SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wife returned from about 10 days away from the family: She needed the time, she needed to gather her thoughts. Distance. First time away since the kids were born (so a decade in total)

Now she is back. It feels like the stage where we were at just got worse.

No kissing even, she told me she did not miss me (as a couple at least) and that she feels a bit empty and that love for her s deeply linked to trust (which of course it is) and that since I broke that, she doesn't know if she can rebuild it again. (last episode of infidelity from my part: an online cam thing, was about 5 months ago). She says she is willing to give couples therapy a try, mostly because we have kids.

The whole drive back from going to get her (I went with the kids) I could not hold back the tears, Luckily it was nighttime, and I was silently driving. But I am spent. I thought there was a small chance before, she was a bit more close physically before leaving, a bit more communicative. Now I feel this put us in a worse place.

I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.

I don´t know where to go to from here. I really feel done.

BH here. You said in your last thread that you prefer direct communication. I’m all over that. Please read in my words a desire for your good, your wife’s good, your childrens good.

When you say "I really feel done", what do you mean by that? Do you mean that you are discouraged by your wife coming back and being more distant than when she left and that discouragement has you ready to stop trying? Or are you saying that you think her reaction is signaling that she is going to ask for a divorce and you are saying that you are hopeless?

In my humble opinion, you don’t have enough information for the second. And to be perfectly honest, if it’s the first, then I recommend you do everyone a favor and tell your wife that you want a divorce and end the agony.

This is a LOOOONG process. She is going to be hot then cold, raging then immobilized, certain and then baffled. If you have an expectation that she is going to move in a linear fashion towards healing and maybe reconciliation, remove that thought from your mind. It’s a rollercoaster, and it’s much worse for her as the one on it than for you just watching and (hopefully) regretting being the reason she is on it.

If what you have seen so far makes you want to give up, you should man up and pull the plug. You’ve only seen 8% of it. It’s an IronMan triathalon topped with a nice mountain climb at the end. She has to do it to get back to healthy. You only have to do it if you want to stay married to her.

But if what you are saying is that you are reading her signals like she is giving up, the good news for you is that might not be it at all. She might come around on the roller coaster tomorrow and seem completely different. You need to talk with her. Unless she has told you in a clear and logical voice that she wants a divorce, she is still trying to figure things out. And if you really want to R with her, then you should bare with that.

I read your description of the state of your marriage.
I’m not in any way justifying your repeated decisions to have an affair. That is NEVER a correct response to issues in a marriage. However I think the base question the two of you need to address is if you both want this marriage, and if you both want to be married to each other.
I’m hoping that the answer to the first question will be no. That neither of you want THIS marriage. If the answer to the second question is yes, then the two of you really need to get a joint view of what you both want out of a marriage – how it should be.

Take all aspects out of the equation other than YOU TWO.
The kids? They are best off in an environment of mutual love and respect. As-is you two aren’t providing that. Unchanged you are better capable of offering your kids a healthy environment as amicable co-parents, with them spending time at each others home.
Finances? Divorce has a way of processing finances, creating an opportunity for either party.
Kids and/or finances are a terrible reason to remain married. Strip them away, and reach your decision solely on the emotions you have to each other.

I’m not expecting her to tell you she wants the marriage and that makes everything hunky-dory. You two still need to deal with the infidelity and you need to deal with how you constantly seek solace in the wrong places. You two would have a lot of work to do. But it would definitely beat what you two seem to be offering each other now.

You have said your wife is willing to go to couples therapy. THAT WOULD BE A MISTAKE. Most posters here would agree. That can do much more harm than good. You both need individual counselling before you work on marriage counselling.

Given the type of betrayal and behaviour involved I would suggest considering seeking out a CSAT. Certified sex addiction therapist. I am not saying you are or are not a sex addict, i don't know you, but this type of therapist is more likely to be able to help you than soneone not specifically trained in sexual betrayal.

IMO, early MC can hurt a BS, but I think it might be in the interest of a remorseful WS.

I agree with Bigger, and I think a good MC can help you and your W decide if you both want the M or if one or both want out.

I agree that a loving, 2 parent family is best for kids - and when that's not possible, a D is more likely to help the kids grow than a non-loving 2 parent family will.

As InkHulk has said, you should expect this journey to be like a roller coaster. That's what it's been like for me, and for many other reconciling couples. There is the hysterical bonding phases and the angry phases and the withdrawn phases and the sort of mundane phases where everything seems normal (and even that can be scary!)

I think what you should probably do now is:
1.) Be grateful that she is considering reconciliation with you. Express that gratitude at every opportunity. You basically cannot express gratitude or apologize enough.

2.) Tell her you will go to MC IF that's what she wants and thinks is best. It can be helpful if you need to address communication issues between you two. But do keep in mind the advice that is given here, that sometimes it can be harmful to the BS, ESPECIALLY if you get a therapist who is not specifically trained in matters of infidelity. If you get one who shifts any of the blame for your actions onto your BW, make sure to defend her immediately, and switch providers.

3.) I think in a previous post you said you are pursuing IC, so make sure you stick with that, regardless of whether you do MC or not. Continue to work through your whys and improve upon yourself. Encourage your wife to seek professional support as well, especially if she feels she can't talk to any of her friends or family about this. Nobody should be alone with the whirlwind of feelings that infidelity brings.

4.) Be patient. Tell your BW that you know that you hurt her, but you are 100% committed to supporting her through the trauma you've caused. Let her know she can tell you anything and everything, and that you're willing to hear her and listen and do your best to help, whether she wants space or affection or isn't sure what will help. Sit with her in the worst of her feelings.

5.) Remember that everything is going to be okay eventually, regardless of the outcome. It's going to suck for a long while, but you'll either become a better person at the end of it, or have a stronger marriage than before, or possibly both.

I think you are having a case of expectations vs reality here.

She needed that time to gather her thoughts and clear her head. OR just let everything go and think about anything but. She gave her emotions a break. And that hopefully helped her.

If your hope was she would return and all would be forgiven and you'd both be full speed ahead moving towards the rest of your life sailing off into a sunset - that would have been vastly incorrect. Please don't make the mistake of thinking her healing will be linear and follow a flow chart.

You are on a roller coaster from Hell. Her emotions will be all over the board for a long time - Up, Down, Sideways, Loop the Loop and sometimes all at the same time. And then - after a long time - the shock and awe of it will subside and she'll be left with The Plane of Lethal Flatness (please read up on this in the healing library).

Oversimplified - this will be a bumpy ride. If you are unable to bear that - please be honest with her about it. BUT please don't blame her for it - let her know outright if this is too much for you.

Wishing you the best.

Edited to gentle my response - for some reason I thought I was in GENERAL and not WAYWARD.

[This message edited by Chaos at 1:13 PM, Monday, November 10th]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful responses.

Sorry if I came off a bit descouraged after such a short period. I did not mean to communicate that I have not what it takes to go through this. It is the first time I am going to a process like this in this manner (regardless of my previous offences) I guess I was just trying to get some information on both sides, trying to understand a bit better this process and the road ahead.

I am in for it, whatever it takes. Short, medium and long term processes. I was just a bit "scared" and looking for some wisdom from people who may have gone through similar processes. Previous times I had it "easy" one could said, and completely and totally squandered my opportunity, betrayaing my wife´s trust and not putting in the actual work needed on me, to have any real growth at a personal / psychological level. I assume fully the responsibility for this shortcoming. Life sometimes push us forward and we advance as best we can.

this time around I am doing work on myself (Counseling) and treating several of the subjects you are bringing up already. Seeking MC, trying to figure a roadmap that best suits our needs as a couple.

I am extremely thankful for the posibilty my wife is even considering at the moment. And I make no reservations about it, I let her now every time we go towards that topic.

We just scheduled a meeting with a therapist that came recommended from my Counselor (I will stick to therapy for myself) and he knows our story. Still, we have to have an introductory session still, see if she is a fit for us, etc.

Anxiety is one of my issues, and sharing my experience and reading other people's thougth on it, helps both with managing these as well as sheds light on potential difficulties ahead as well as highlight potential issues with my approach. Both of which are valuable nuggets of knowledge.

I am also receiving ideas and input that are possitive valuable pieces of information movieng forward.

So again, thank you for your time in sharing your experience and thoughts.