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Not sure if this is normal or typical or to be expected but here I am about 27 months out and lately anger and not caring has displaced my other feelings. Maybe I have entered the plain of lethal flatness?

Everything was going along pretty well. After D-Day I set a hard boundary of no texting male coworkers. A week ago my wife left her phone at home and for some reason I thought to go through her text messages and discovered that she had texted with a male coworker at her part-time job. She works the tasting bar at a Cooper's Hawk restaurant

The back and forth was minimal and innocent but one text stood out. He said you should pick up so-and-so's shift, after all it is a Wednesday and this sent me spiraling.

My thoughts instantly went to there is something going on when she works a Wednesday shift with this guy and that's why he's asking her to pick up a Wednesday shift. Down the rabbit hole I went. I felt like I was back where I was 2 years ago

By the time she got home I had managed to dial it down a bit and when she walked into the kitchen I said I need a word with you upstairs and she could tell something was wrong. We went upstairs and I asked why are you texting with a male coworker? She said I am not initiating conversation with anyone nor have I deleted any text messages. I have to maintain a professional friendly relationship with coworkers. I said 2 years ago your affair started with a simple good morning text and ended up with you saying something about sitting in his lap in your office should the opportunity present itself.

I said 2 years ago I set a hard boundary of not texting male coworkers and yet here you are doing it. She said I am not initiating conversation and I don't see how it's any different than me talking to a male coworker at work. I said it is you violating the boundary I set of not texting with male coworkers. I said there is no reason for you to respond to which she replied so do you think it's better that I don't reply and then you are left wondering how I replied the next time we work together?

She asked do you want me to tell him that my husband says I am not allowed to text with male coworkers and I said no because that makes me look like a Hitler. What I should have said was yes but you also have to include that 2 years ago my husband discovered that I was exchanging sexual text messages with a married coworker and that's why I can't text with male coworkers

I told her this has brought up emotions in me that I haven't had to deal with in a long time and I feel like this has been a huge setback in our R.

There was some more back and forth and I ended the conversation with if I discover any more messages, no matter the nature, the relationship is over and I walked out of the bedroom.

Since then I seem to be moving more and more towards not caring whether or not the relationship continues. It seems like no matter what I will never be at peace or comfortable or feel secure in the relationship

Has anyone else gone through a stage where 2 years repressed anger is finally manifesting itself?

[This message edited by WB1340 at 3:12 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

She asked do you want me to tell him that my husband says I am not allowed to text with male coworkers and I said no because that makes me look like a Hitler.

Preamble:

First. Who gives a fuck?

Have you or her any need of randoms external validation?

Second. By the way, do you see how this sentence is kind of poisoned?

Does she have to say "My husband does not want me to text male coworkers"? Why can't she tell "I do not text with male coworkers"?

Aren't we switching victim and abuser here?

---

Then, I don't question that what she laments is sensible, reasonable, if she can't pick her coworkers she might be force to interact with males.

But if you both agreed on your boundary then it must be respected, or eventually expanded to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy. Evolve it, talk and agree about, not ignore it.

She made some valid points but you have your reasons for being triggered.

Can she see it and is she open to understand it, or is choosing darvo?

That's the important conversation to have.

--- about your anger question. Yes, repressed anger will not go away. If you cannot give it an exit or channel it, it will do one of two things:

- Explode
- Destroy you. Mentally, physically, even your health.

unprocessed emotions will fester, anger is one of those.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 4:05 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

"Professional" does not necessarily equal "friendly."

This coworker should not even have her number.

She didn't have to reply to the first text at all. She could have received the text, remembered the boundary, disclosed the text to you, let you know how she planned to address it, and waited til she got back into work to let the coworker know she doesn't text with males.

She absolutely does not have to implicate you at all in the maintenance of that boundary, nor is she required to offer any explanation at all for having it. She can just say "This is a boundary I have and I am maintaining. Please respect that," and that can be the end of the conversation.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and she responded that way, WB1340. Your boundary here is perfectly reasonable and you know that. It makes sense that you're angry about it being violated.

"Professional" does not necessarily equal "friendly."

This coworker should not even have her number.

She didn't have to reply to the first text at all. She could have received the text, remembered the boundary, disclosed the text to you, let you know how she planned to address it, and waited til she got back into work to let the coworker know she doesn't text with males.

She absolutely does not have to implicate you at all in the maintenance of that boundary, nor is she required to offer any explanation at all for having it. She can just say "This is a boundary I have and I am maintaining. Please respect that," and that can be the end of the conversation.

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and she responded that way, WB1340. Your boundary here is perfectly reasonable and you know that. It makes sense that you're angry about it being violated.

Morbs is right.

Is a very good point.
A reformed/ reforming wayward would come to you to disclose first if a boundary was put at risk not by her initiative and consult you how to approach within reason this empasse.

You had to find out.
Doesn't mean she is betraying you again just yet, but is for sure a taking your boundary too lightly, not respectfully enough.

She didn't initiate, but she didn't even come to you first.

Your WS has to want to be safe and make you FEEL safe.

Ask her why she doesn’t want to do that.

More important, she should be the one taking the lead on it and not blaming you for being upset.

It ain’t paranoia if bad shit has already happened in your M!

There are meeting notices, emails, etc., that my wife would get, but if anything out of bounds or weird or extra, conversation around work related communication, my wife pointed it out to me. And after a while, I didn’t sweat it, because my wife no longer needed the ‘approval’ of her coworkers and respond to them if it wasn’t work related.

I wasn’t asking for control, I was asking for her consideration.

Once she showed she was looking out for me, for us again — I was good.

I haven’t checked her phone in five years, for anything. Because none of wants to be a detective (or a Hitler) as a spouse.

Your wife needs to take your feelings into consideration first.

Does she have to say "My husband does not want me to text male coworkers"? Why can't she tell "I do not text with male coworkers"?

That is a thought that gives me pause. When she received the text her response SHOULD have been to ignore it, show it to me, ask me how I wanted her to handle it. But she did none of that. She replied and thinks just because she didn't delete it, knowing I could find it, that all is well. She put him before my boundary because she didn't want to appear unfriendly. Once again, I am in second place

This coworker should not even have her number

The app the restaurant uses for scheduling, trying to get someone to cover your shift, includes people's phone numbers for some reason. She showed it to me a while back. I believe this is foolish on the part of the restaurant because they are giving access to employee phone numbers.

Looks like I have another pleasant conversation to look forward to tonight :/

I feel for you, I get it, but I don't know, if you are done you are done. The boundary of not texting male coworkers is simply not practicable with jobs where communication happens on personal phones and shift coverage is discussed among coworkers. I'm not going to call it unreasonable because I understand how you feel about it, but this is interfering with her job. I don't think delving into the idea of her telling her coworker that she cheated and that's why she can't text about schedules with males is a productive way forward. If that's where you are, then that weighs towards if you're done you're done to me.

The boundary of not texting male coworkers is simply not practicable with jobs where communication happens on personal phones and shift coverage is discussed among coworkers

If they have an app where they can arrange shift reassignment/coverage, there's no reason to text. I understand from experience that not every employee checks their app and responds to requests/offerings in a timely manner, but if that's the case, they're just going to have to adapt. Call the employer the day before and explain that you tried getting your shift covered and nobody wanted it, so you are officially calling off and they will have to deal with the short staffing... If WB1340's wife was to say "Do not text me," that should be the end of it. And if the texting persists after that, she can go to management about harassment.

In fact, she could go to management right now and say she's not okay with them giving her phone number out, and then it would be their responsibility to fix that. Will they do anything about it? Maybe, maybe not. But it's a matter of whether WB1340's reassurance is more important to her than convenience of communication or how she is socially perceived. What she chose and how she's defending it speaks volumes, and I am honestly angry for him.

ETA: Even if it could reasonably be argued that texting was necessary for her job, she could have come to WB1340 and said "I know we agreed that I am not to text any of my male coworkers, but I'm having issues balancing that boundary with my job's responsibilities and expectations... Is there a way we can rework that boundary or find a solution together so that I can communicate with coworkers while making sure you're still comfortable?"

[This message edited by GotTheMorbs at 6:21 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

It appears from the description of the scheduling app that there is an expectation or a common practice to text on personal phones about coverage at work. I don't know your familiarity with these types of industries/jobs, but sometimes it is just not going to work if you cannot text with your coworkers. There are lots of great arguments why it shouldn't be that way, but please believe me that this is the way it is with many if not most dining, entertainment, hospitality, and retail industry managements.

This is a part time restaurant job, so if personal comms with coworkers is problematic, I see the move as more to find a job without those exposures. Insiders know that restaurant work is rife with boundary crossing, drama, and fraternization, to be blunt. I think that putting out there that she has a no texting with male coworkers rule, with any explanation, is a move that will only increase issues and drama at work.

I agree her response is not right and not recognizing of what the relationship needs to heal. My comment is meant solely about the practical realities of that type of work.

If someone is scheduled for a shift and they want to take it off they put the shift up via the app and hope that someone picks it up. If no one picks it up then you either go to work or you call in and tell the manager you cannot make it in. People do not need to text each other asking if someone can cover a shift

The text from him telling her she should pick up the Wednesday night shift that so and so put up was in the middle of their texting history. It was not him asking her to cover his shift.

WB, not to pour salt on wounds, but you say in the middle of their texting history.

Did they test a long time? For how long she is disregarding your boundary?

Does she do it only with this male coworker or others too? (Male / females)

The history was not extensive. There was something about tips . I don't remember exactly, something about a customer gave her a tip but she felt it should go to someone else so she gave it to them and then somehow it wound up being given back to her

One night at work she made a comment that there was a large spider in the stock room and the next day he sent her a picture of a large obnoxious spider.

The last was the back and forth was about her picking up someone's Wednesday night shift. When I questioned that she said on Wednesday nights it seems to be the same group of people that get scheduled together and Wednesday nights are the nights when coolers have to be emptied out and cleaned and bottles have to be pumped down to remove the oxygen and the same people seem to get scheduled together.

I said can you see from my side what that sounds like? This guy is asking you to pick up someone's shift so that you can work together. She said it's because the same group of people seem to get scheduled for Wednesdays which are the nights that extra work needs to be done.

Is it all technically innocent chatter? Yes, but as I explained to her, her affair allegedly started with her AP sending her a good morning text which escalated from there

[This message edited by WB1340 at 8:29 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]

It's one thing to text with co workers about scheduling, but a whole 'nother ball of wax to be casually chit-chatting with the opposite sex with her history and a well communicated boundary in place. I get that you need to maintain a professional relationship with co workers, but Morbs made some very good points about the line between professional and friendly, tho the 2 do overlap to an extent.

She should have told you about it. Period. She should be well aware of the boundary and proactively addressing any possible crossing of it. I'd have a calm conversation mentioning many of the points made here, but I get why you're pretty twisted right now. It's totally understandable. How has she been on all other fronts?

Up until July 3rd things were going well and then on July 3rd she made a very callous comment and we had a big blow up about it. She started spiraling and losing control of her emotions so as usual I stopped the conversation and took her into my arms to calm her down. In hindsight that was a mistake. I allowed myself to be manipulated

The next morning we had a conversation about it. I told her I set aside my feelings to help you in that moment and that's not fair to me. I told her my need to protect overwhelmed what I should have done. I should have just walked away and told her to reach out to me when she calms down and we can have an adult conversation

Not sure if this is normal or typical or to be expected but here I am about 27 months out and lately anger and not caring has displaced my other feelings. Maybe I have entered the plain of lethal flatness?

Around the 2 year mark for me, yes, anger had displaced a lot of other feelings. I was not even remotely attracted to WX at that point, though I still cared about him. I was fed up with continued selfish/entitled/defensive behavior. I hit the POLF much earlier, but "lethal flatness" for me meant emotional numbness, resignation, and a generally inability to feel much pleasure or pain. I emerged from that with a hefty dose of annoyance, anger, grief, and contempt - the "Negative Sentiment Override" that the Gottmans talk about.

In your current situation, you were triggered by these text messages and had a flashback to DDay. That's PTSD at work. It's not surprising that you're angry - anger is a natural response to being hurt. She compounded that pain by becoming defensive instead of empathizing and working to heal you.

[This message edited by NoThanksForTheMemories at 8:46 PM, Tuesday, July 14th]