SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello again everyone. To clarify, there were two guys that I know of … The wife of a current coworker of her’s contacted me and told me that she found messages between my wife and her husband that were way too intimate and inappropriate. My wife maintains nothing was going on between them. While I was investigating their relationship, I ended up uncovering a very long-term affair with a former coworker that started 14 years ago.

Update: I ended up contacting the long term affair guy’s wife. She was shocked and had zero idea anything like that was going on between them. I forwarded her their emails so she could see for herself. I felt some relief to get it off my chest. But it didn’t make me feel good that her family is ruined now much like mine. I’m fully aware it’s their fault for engaging in their affair but I do feel really bad for her and her kids as much as me and my own. I don’t feel guilty for telling her, but I do feel sad about all of this. I’m following your advice and not telling my wife that I called the other wife to see if she mentions anything about it. So far she hasn’t said anything.

My wife has pretty much destroyed three families, one being her own. It’s incredibly difficult and confusing to think she was so selfish and capable of doing any of this. I’m incredibly angry at her but at myself too for not seeing any of this earlier. My therapist says I need to stop taking any blame but it’s very hard to not think about what I may have ignored for so long.

You did the right thing. Well done. The OBS now has her agency back and in the long run she will appreciate what you did for her. Don’t feel bad for not reading the signs earlier. You trusted your WW as a normal partner would do, and in fact she used your trust and abused it to carry on her A. The shame is all hers to carry.

When you hear hoofbeats, you think horses, not zebras. Infidelity is a zebra. Loyal spouses hear horses. Don’t blame yourself at all.
Over time you may start to see things that you glossed over or gave her more benefit of that doubt than evidence observed. But ALL of us missed the signs because we believed our spouses would never do this.

And good job telling the other OBS. It IS sad, but not because of what you did. All the WS and APs own the damage here.

Hang in there.

What many of us didn’t initially realize, is that the betrayed spouse is already destined for divorce, one form of divorce or the other, whether it’s an emotional divorce and a miserable life mired in limbo, or a formal definitive divorce, we were all heading breakneck towards a form of divorce whether we wanted it or not.

The only one with the power to change that fact, is the wayward spouse. The only one with the ability to save the marriage is the one who broke it.

I would take the initiative and start down that road to divorce with resolve, and not slow your pace, pause or alter your course unless compelled to do so by the impressive actions of your WS.

This empowers the betrayed spouse.

It’s scary and overwhelming, especially with kids and financial issues, but as you start putting together your escape plan, the vision of a hopeful, promising new life begins to take shape strengthening your resolve with every step.

When you’re confident with your escape plan, you won’t settle for anything less than an authentic reconciliation and marriage.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:38 PM, Saturday, April 18th]