SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My dad was a serial cheater I grow up in a household where I wished my mom would of left my dad. She didn’t until I was mid twenties.

This says volumes.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:49 PM, Wednesday, March 11th]

I just feel so stuck, I have glimpses of happiness and think okay we could try to make this work and last year I would of put my all in to it.

Missmee, I know this is hard but you need to realise this is no longer just about his infidelity. He is an abusive man and you are in an abusive relationship. You should never try to reconcile with someone who abuses you.

[This message edited by Jambomo at 7:26 PM, Saturday, March 21st]

My thinking is more clearer. I can’t believe what he did I can’t believe what he put me through and I can’t believe I allowed it. He has agreed to move out he’s going to stay with family.

Edited - He seems to think I’m going to forgive him and get over this. But I know I won’t

[This message edited by Missmee at 1:38 AM, Tuesday, March 24th]

HI MISSME.

Sorry to hear things are at this stage, but you may find clarity with him out of the house. Hang in there.

I’m plodding on, it’s coming up to a year where I didn’t yet know what was happening just that the relationship was falling apart but couldn’t figure out why. I thought he was struggling with his mental health as he was going through bereavement.

So a year ago this weekend one of the nights we had an argument I asked him to leave I thought he had stayed at his nephews but he went to stay with her, for the first time. I’ve recently found this out. But makes sense now why last Mother’s Day he went over the top with a gift! I think this year is going to be hard with all the dates. I’m trying not to look back and think omg he was doing this on this date etc…

Didn’t realise the extent and destruction betrayal causes from mentally to physically it’s horrendous.

Posting his logic here,

He was very unhappy with our relationship for years. Because I’m controlling, I nag, the house is untidy, I don’t appreciate him, my mood and other reasons. And he never addressed it with me because I would have told him to f*** off. So instead he decided he was going to start living. So after an argument at Christmas he started sleeping with a girl out the office 2 weeks later. That progressed into wanting to be in a relationship with her and left 9 months later. Only to come back home because I wanted him to come back. And he’s now happy to stay with me if I don’t bring up the affair.

Please someone tell me if I’m wrong. He’s trying to justify his affair, rug sweep and blame shift for his actions isn’t he?

Missmee, I'm going thought the same thing you are with the time of the year. It was this week last year that my wife got a hotel room with her AP for the first time. It lasted for 2 weeks and there were 2 more trysts. It depends on whether I count the date or the day. It was a Wednesday, but it was April 2nd on the calendar. In either case it's the next day or 2 and it's hitting me kind of hard.

Infidelity sucks.

Yes, he's doing all 3 of those things. Don't buy it, don't fall for it. You didn't do anything or not do anything that forced him into someone else's bed. If he won't own that then you have nothing to work with.

He’s trying to justify his affair, rug sweep and blame shift for his actions isn’t he?

Yup.

Trust me he may have been bothered by a few things (house, Kids, etc) but I guarantee you they were insignificant UNTIL he met the OW and decided to cheat. Then all of it became the excuse to cheat.

Typical cheater mindset.

I heard the same crap. I was "controlling" b/c I want to know even you are coming home and I’m a "nag" if I hold you accountable to something you agreed to.

Funny how when they are begging to R they have a different story.

Looks like this may be the end/start

Arguing has continued. He asked me why I keep asking him to leave and I’ve told him because you haven’t shown me you want me. He was going around in circles and said why don’t you tell me you want me to stay and you love me.

I’ve been waiting for him to tell me he loves me and he wants me but all he says is he’s sorry.

He went upstairs came back down and sat down, started to ramble and I said look me in my face and tell me the truth. He’s proceeded to tell me he doesn’t want a relationship with me. And basically going back to OW.

I’ve packed a bag up for him to go. This going back and forth and this feeling is exactly how his actions last year made me feel. Only this time as much as I want to say I love him and I want him to say I’m not else nothing changes. I’m absolutely devastated but I know this will be for the best. It’s going be a long road ahead but I’m not going to look back, head held high, one foot in front in another.

Have you done anything about clarifying your legal situation regarding the home and kicking him out?

I’m sorry for you & kids.

But looking back, you at least have the ability to say you did everything possible to save the marriage. You will never (or should not) have a regret that you gave up too quickly.

You hung in there long after many people here would. You continued to try and you gave him every opportunity to reconcile.

At least he was honest with you. And if he tries to come crawling back after him and the OW break up, please DO NOT allow it.

Your calm and peace are more valuable to you than the way you have been living the past year.

One foot in front of the other.

Yes, tenancy is in my name only! He has no say in coming back here. I’ve been giving him the benefit and watching to see if his actions matched his words and they haven’t

He left today! He kept stalling yesterday, not sure why. Before he left he said ‘your not bothered are you? Why aren’t you asking me to stay?’ This was after telling me he loved OW. And me finding more gifts he had hidden that she had gifted him!

Anyway I’m free, took sometime but our new life starts from now!

I think this last encounter remains with you. It shows you exactly what a jerk he really is. The audacity that he can tell you he loves the OW and then expects you to allow him to remain living in your home — I’m not sure how you didn’t just punch him or slap him.

I’m saddened that you had to endure found 2 or 3 with him but I think you now see he’s not going to change and you need to be free from a person who thinks it is ok to treat people so poorly.

Cherish the calm you now have in your home.

Before he left he said ‘your not bothered are you? Why aren’t you asking me to stay?’ This was after telling me he loved OW. And me finding more gifts he had hidden that she had gifted him!

Good lord, my eyes rolled so far back in my head I could see my brain.

I hope you start feeling a sense of relief and freedom soon, if not already now. One thing is for certain, you truly did everything you could to salvage your marriage. So for sure, don't feel like you could have or should have done more. You put up with and did a lot more than most would have. I think you owe yourself a pat on the back for handling yourself as well as you are right now.

I don't know if you'll feel what I'm about to type, just know it comes from a good place, but congratulations for getting rid of such a toxic person in your life. Whatever you do, do not let him sweet talk you into letting him move back in again.

[This message edited by Pogre at 8:26 PM, Sunday, April 5th]

And I’m still in the same position as last update. He stayed the night at hers and came back saying it was a huge mistake. Gave me the big speech that I fell for.

Now things have surprisingly been good between us, but I do have off days. We have done more together and he seems more understanding. I don’t think there’s anything left between him and ow but I think this could be she had enough of the circus.

Now he had to have a new phone so it backed up from the last one and this is where it all comes back. Photos sent of letters that would have been from child support that I arranged back when he left were still going to her house in December. He lied about contact again and reckons she told him to sort this out and stop it going to her house. I’m certain he continued contact with her till march but don’t have solid proof, only he wouldn’t let me have access to his phone. He swore contact stopped in November when I found her number on the phone bill. I suspected he kept in contact through what’s app and these photos were sent through what’s app in early December.

I feel sick and stuck. I feel really sad for the kids. It’s there in front of me he can’t be trusted but I can’t seem to let go. I know in the long run I will be better off without him but can’t seem to let go. Someone please tell me what I need to do? I’m worried he will change and I’m not giving it chance but then feel on the other hand I have given way more chances then he’s ever deserved.

I’m worried he will change and I’m not giving it chance but then feel on the other hand I have given way more chances then he’s ever deserved.

You are living on hope.

His actions have shown you he’s continued to lie snd cheat.

Yet you want to believe his words when his actions show you otherwise.

Unfortunately many many people here at SI have done the same thing. We want to believe the affair is over. We want to believe Reconciliation is possible. We want to believe the Cheater has "changed".

I don’t know where you stand but my suggestion is that you have a back up plan. An exit strategy. Just in case. In case you decide one day you are tired of living under a cloud of suspicion and distrust b/c the cheater is still being shady.

Luckily for me I was smart enough to have one during my H’s last affair. At dday2 of affair 2 it was time to execute the exit strategy.

Having kids means you need to be prepared for potential situations so they are affected as little as possible.

Thank you for that. This was the talk I needed, I’m going to put somethings in place. I felt like I’ve been moving forward and just spiralled rapidly the last week since I found those photos. He said I need to stop digging it all back up and stop looking. But it’s not that simple, I think I’m searching for safety from someone who just can’t give it to me