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My reco is to distinguish between healing and the disposition of your M. You need to get grounded again, and that means starting to process the grief, anger, fear, shame, etc. out of your body. That will help you think more clearly. Your posts make me think you've done that. A good IC can help.

Understand that your healing has to include integrating your experience into your life story. Your W did these things, and ignoring that is to lie to yourself, which is a terrible idea. Honesty is the best policy, especially with yourself.

IMO, love is a prerequisite for R, but it's far from sufficient in itself.

You're 5 months out, which is still the beginning of healing. Both R and D are possibilities. I understand you want a quick solution; I certainly did - that's where the 'soon' part of my ID came in. But it simply takes a long time to find out of R will work. I wanted an optimal answer to the stay/go decision. I realized I was making a decision that would affect decades of my life, so I thought the decision deserved the time and effort it would take to come to a long term conclusion. You're younger than me, so you have even more reason IMO to take the time you need.

IMO, the M can't be fixed on it's own. You have to heal you. Your W has to heal herself. Together you heal the M, but that works only if you both work on your own healing.

My reco is to focus on yourself. Figure out what you want. Figure out how you'll know if R is or is not working, and share that with your W. If she agrees, you can start R. If she doesn't agree with you on what R will be, and if she doesn't come up with alternatives that work for you, R will be a no-go. If your W falters and doesn't get back on track, R will be a no-go.

If you really do want R, figure out how you'll live a good life after D. That way you choose between 2 ways to win.

In most ways, I was at my lowest point when I was 5 months out. You can assure yourself that you will live a good life again, despite your W's infidelity. This is a blow, but you can survive and thrive.

*****

With CSA in the mix, my reco is to require your W do serious IC. I also recommend requiring her to sign a release allowing her IC to talk with you.

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[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:54 PM, Friday, October 23rd]

WT2, wow.

Do you feel you may be Codependent and if you could shake that and find a loyal women who is CONTENT WITH YOU....that you would be glad you left?

That hits the nail on the head. I’m definitely codependent. I do think a lot about one day finding a faithful woman. I know nothing in life is certain, but I’m certain I didn’t make my wife become a serial cheater and I’m certain I’d never pick this wrong again.

That hits the nail on the head. I’m definitely codependent. I do think a lot about one day finding a faithful woman. I know nothing in life is certain, but I’m certain I didn’t make my wife become a serial cheater and I’m certain I’d never pick this wrong again.

You absolutely didn't make her a serial cheater! Never question that.

I'm sure you'd not pick this wrong again should you find the courage to leave.

Please forgive this rant, but until she manages to get genuine help about being molested, nothing in her life is going to work properly. I cannot stress enough, what rape of a child does to their brain. It may not be penetration. It may not be anything more than a fondle, but it is so life altering to that child that they never again trust anybody completely. They get angry at their parents because they should’ve protected them. They get angry at the sex of the person who did it. If it was a male then all men are suspect. If it was a woman the same issue. Please please understand she needs EMDR immediately. It’s very short term therapy to go digging for those memories and pull them out into the sunshine where they can be worked through and talked about. You are not a wimp for holding on because I think you recognize she is a victim. I suggest all of you watch the movie Spotlight. It is the true story of Catholic priests, molesting children, in their care. What you get is a taste of what an adult deals with when it happens to them. (I also suggest for any of you who have been molested or have someone that you love has had it done to look at videos done by Marilyn van Durber who was a Miss America and was molested from the time she was five until she was 15 by her father. She had a dissociative episode in her 40s where she was completely paralyzed. That’s the damage that’s done to a child). I beg you to make sure she’s in therapy right now. I wouldn’t worry about a marriage counselor. This is beyond anything you can do anything about except support her and push her until she gets to someone who can help her heal.

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[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:16 AM, Friday, October 23rd]

I totally agree with Cooley2here

The molestation can/is a very serious issue and can have dire long-term effects on the victim. Irrespective of R or D, I encourage you to your best to ensure she seeks therapy for the molestation. If you two remain together, then you two would possibly need therapy to ensure she realizes the molester(s) are the exception, and you are not part of that.

This site tends to have two groups of posters. If we could draw a Verne chart where the extreme left was R and the extreme right was D then one group would mainly be to the left, the other circle to the right. The overlap would probably be 90-95% of each circle though… Honestly – over the many years I have been on this site I haven’t seen a single consistent poster share that you should reconcile all the time, from any situation. But we have always had those that think D should be the standard go-to solution, and think even considering reconciliation indicates low morals, lack of self-worth or mental deficiency.

You can reconcile from this situation if certain criteria is met. Mainly two major factors: if you want to and if she wants to. Of course, it also requires that both are open to the work required, and have the stamina to deal with the extremely hard work required for the next years.
But…
YOU DON’T HAVE TO RECONCILE!!!

Marriage is totally based on the willingness and desire of a spouse to be there. No matter how much YOU might want to be married, if she didn’t have the same wish this marriage is over. Same if YOU don’t want this marriage. You don’t even have to evaluate if you can reconcile or not – if you don’t want this marriage and/or of the discovery of the infidelity is a total dealbreaker you are 100% perfectly able to decide to divorce.
People divorce from less… As far as the legal system is concerned you can divorce because you don’t like her cooking. Or because she doesn’t want you to collect guitars. Or she’s disturbing your fishing. Or… you don’t want to worry if she’s really out with Sue and Sally or if she’s at some sleazy motel with Joe.

Keep that in mind – if you divorce it’s because you decide to do so. If you reconcile it’s because you decide to do so. It’s all within your control, and can be for any reason that you agree to.

Can you divorce? Well… Yes. It’s the only option that can be considered 100% within your control. No matter if she resisted, eventually you would be divorced. Papers signed, assets divided and you totally free. On average it seems to take people 2 years to emotionally reach a good place after divorce. IMHO probably a faster path to personal recovery than R tends to be.

Can you reconcile? Well… Yes. If some are to be believed then this site is owned, financed and administrated by a mentally deficient man who reconciled from a wife who had more than one affair. Members of staff over the years I have been here range from single-affair recovery, multiple affair recovery, divorced, still married, wayward, betrayed, men, women, same-sex affairs… It’s a big cocktail of human misery turned into a celebration of recovery. As divorced or reconciled.
IMHO reconciliation is more-or-less a lifetime task, and it’s often said that it takes these magical two years to reach a stage where you can evaluate if it’s going to work or not. But time alone isn’t enough – it’s two years of WORK.

But just because you could it doesn’t mean you have to.
It’s YOUR call.

Regarding the molestation:
If you decide to divorce (and that’s TOTALLY understandable) then your support would be in the form of encouraging her to deal with that issue, maybe postponing the final divorce to keep her on your insurance for therapy, being firm but not vengeful in the process and so on.

Thank you all. I've read every reply more than once, including the ones that were hard to hear. Here's where I am.

We're both still in IC and MC. My wife recently switched ICs because she wasn't getting traction. Her new therapist specializes in betrayal and does EMDR, so that, along with the CSA discussion here, is being addressed. I'm still on the fence about a polygraph. I like the idea of making it a tool I can use when I choose, but I haven't decided. I haven't talked to a lawyer yet. I know I should, even just for information.

I've decided not to reach out to the wives of the older affairs. I know many of you think I should, and I know it's probably the right thing morally. My honest reason is a selfish one. I don't have the capacity to invite more chaos into the hardest thing I've ever faced. I'm not proud of that, but it's the truth, and I'd rather say it than pretend it's something nobler.

Several of you asked what "enough" looks like for me. Honestly, I just don't know. She's doing the work. She's transparent, she's in therapy, and she's taking responsibility. Even so, I can't tell whether I can live with what I know. The sex is disgusting to think about and I know now that she was capable of lying to me for years. Six months ago I would have said I'd 100% divorce over cheating. Now that I’m in this shitstorm, I'm torn, and that scares me. It's confusing to want to rebuild something she destroyed.

I'm taking sisoon's advice to heart. I need to separate my own healing from the decision about the marriage, and I need to figure out what I want and how I'd know whether R is working.

For those further down the road, especially anyone who reconciled from long-term and/or multiple affairs:

1. How did you live with the disgust and the intrusive images? Did they fade, and what helped?
2. How did you tell whether you were staying out of love and choice or out of fear of being alone?
3. If you set a timeline or milestones for yourself, what were they?

And for those who left, how did you know it was time?

Thank you for taking the time; it helps more than you know.

I'm responding to these comments to give balance to Bigger's perspective. Perspectives aren't right or wrong, of course, but given ours differ, I thought it might be useful to you.

think even considering reconciliation indicates low morals, lack of self-worth or mental deficiency.

​I have never personally seen a user suggest these things holistically. While it is undoubtedly true that in specific scenarios, considering reconciliation might suggest elements of this assessment apply, mistaking that for a carte blanche view would be misjudged. But hey, you've been here a hell of a lot longer than me.

​For example, if a user posts: "My partner has abused me, our marriage has been awful, I'm treated like dirt, we've rarely shared a happy moment, and on top of that, I've discovered they're cheating on me—but I'm desperate to stay with them," I feel it would be a fair assessment to suggest that their desire for reconciliation points to some form of underlying psychological issue.

​

Honestly – over the many years I have been on this site I haven’t seen a single consistent poster share that you should reconcile all the time

​Agreed. From my perspective, those users normally just stay quiet when it's overwhelmingly obvious that the marriage or the wayward partner is irredeemable. That is, unless the original poster shows even a slight crack of doubt about whether they are making the right choice—at which point they pile on with "take your time" and "any situation can be overcome" style platitudes. It could be argued that such responses can ultimately be unhelpful in clear-cut cases.

​It appears to some to be almost taboo to encourage high standards over giving in to passing, short-term desires during an intensely emotional period when people are easily swayed toward taking the path of comfort. I think the standard for whether someone should do something should be far greater than simply wanting it at a given moment. It is clearly apparent that just wanting something isn't necessarily good or healthy for you—that is exactly the line of thinking that creates cheaters to begin with. But hey, those are just my thoughts.

​BS7531

I've decided not to reach out to the wives of the older affairs. I know many of you think I should

​During this time of crisis, I don't blame you one bit. I do hope that in time, though, you find the strength to do the right thing. I have saw users who reached out to fellow betrayed partners many years after the fact and that is also something you could consider.

​I will refrain from answering your other questions as I did not reconcile and, cards on the table, I am not pro-reconciliation. This is not due to some weird personal agenda, but merely because it is my deep belief that those who move on end up leading happier and healthier lives than those who stay. As such, I generally—though not always—advise divorce, especially in more extreme cases of infidelity such as what you've experienced with a serial cheater over multiple-year periods. I'm clarifying this because I feel Bigger's response was lumping my comments in and I wanted to explain. Perhaps they weren't, and I'm being overly sensitive.

And for those who left, how did you know it was time?

​As you stated, I had always considered cheating to be a dealbreaker, and staying true to my principles was far more important to me than a temporary desire for comfort. I looked at the life I envisioned for myself, and remaining with someone who would stab me in the back was never part of that picture. I was simply unwilling to compromise on that. Did I have moments of weakness where I wanted to relent? Sure. In a lot of aspects it would have been the easier thing to do. Splitting up a joint life is hard. But I knew in the long run I'd hate myself for not leaving. I knew I could never love someone the same after doing that. I just knew I could build better.

​All of that being said, this site exists to offer a multitude of different perspectives. A great tagline often used around here is: take what you need and leave the rest. If certain experiences and advice don't speak to you or align with your situation, consider them, but feel free to mentally dump them. My own comments included.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 1:46 PM, Saturday, October 24th]

1. How did you live with the disgust and the intrusive images? Did they fade, and what helped? Disgust was cyclical for me, and it didn't last long.

I let the intrusive images run and responded in the present. There were times I stopped sex before any sort of normal completion - I just stopped. I let mind movies play until they got boring.

2. How did you tell whether you were staying out of love and choice or out of fear of being alone?

I accepted that motivations are never purely one thing or another. I changed my focus to what I wanted and looked at how healthy the wants were. I mapped out good lives whether I D'ed or R'ed.

3. If you set a timeline or milestones for yourself, what were they?

Not really, since I knew from experience that I rebel against structure. I gave myself all the time I wanted/needed to heal. What I wanted from my W was continuous improvement - but I got total honesty from d-day on, and that was a giant blessing.