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Seneca, OP isn’t married, so he will take somewhat of a financial hit but she can’t take him to the cleaners the way a spouse can. They don’t have young children together, either.

In your situation, it seems like you prioritized having your finances and your family life undisrupted over a loving, intimate, and full engaged relationship with your wife.

I’m glad that you were able to make peace with that decision, but not many people can, even though there are many who have made the same devil’s bargain that you have. There have been many people on this forum who tried to settle into "an arrangement" for the same reasons you did, only to find themselves growing more bitter, resentful, and miserable over the time.

In your situation, it seems like you prioritized having your finances and your family life undisrupted over a loving, intimate, and full engaged relationship with your wife.

I do not believe he ever mentioned why they never got married. Maybe he wanted too but she was against it? Maybe they got pregnant early and made the best of it without pulling the marriage/wedding trigger?

If she was the one who never wanted to get married, I bet she's regretting that decision now. The institution of marriage does provide certain protections. It may be somewhat outdated in today's age (which we've had many discussions about here) but his girlfriend is free to be dropped like a bad habit at a drop of the hat especially since the kids seem to be over 18.

I know, Scott, you've written that you want to move on this fast and she's trying to delay it-

You have a daughter's wedding coming up- I'm assuming it's going to be a summer wedding? Have you thought about how that day will unfold? Obviously, it's your daughter's day and her feelings and wishes should be taken into the fullest of account. But do you plan to sit next to your girlfriend during the vows? Have you thought about how you will handle having your daughter and her partner exchanging vows of loyalty and faithfulness (if traditional vows) to each other while sitting next to your unfaithful girlfriend? Could be rather triggering and hard to get through.

Do you plan to dance with your girlfriend after the father/daughter dance? (Again, I'm assuming the norms of a traditional wedding...?) There's a bunch of little things that will occur that will require a pretty exceptional acting performance from both you and your girlfriend. Happy, smiling pictures together? The toasts to the happy couple? I know you will do the best for your daughter but best of luck to you getting through it if you plan to go to the wedding with your girlfriend and continue the charade of a happy, together long-term couple...

Of course, the petty cynical side of me might be tempted to tell the girlfriend you want to act fast and get all this settled before the wedding because you plan to take a date to the wedding. That sort of thing is generally frowned on and will open up all sorts of problems that your daughter would not appreciate at all. But oh!... the temptation would be there...
'

Good luck with everything and continue detaching from her. Stay cordial to her in front of the kids- have the kids been informed of the situation or are you waiting until graduation and the wedding is completed? Again good luck

Sadly, the kids all found out before I did. While I was out of town for work, "stepson" went to a restaurant and saw her with AP, took a picture and circulated to all the kids asking who he was. My daughter (biological) broke down and confirmed a week later what I already had found out in that time. They were all upset with her initially, but she's been able to control narrative with her 3 kids so now its devolved a little bit into a polarized relationship between her 3 and my daughter. It really sucks.

We had planned to get married initially but wanted to get some finances in order first, then I lost my brother unexpectedly at a young age so that was a tough period. A couple years later we lost my 16 year old son so another setback, and then my previous firm folded and we had to start a new business from scratch. I guess we just never picked up the idea after that. Thats the kicker: I thought we'd survived so much that we were fairly galvanized as a couple, and she had mentioned and emoted that many times through the years.

We took her struggling grandfather to lunch together today and definitely played the charade of "happy family" to a tee, so I have no doubt we can keep it going until the wedding. I keep getting these One Drive photo memories of last year and its shitty to see just how much life has changed in 12 months. I appreciate everyone here...

Of course, the petty cynical side of me might be tempted to tell the girlfriend you want to act fast and get all this settled before the wedding because you plan to take a date to the wedding. That sort of thing is generally frowned on and will open up all sorts of problems that your daughter would not appreciate at all. But oh!... the temptation would be there...

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about that very thing. Unfortunately, I think after the wedding I'd feel pretty rotten about all of it, or rather, more rotten that I will already feel watching a girl I raised embark on her journey as mine crumbles.

[This message edited by scottmklamath at 2:38 AM, Thursday, April 30th]

Scott:

Damn... did the kids know for sure the GF was cheating on you? Did the pic show hand-holding or kissing in the photo? Or did they go to her and she confirmed to them a romantic relationship and then began to spin her story?

Did your biological daughter come to you with the information before you told her of her mom's affair or did you tell her y'all were having problems and then she broke down and said they knew because of the picture? (sorry if that's too confusing... hopefully you see what I'm getting at)

While the stepchildren protecting the mom is somewhat understandable (blood thicker than water bs) the biological daughter is a bit murkier but she is still young. Hopefully, you have not learned any information that leads you to believe any of the kids actively covered or assisted their mother in her affair.

I'm assuming it's a step-daughter getting married? Have you contributed to the costs of the wedding or is her mom and biological dad funding it? If her father has an active role in his daughter's life then your role during the wedding will probably be reduced so my advice above may not be too relevant. You may have to just consider yourself as your STBXGF's plus one and act accordingly... you know your relationship with your stepdaughter best. Hopefully it was a close relationship but if not, you may want to inform her that you do not wish to be in any of the official photographs because pretty soon you will no longer be with her mother and does she (the SD) really want you in the photographs where years later you'll be just some guy her mother dated for a time? Again, you know your relationship with your stepdaughter..

The ripples of the consequences of infidelity really have no end, do they?

Nuke,

I never saw the pic but stepson said it was sitting on the same side in a booth, close, etc. Behavior pretty much said it all. He's a 17 year old boy so if he could figure it out...

Daughter is mine, we don't share any kids biologically. Blended family. She struggled with making that phone call to me and I understand it.

Its step daughter wedding and she and the fiancee's family funded it so I don't have much financial contribution there. She and I have grown closer last few years so it definitely blows. She was definitely upset with her Mom initially, but I think they've been exposed to a heavy dose of "there's nothing going on, just friends" and blameshifting toward me. Honestly, they've all got their own shit going on so I don't think the kids have really felt a jolt with the exception of my daughter. She wants me to cut bait and run for my life...she's very protective of her Dad:)

Nuke, my comment was for Seneca in regards to why he's chosen to stay married and why his situation is different than Scott's. I never asked Scott why he didn't get married; frankly, I think it's irrelevant as to why his girlfriend chose to cheat.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:57 PM, Thursday, April 30th]

Update: While I was waiting some final bank approval for the "forever home" and getting ready to present my offer, got a text from our youngest ("stepson") indicating he went to a restaurant with his girlfriend and saw WW with AP holding hands in the bar. He sat on that info for a day then cornered me and explained that he thought what his Mom was doing was BS and he felt compelled to tell me. He was in tears and frustrated, because apparently 3 months ago when they were caught in the exact same situation, she promised stepson that she would end it with AP if thats what he wanted. He emphatically told her he wanted she and I to work it out and so she promised to go NC with AP. Fast forward to yesterday, and he calls his sister to see what he should do, only to find out from her that contact really never stopped. So WW has alienated her youngest son and created a tornado in the household. I presented my offer on the investment property and said if she felt compelled to drag this through court I didn't see a path where we could even work together either.

She responds by saying she will get her own appraisal and every dime she can so I fired her on the spot. Now I'm wading through the wreckage of the business and home life in tatters and have to live in this for the next 2 months or whenever until we get this sorted out.

Zero empathy, zero remorse, and a steady diet of telling me just how all of this is truly my fault.

ugh

Sorry, Scott. That really sucks. I hope you know it’s not your fault. You probably do but I’ll say it anyway. Zero empathy, zero remorse. My own experience is that people like that stay that way. She’ll be demanding apologies from everyone else while refusing to offer any of her own. It’s so frustrating and hurtful. I’m sorry for you, and I’m sorry for she put your stepkids in that situation. If she’s not careful the damage she’s doing with them will be enduring.

Ugh so disappointing but not surprising.

Time to switch to pure business mode. See your lawyer and protect yourself and your assets.
Sounds like she is not going to play nice.

Hang in there.

Sorry to hear this, but not surprised. She is really following the cheaters pattern. Very hurtful to you, but a pretty common response really. Be prepared for her anger, treating you like you are the cheater not her. It’s a self-protective behavior. Do see an attorney and get your interactions limited to D and finance issues, and custody matters. She is not your friend. Do not engage or argue with her. She will only try to hurt you, and use what you say against you. Keep it formal and arms length. Sending support.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:45 AM, Friday, May 8th]

Thanks everyone. There's also a heavy dose of the pitch to work on being friends first and just build from there, all the while seeing AP behind my back. If I'm being honest, I've regressed to DDay-like feelings and depression, which is frustrating in its own regard. I thought I'd made better progress, but family has told me they sensed I was holding onto too much hope in the back of my mind, and perhaps they are right.

Of course she wants to be friends. If you are still friends she can tell herself that what she has done isn’t so bad. It’s all about her. Your real friends don’t lie and cheat behind your back. Always value yourself. Just detach as much as possible and work on your own healing. Become a gray rock when dealing with her. Learn the response: "I’m sorry you feel that way." It’s all that’s needed.

Her kid seems to like you more than his mom right now.

And that’s just another "thing" to pile on to an already crappy situation.

I think it’s best that you know the truth and can act accordingly. While your life is in a crazy situation right now, things will calm down. You just have to believe in yourself and keep moving forward, especially with the business.

Just when it seems like you can’t take on another problem or issue, one appears. In your case it’s the "stepson" situation. I’m glad the kid can see what his mom is doing is wrong but it’s just another thing to deal with right now.

But I know you will do the right thing and become free of the lying cheating person you were with.

You deserve better.

Maybe you were holding out too much hope, or maybe you were just being actively deceived. Wasn’t that long ago she was saying to you that "she just didn’t want to get played". All why actively playing you. The fucking audacity.

Fareast said it well. She doesn’t really want to be friends, she just wants to be excused. Telling you she’s going to take you for every dime she can get shows you what kind of friend she really is.

I’d probably tell her something like "I wanted to be together forever. I never could have imagined that this is how it would end. I will not be your friend going forward. I would never be friends with someone who could treat me this way. When our separation is over, I will wish you the best, but other than regarding the kids I never want to see or hear from you again."

I also think she also has no idea how bad she messed up by lying to her son like that. It’s not irreparable, but how he sees her is forever changed, I can tell you that.