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3 months post DDay, quick background if not known. WS had a 4 month EA with coworker. Mainly phone calls, texting and progressed to agreeing and discussing to meet outside of work for sex. First 2.5 months, I did a 180 and last couple weeks I’ve begun to show some kindness, allowed more conversations and shown emotions.

Things I’ve observed from WS since DDay:

1. Stopped contact w/AP

2. Started process to transfer out of office, he says bc he wants to remove himself from the environment but also bc he knows it will always be a trigger for me everyday he goes into work. This process may take minimum 6 months and likely a lot more. There has to be an opening, he has to apply and be selected. Not a quick or easy process, but he’s set on it.

3. Shared phone location. Sharing wearing abouts, which he usually did but now I have location. Access to phone logs through phone carrier.

4. Began individual counseling. This one shocked me, he’s not the type of person who "believes" in counseling. The couple times we’ve done counseling throughout our marriage has been because I’ve asked him to do it, while I searched it and booked it. He has not shared anything about it, so I don’t know what topics he’s starting with…he has child sexual abuse trauma which has never been addressed. I did search up the place he chose and it specializes in trauma and in people who serve/first responders(WS works in this field) but provides all counseling services. According to the business card he left on his nightstand, he’s meeting with a clinical psychologist who specializes in marriage/family and PTSD.

5. He also ask how I’m feeling, if I have any questions or just need to talk. He apologizes randomly in situations that he believes may be triggering to me.

This is WS second affair. First affair was 10 years ago, a 1 night stand, he did a polygraph then and we did some marriage counseling. He didn’t seem truly remorseful and wanted to sweep under the rug. I eventually forgave and moved past it. This time we both reacted completely different. I was done, strong and did 180. He seems remorseful, and doesn’t want to sweep it under the rug and actually wants to do the hard work this time around. The individual counseling seems to be helping him emotionally mature, and understand the damage he’s caused and also maybe steps he can take.

I guess I’m still watching, waiting, healing, and deciding. It’s still very early, I know I’ve been through this. But what I do know is I’m focused on my healing this time, even though I haven’t offered him R or D, he also seems to be focused on my healing. We have also been parenting our kids smoothly since we both agreed they are priority and don’t want the home to be toxic or uncomfortable.

[This message edited by chica1 at 5:04 AM, Sunday, April 12th]

Chica that’s sounds like a good direction. Because I understand it was his proactive choice this time, it wasn’t pushed by you.

The moment you reclaimed your worth and self respect with the 180 he got the message that you are a person not an item and there are consequences to choices.

You broken the last veil of his fantasy delusion and maybe that woke up the man inside the broken shell of the wayward partner.

So if this checks out then I am happy for you.

Now you say you are feeling able to show emotion and some level of intimacy, and this is fine if is coming from a place of strength (as it looks like) and now of begging, pick me dance.
I think you don’t have to overthink it, trust yourself and your nervous system. You are right to be careful because this is not her reconciliation, but is setting the basis for it’s foundation once you both are fully healed and reconnected at a level where trust can begin to be rebuilt.

But I am sensing some good vibe from you. Good one lady

This sounds pretty positive, but I think you're right to not let your guard down. 3 months isn't long enough to determine if there will be lasting change. I'm a year out from d day, my wife has been doing and saying a lot of the right things for almost that whole time, but I'm still wary. No longer hyper vigilant, but wary still.

I remember where I was at 3 months out, and tbh I'm not in an entirely different mindset now, but I am starting to feel a lot better about where we are now. I'm beginning to trust again, if just a little bit.

I think you did well to pull the 180. You're letting him know this isn't going to be swept under the rug. You're doing well to focus on your own healing this time, and I don't think it's a bad thing for him to consider your healing as well. He can help you with that, but his main focus should be on his own healing.

As Sisoon often says - BS heals themselves, WS heals themselves, then together you heal the relationship. He has work to do. Lots of it, especially as he's still working with his AP. That makes things a lot more complicated, as I'm sure you know.

I see these as mostly good signs tho. Wishing the best for you both.

My W was an 'ideal' remorseful WS, and I wish I had waited longer than 90 days to commit to R. The reason is that I treid to stuff my uncertainty. I think I might have had an easier time if I had held off committing.

IOW, maybe your WS is committed and will follow through; maybe not. One simply can't know this soon. You've decided to wait and watch before saying you're in R, and I think you're making a good choice.

Shirley Glass wrote of a period of 'working on the M' for people who are still gathering data before moving to R or D. It makes sense to me. If your WS effs up again 10, 12, 18 months out, I just think it's too easy to say to oneself 'Damn! I failed at R.' If he effs up, it's much better to be able to say, 'I'm glad I decided to watch and wait.'

If this were a first Dday, I would say these are great signs that R is possible.

But this is the second affair that you are aware of. The fact that he saw what the first affair did to you and did it again can't be dismissed.

As for doing the right things, well, he's been through this rodeo before. He knows what he should do. But just because he has the lyrics memorized doesn't mean that the song comes from his heart.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:05 PM, Monday, April 13th]

Waiting and observing before committing to R is wise. He's made some promising choices. But as BTB pointed out - this isn't his first appearance at the infidelity rodeo. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice..... and all that. And, y'all have been down the MC, church counseling, marriage retreats, infidelity book reading, "save the marriage" rabbit hole before. He's well versed on exactly what he needs to do! But he betrayed again anyway. IC for him alone is the newest twist. Let's hope he's doing IC for HIMSELF, that his heart is in it 'cause he might benefit from IC whether you go or stay.

Reminder = Only repeated, observable trustworthy actions and consistent commitment to healing and transparency demonstrated over TIME will show if he's worthy of even attempting R. Agree - three months is way too soon to initiate R - especially with a repeat offender. So don't let your guard down too soon!

Wondering about transparency in this NEW era of your evolving relationship. You mention he's sharing his phone location and access to phone logs. That doesn't feel like much - not exactly an exemplary transparency effort in the aftermath of infidelity! Don't want to assume anything - maybe you're okay with minimal transparency, or maybe you and he already share information on certain things so you didn't mention those things in the OP. Or is there a power differential in the relationship where he controls the information, or where he feels entitled to "privacy"?

InMyExperience, complete transparency was absolutely necessary to begin rebuilding (and to calm my hyper-vigilance), and that transparency included access to EVERYTHING. How else could I observe trustworthy actions, and how else could we create a NEW marriage based on mutual openness and shared responsibility? After the trauma of infidelity, he had to rethink what privacy looks like. Privacy and secrecy are two different concepts, but cheaters often invoke their "sacred right to privacy" to protect their secrecy. Or use DARVO around privacy to guilt the BS into backing off "If you can't trust me without checking up on me what's the point?" etc. We had to hash this out and make sure he understood the difference, and that he understood info access was all about helping me feel safe, not me controlling him. ETA: And why his definition of privacy was a moot point in our Marriage Mark II if he wanted to stay.

If your H is committed to healing and rebuilding, he should understand that sharing ALL access so information remains mutual, open and above board is super important to build trust; to recreate the marriage. Guessing if you do attempt R, you don't want that old marriage back :-). And equal access to info shared with an open heart is key to helping your healing! Your H is now sharing his phone location which is a start....

What about sharing his PHONE? Do you have the passcode and does he encourage you to go through his phone without asking first? Maybe I'm missing something, but access to phone logs through the phone carrier doesn't cover App usage like WhatsApp, email, note sharing (I've heard of people using Google Docs to secretly communicate)...... or how he's using his phone (maps, photos, browsing, porn, contacts, buying stuff and on and on). There's a gazillion ways to use a phone as a secrecy tool or to communicate on a phone besides simple phone calls!

Is he on social media? If so, seems you should have access to that - ETA: including DMs. After the betrayal my H deleted all his social media (his choice) and hasn't been back on since.

What about Email? Laptop or iPad? Sharing his calendar? ETA: Bridge/Hwy toll device billing records?

Credit, checking and savings, venmo type accounts, online home shopping accounts - do you have access? Do you share finances or is his money HIS money? You're married so 1/2 the $$ is YOUR money - by law. Don't neglect tackling the tough subject of how finances are shared (or not) in the marriage as part of the relationship reckoning initiated by his lying and cheating. Taking care of yourself (and the kids!) after infidelity must include financial self-care.

Look, no one wants to play marriage cop forever, nor should they. Whether the outcome is D OR R gotta eventually let go of that hyper-vigilance or you can make yourself sick, mentally and physically. But..... You're in the "gathering data" phase Sisoon mentioned. Not sure if you're truly able to gather data or truly able to accurately observe (or heal/recreate the marriage) if you don't have equal access to all information.

Yes, in today's high tech reality there are myriad ways a motivated cheater could keep secrets. Or keeping secrets could be low-tech and simple.... like hiding an old-school burner phone. Yet, seems seeds of doubt/mistrust and continued hyper-vigilance (and the possibility of more kept secrets) might fester if he's not 100% willing to be transparent with ALL tech/media/info at hand. And controlling which info you're allowed to see is, IMO, a huge flapping red flag.

Hoping the best for you Chica!

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 9:58 PM, Wednesday, April 15th]

Is he on social media? If so, seems you should have access to that. After the betrayal my H deleted all his social media (his choice) and hasn't been back on since.

Social media for the most part are a sexual and validation marketplace.

Exception being professional reasons or anonymous self improvement sites like this one.

Everywhere it’s pictures, chats, meeting between genders there is sexuality involved. Acting upon it or not, is irrelevant, that you linger there is telling.

So unless you have a good reason to use this type of media, it makes no sense you stay on it if you’re in a relationship, because relationships are between the partners, nothing to share with outsiders.

Even emails are used as a medium for flirting and cheating as we know well, so if you need to advertise yourself in such a marketplace is a big fat red flag 🚩 for your partner, unless it’s your business or you need for very valid reasons and you give full transparency.

That your husband deleted all is not coincidental and I believe it’s a good thing.