SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi there,

I’m looking for some serious advice. I am super hyper vigilant I wake up with a pounding heart and really dark thoughts then I shame myself for those thoughts because it’s not me. It’s been over 2 years since I found out, I called off our wedding and I have been seriously lost since. Does this genuinely get better or am I wasting my time? My nervous system cannot calm down I’m worried about everything I have so much fear.

Shakenup

Even with the best of intentions then we would find it hard to give specific advice based on one post and the info you offer.
What I can tell you though is a couple of things:
For one, the decision of your partner to cheat has nothing do with you or what you are. It’s all about your partner and your partners faults. They cheat despite us, not because of us. Therefore NEVER accept any accountability for why they cheated.

Second: We don’t know if you two are still together, your gender, the situation, what happened, what has been done since... However... infidelity needs to be treated. I for one ignored MY pain, and it wasn’t until over 15 years later that I addressed the PTSD it gave me. Don’t ignore your emotions, but make sure you have some help in understanding them. Like if your partner has been ideal since d-day then your reactions need dealing with, but if little has changed then maybe it’s just your conscious warning you there is something going on.
More info would help us help you.

If you did opt to stay with your partner, as I did, I found that FWH was triggering just being there sometimes. No matter what, you'll have to heal from this whatever you choose.

It DOES get better, but you will have work your own healing. Time alone didn't do it for me. I had to get IC and EMDR to make a real difference.

I'm so sorry you're here.

Are you still with your partner?

If so. Is there a reason for that? Kids, house, business?

Yes I am still with my partner , we have a 5 year old boy and a life built together. Does there have to be external things in play for us to still be together? Sorry I’m just curious.

Our dday was August 2023 and I can honestly say my life has not been the same since. Does it actually get better? Can you actually heal and enjoy life?

Shaken up....sorry you find yourself here. What have you done since DD to heal and enjoy life? Without knowing what you have or haven't tried it's hard to o know how to answer your questions.

I haven’t don’t much really I’m stuck in fear.
I am on anxiety meds and do have a therapist but honestly it consumes my mind the what ifs etc.

Has your partner/husband/wife been remorseful? Have they gone no contact? So they talk about it with you or rug sweep?

My partner (male) me (female) has being doing a lot right but now I feel how do we talk about it since it’s been over 2 years. Absolutely zero contact. V remorseful but what do I do with all this pain and I question myself why would I want to stay even though I know I do but I’m so scared it can’t ever be what it was and I’m too stuck in my own head. When couples say their relationship is better than ever is that actually possible ?

When did you stop talking about it? I'm coming up to a year past DD and we talk about it a LOT but I feel if I don't process all my thoughts, feelings, questions etc I will never fully heal so I won't stop talking about it until I feel ready.

Hi Shakenup

I don’t post on here much anymore but I’m a lurker every now and again.

I saw this and resonated so much I had to chip in.

I’m 2 years out after my partners betrayal. We don’t have kids but after 13 years together we’ve built a life and it’s so so hard to let any of that go.

We don’t talk about it either. At the start of course we did but now nada and I don’t even know how to so I don’t I just live my life every day and do things with friends and family and work and we still do things together and vacations etc but yea it’s not the same. I’m not letting myself be loved, and I’m not fully loving.

There’s no ‘normal’ - however you feel is normal. Unfortunately I have no advice but more to say you’re absolutely not alone in how you feel and navigating this.

Eventually it will get to a point we have to choose to be happy with the path we’ve chosen but everyone’s healing journey is different.

X

All the advice you will get here is from individuals.

I don't personally see a reason to reconcile with someone that has cheated on you if there isn't a serious material reason to do so. Emotional reasons aren't enough, in my opinion.

Others will tell you that "staying for the kids" is wrong or that it otherwise shouldn't really factor in to the decision. I also don't advise "staying for the kids" but I do think they are a serious consideration in terms of whether or not the effort of reconciliation is worth the payoff. You say you have a kid, so that will factor in to my advice. If you didn't I would tell you to run.

You can heal and enjoy life.

I have done so, but it was a long journey.

What has he done to become a safe partner again? Therapy? Books?

Therapy is also good for you.

Couples therapy *may* be a good idea if he has dealt with his issues in individual therapy or self learning to the point where he would be an honest dealer in couples counseling.

The boilerplate books I recommend are "Not Just Friends" by shirley glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by linda macdonald.

With how far in you are time-wise, I might also recommend "How Can I Forgive You" by Janice Spring, but I wouldn't exactly recommend her affair specific book "After the Affair" since it sort of endorses blameshifting. I don't think it's intentional, but that fault makes it hard to recommend as the foundation of healing in reconciliation. Even "bad" books can have good nuggets of information though.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 8:30 PM, Monday, November 10th]

With little information, it's going to challenging to give you relevant advice. You don't need to write a novel, but can you provide a synopsis of your situation? The pertinent details would be:

-Length of your relationship and current status

-Length of the affair(s)/# of affair partners

-Date of Dday (discovery day)

-Circumstances of discovery

-Current affair status

-What your WW (wayward wife) is doing to repair (cut contact with AP? given you a complete timeline? individual therapy? etc)

-What are you doing to take care of yourself/heal

If you're worried that you're going to be identifiable based on your information, don't be. One of the saddest things about infidelity is how incredibly similar most situations are.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:02 PM, Monday, November 10th]

Yes, I do believe our relationship is better now. Honestly, it is better than I imagined it could be before I knew about the A. That being said, we’ve been both been through fire. We had been married 20 years before the A. I thought we had a great marriage. And, honestly, we did…..his A had more to do with where he was than me or our marriage.

That being said, I do triathlons and marathons for fun…..and they’re MUCH easier than recovering and reconciling. Thing is, you don’t have to commit to one direction or another. You can change your mind, if this ever feels like too much.

2-5 years is the timeframe usually quoted when people ask how long. It sounds like your WH has the possibility to be a potential candidate for R. The question is are you? Not everyone can get past it. There seems to be a cluster of people who decide at around the 5-year mark that they can't make it work.
If you can honestly say his current behavior isn't actively feeding your anxiety, than it's up to you to heal enough. If that's not possible, and that's ok if it's the case, you need to move towards ending the marriage.

I haven’t don’t much really I’m stuck in fear.

This line stands out to me. You have to heal enough that you aren't fearing a re-occurrence. That if it does happen that you will survive and thrive. That you are staying for reasons other than fear of the unknown. You need to invest in yourself first. Take steps to increase your belief in yourself. Because having someone betray you like that destroys what faith you had in yourself and your world.