SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Amy44,

First, I just wanted to say that reading your post, I can really hear how much pain you and your husband have been through. I truly feel for both of you. One of the hardest parts of what I’ve done is knowing the pain I caused my husband and that he may never see or love me the same way again.

I may be reading too much into it, but I wondered if your comment about "self-congratulatory" posts was connected to my post. If so, I’d genuinely be happy to talk more about it. I know we see identity differently, and I appreciate respectful conversations with people who have different perspectives. We can continue on my original post, or if you’d rather chat one-on-one, I’d be happy to once I hit 51 and can send private messages.

No one on this board would remain friends with someone you can't trust. We have asked this of our BS when we ask them to believe in the future and stay in the relationship.

1) It's possible to change from betrayer to good partner.

2) An honest request can be refused.

3) We choose what we do moment by moment. Others make of us what they/we will. I think that each of us has within themself a diverse set of partial and full personalities. I don't know what identity is, but I'm pretty sure it isn't just one of those personalities. A Buddhist explained to me that Karma is a result of everything within the person to whom the Karma belongs. That looks right to me.

I was in contact with the husband of the woman my husband had an affair with for months. It was the only way I was able to get a lot of information that my husband persistently lied about, hid and gaslit me about. I never hid the communication from him or lied to him about it. Personally, I do not find it reasonable for someone who had an affair and says they are now being transparent to try to restrict that communication. I find concerns about potential closeness or inappropriateness between those two people to be infantilizing and controlling of the spouse who has been deceived.

I kept in contact with the wife of my wife's AP for a while. At first it was us trying to verify the timeline and the story but after that it was me wanting to be there for her because I understood exactly what she was going through. Unless you've been through infidelity you cannot understand it

We would ask each other how we're doing and what not and offer support and advice but I never once had any thought of pursuing a relationship

My wife knew and early on she tried to shut it down saying they need time to heal their relationship as do we. That made me assume my wife was nervous about me finding out other information that had not been disclosed, so I said no.

I think at one point I told my wife you are equally to blame for her suffering. And if her venting to me makes her feel better than I'll listen

The other BS said she didn't have family to talk to and didn't want all of her friends knowing so I was a safe Outlet. A couple of times she said she had enough and she was filing for divorce but I think it was just false bravado but it made her feel better to say it to someone, I'm guessing?

I haven't heard from her in several months. I am curious as to how she's doing but I believe she's very codependent and her husband knows exactly what to say and how to say it to get what he wants.

If she ever reaches out again I will gladly communicate with her and I will not hide it from my wife. Early on my wife said don't you think it's a bit inappropriate for you to be communicating with her, it was for me (my wife) and him to communicate, and I said the difference is I'm not hiding anything from you and our communications are about support and advice because we understand what the other is going through, and not about having an affair.