SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just got concrete proof that my husband has been cheating with escorts. Ive had a gut feeling for a while, but my husband is a master liar and manipulator and had me doubting my instincts.

Back story - my husband and i have been together for 11.5 years, about 3 years ago I found out my husband had relapsed and was using drugs again. We met each other in recovery, so being familiar with addiction, I tried everything in my power to help. Well, I gave birth to our daughter 19 months ago. Things got worse from there. About 2 months after giving birth I found a lot of texts with random numbers about hooking up and escort lingo (had to look things up). I confronted him and he denied everything and said it was my post partum depression making me crazy. I continued to find pictures sent to him of naked women, talking about rates, and availability. I brought it up to him numerous times and each time it was a serious of lies or making me feel like it was all in my head. At the same time he was still using and lying about that and not coming home, or leaving in the evening and not coming back until the next day. Anyhow, all of this has been going on for over 19 months now. I recently saw texts from a woman asking when he was coming back to see her. I contacted her and she told me that hes been paying her for sexual acts. She told me about another woman who told me the same and that they were using together as well. So, now every instance where my gut said "this is sketchy, he's cheating" I'm pretty sure was correct.

I was furious after he didnt come home one night this week, to go see this woman. I told him to get out and I knew about what he'd been doing. Had a huge fight, said he wasnt leaving and I was crazy. I can't be with this man anymore. But for mine and my daughters sake I can't leave yet. Ive been a stay at home mom since my daughter was born and he has complete financial control, we dont have a joint account or anything, ive had to use all of my savings to provide for my daughter and myself. He pays the mortgage, electric, insurance, phone, etc. But I pay for quite a few bills too, even with no income. He has never bought diapers, formula, clothes, etc for our girl. I am hurt, angry, confused, and feel so stupid that I didn't trust my gut when I should have.

Im not sure what to do. Im not leaving yet bc I dont have the financial means to. I guess any advice, words of wisdom, or encouragement would be helpful.

[This message edited by SunshineSeeker at 3:25 AM, Saturday, April 18th]

Hi sunshine,

Welcome to the club nobody wants to join.

You will get better and stronger you ever were after this ordeal, sure it doesn’t feel like right now, but you’ll see this is not only survivable, it can even turn into empowering with the right healing.

Still it fucking sucks, so let’s begin by addressing the most urgent issue right now, your pain.

I hear you sister, people here will all hear you and this is important for you right now. Not to be told "it will be okay " this is one of the times when it is not ok.

You underwent betrayal trauma, it’s abuse, one of the worst there is. You are undergoing a wave of emotions that we often call the roller coaster from hell, because your attachment was wounded and your inner world, identity and reality shattered.
It is extremely important that you don’t compress these emotions because it will crush you, you need to let them out, no matter how incoherent or logical they might seem, what is critical to you is to be heard.

And you are heard.

Now, about the moron:

Yes your gut was right all along, that’s almost always the case, even when is "not" is usually us shushing the intuition and burying our heads under the sand to ignore the red flags 🚩.

That’s because cheaters self delude themselves into thinking they are "James Bond sipping champagne from a crystal flute and slaying the stage" when in reality is just the circus clown drinking stale piss from a plastic cup while stumbling around like an idiot (thanks Bruce for this image she nailed it)

He did it all by the book, literally followed the checklist ticking all the boxes:
- childish deception that a baby can spot
- 3 years old lies and excuses
- gaslighting you
- denial and false accusations

It’s pathetic and you would laugh at this idiot if just wasn’t so disgusting and infuriating what he did to you.

This is for you to understand that this was never about you, no fault or flaw from your side, nothing you could have done to prevent it because you were never ever offered the choice.

It is ALL on him, and you must respond by placing you first, not reacting to his chaos, but following up with consequences.

Right now your wound says you that you are not chosen, not enough, replaceable. This is not true, is your nervous system trying to find a reason, a why in what happened, and also still protecting the image of the person you loved.

Because if it can find a reason there must be something you can do to prevent this pain to hit you in the future.

That’s our own emotional reaction and we all have it, so it is normal but thankfully it is also not true what our wounds tell us.

You will learn more here in time, I just wanted to share it with you as it might help you to now follow the self bashing little demon that often hits freshly betrayed partners.

Now, what matters the most is you. Your healing. You come first in this moment, forget about the guy because he is not worthy a second of your time right now, it is you as a woman and a mom the only one that matters right now.

You can’t leave yet you said. So you are forced to endure the presence of your abuser. And he is still under his ego validation dopamine high, he has no regret or even just shame yet, he is full on in cheater mode as I understand, this means is absolutely toxic for you right now.

Until this changes, wether you manage to physically get away from him or he wakes up from his bullshit and realizes just what the hell he has done, you need to protect yourself.

Read in the healing library about the hard 180. Talk here and ask for suggestions, people who have been through this maybe even before me and you were born have a lot of wisdom that can share and help you navigate this chaos.

I feel for you and you are going to make it sister.
Trust your instincts and believe you will get better.

Here and now matters, don’t worry about tomorrow, you will get there when is time.

You have been heard.

You need to plan your exit from this nightmare. He’s not going to change his mindset that "you are delusional" because it gives him what he wants or needs.

Do you have support network? Family, friends etc that can help you.

If not, start creating one.

Get copies of every legal document you can find and give to a trusted friend. That includes tax returns and bank statements and bills and deed to house and retirement account statements, his pay stubs —all of it.

See a lawyer. Alimony and child support will be required here.

Find a place to stay temporarily until you can get a permanent residence if possible.

Start saving any $ you can — if you need to sell things, then do so.

I’m sorry for you — you deserve better. Deep down there is a good person inside your H but he’s just not the guy you married right now. You need to get away from him. You don’t have anything to work with.

1st Wife - thank you for taking the time to post! I have 2 close friends and my mom. All 3 of them know whats going on and are incredibly supportive. I'm trying to get finances in order, which is tricky because he has kept me off of and out of so many things. My name isnt on the house and I just found out he took my name off of the title of my car (was in both our names). He never wanted to do a joint bank account, so he gave me his credit card to use for groceries.
Honestly, I'm playing nice right now bc I want to get my name back on my car title and get half of our tax refund before leaving. (I feel like a bad person saying that, but it would be for our daughters benefit).
I have a list of attorneys recommended to me and will be contacting them to find the best fit.

The absolute whirlwind of emotions is exhausting. And trying to keep them all masked (especially in front of my toddler) is even more so.