ripped him off too". In 2023 he bailed again, and dated others in 2024. He briefly tried to rekindle things again in 2024 up to Valentines Day 2025 but I quickly realized he only wanted friends with benefits and cut him off entirely for romance.

Since then nearly every women he's dated he tries to hire. Every time he does that I start to spiral. He currently has the single mom working for him, although they never got intimate to my knowledge. He chased her, but couldn't seal the deal.

The newest one, he wanted to hire, and I came unglued. I don't want to know them. I don't want to work with them. It brings back anger, and triggers that stay dormant if the women stay out of my bubble.

All I want is for him to keep his purchases private where I don't see them. Don't hire anyone he's involved with, as this is my income until his business collapses or I can retire at 67. I won't have enough Social Security to really retire, but I can sell the house, relocate and probably have enough to make it work. He never sees the issue with what he's doing.

I didn't plan to be single, so I never worried that all the income was in his name. I didn't protect myself, thinking I would die with the same man. I'm missing decades of income for Social Security. No pension, and since we were common law, I have nothing other than the wages I'm getting currently. As it stands I think I'll end up with around $1400 in Social Security if I work till 67, which isn't enough to exist.

This is why these years will be my highest earning years to contribute. It's a shitty situation for sure. I haven't dated or had any desire to date in 7 years.

He still blames me saying "all women are users" when he got the sexual harassment lawsuit. He was lashing out at me over the house and settlement I got in the divorce. He takes no real accountability. He said he and the newest woman are "on the skids". Apparently I caused him trouble when she read my text a while ago about how his infidelity had impacted my life. She likely realized there was a lot she probably didn't know or she thinks he left me for her. Not my circus, let him explain.

I pointed out to him when he was extremely abrasive the other day that he'd be living in the same house if he hadn't had numerous affairs and got caught. I didn't ask for any of this. I pointed out he wasn't sorry when he surprised me with the last two affairs six weeks apart and I found out on my birthday and ended the relationship. I told him he was sorry he got caught, and then bombarded him with occasions I saved his ass, and mentioned "who used who?". He shut up after that.

Sorry for the rant. This still spills over for me, and I have not come to terms with some of this. If I didn't have any contact I think I would fully heal.

Normally when you divorce there's separation, and no contact unless you have young kids. In this situation I try for no more contact than I have to, but it's it's own kind of nightmare.

[This message edited by Muggle at 8:34 PM, Saturday, November 8th]

Until there's NC, you probably won't completely heal. With his behavior, no wonder you need to rant. Sorry that you still need to deal with him.

Muggle

Based on what you describe – misuse of company cash, sexual harassment lawsuits – and his general behavior.
How long before the IRS do an audit?
How long before a payout for the harassment lawsuit?

In other words: How sustainable is this job, and is it really worth your mental health?